Am I being cold hearted?

So most of your poor child’s living memory has consisted of no Christmas? The poor thing

I never understand this (and I have been poleaxed by enough grief in my time.) Life is too bloody short and the death of someone beloved should make us more determined to celebrate our lives. I'm not saying this happens immediately, but after 5 years that's wallowing and abnormal. I might also say selfish and insensitive to your child too. No matter how devastated I've been by the death of my family and friends - I've always held the happiness of my son higher than my sadness wherever possible.

But his family aren't celebrating Christmas are they! I wouldn't allow him to guilt trip you any further.

How much longer can they drag this out?

i Christmas isn't celebrated, why would you visit?

You are not cold hearted. Old people die. Life carries on. Does anyone think DGP would want Christmas cancelled, and for DGGC to have a miserable time?

Given that your DH’s family have seemingly given up celebrating Christmas, why would they actually want/need him to visit on Christmas Day? It sounds as they’d probably rather be left alone, to be honest!

FWIW my FIL died a few years ago on 18 December and DP’s family still celebrate Christmas every year. Including the year he actually died.

Think about your poor child. No normal Xmas for half his lifetime so far. Has he missed out on the Xmas Eve fun too?
Grandparents die, it's sad but it's part of life; but yours & dc life has to carry on. We lost dfil on our ds birthday. We remember him on the day but ds birthday comes first.

I don’t understand his logic - if they’re not celebrating Xmas why does it matter if they see you on the day?

Stay at home. It's extremely selfish of them to expect you to deprive your child of Christmas.

Edit: That is if they do expect you to visit.

They can't have it both ways. If it's just a normal day that they don't celebrate then you don't need to visit them do you?

They can't and shouldn't be trying to basically control Xmas day and make sure it's not celebrated or enjoyed by anyone.

They're welcome to opt out but they are the ones outside of the norm.

I can't imagine your dear granddad would have wanted Christmas and holiday festivities cancelled permanently just because he happened to pass away in late December.

Absolutely. I am sure the GF would have wanted his family to enjoy life and make the most of every moment, and not just wallow. It's all very morbid. Life is for living!

If you want to visit his family on Christmas Day (although you shouldn't have to and your DH is bonkers for suggesting it if they don't even celebrate), go first. "Oh no, sorry we're late, and sorry we have to be at my family's by X o clock so we can only stay an hour! Ah well. Bye!". Then over to your family so your DC gets a lovely Christmas day.

Your DH is being unreasonable. If they don’t celebrate it, why does it matter if you see them that day or not? I’d be thinking of my child in all this.

Yes, this entirely.

Absolutely nobody is remotely suggesting that you should just forget him; but surely you remember all the good times in his life that you shared together with fondness and happiness, rather than wallow in permanent misery about the fact that his wonderful, happy, full, hopefully-long time alive has now drawn to a close, as it was always going to at some point.

Im from a small family (no cousins) My beloved grandad died suddenly and unexpectedly on the 21st Dec... we celebrated that Christmas. He'd have been heartbroken if he thought his children and grandchildren werent able to celebrate in his memory.

YABNU

My lovely mum died at Christmas 12yrs ago, 3 weeks after the birth of my first grandchild, her great grandchild, we were all so very sad but put on a brave face and celebrated because my mum loved Christmas and would want us all to be together and have fun, it was difficult to begin with and Christmas is an emotional time for my family but being together and keeping family traditions makes it all the more important, time to show your little boy some Christmas joy ❤️

If it's just your PIL and a couple of elderly aunts then maybe they just don't want the hassle of "doing Christmas", which I kind of understand. If they really have cancelled it because an elderly grandfather died 5 years ago, then that's excessive and not healthy. At least they buy your kids presents though, and it is your DH's parents so they deserve to see the grandkids at Christmas.

This

DH has a fair point about visiting both families, but if they don't want to mark Christmas what's the loss if you're not there on the actual day?

Unless they're heavily into performative grief of course, in which case I'd still go but maybe on the 26th/27th/whatever

My DH died in the September and I still "did" Xmas 3 months later because I had small DC. You do you lovely. - let them do them

I may be harsh but I would have lost it by now and would have said something. I couldn't cope with that!

My DH says it's not fair to visit my family on Christmas day and not his.

His parents don't celebrate Xmas.

Would you go visit Buddhist or Muslim family members on Xmas day?

No, because the holiday means nothing to them. Just like it means nothing to your inlaws other than Grandpa's dead.

I don’t get your dh’s argument of it would be unfair to not visit them on Christmas when you visit yours.

One family celebrates Christmas and one doesn’t. The family who celebrates Christmas gets priority on Christmas. Same as any other holiday the ones who actually celebrate get priority over those who treat it as just another day.

Id stop going. He can go if he wants.

Have they always been a bit odd? This prolonged period of grief for an elderly man sounds like something from the Victorian age. Queen Victoria mourned her husband and wore black for forty years after his death.

What were your in-laws like before the death of the grandfather?

Its not about fair. Its about creating a beautiful peaceful celebration for you and your DC, if he wants to go visit his family given their bleak outlook then let him, but I'd be putting a line in the sand, I'd also wager your DC doesn't enjoy the visit on Christmas day given the choice, and you for sure dont want to visit them. Offer the alternative of going to visit another day over the holiday.

But if all they do is sit and wallow, id question why the visit at all. They dont seem to enjoy it, your DC dont. Let him go on his own