Please help me figure out how exH is spying on me?

me arranging a time to go on a date, not telling mutual friend yet because I haven’t seen them, exH finds an ‘excuse’ to see me at pretty much that exact date and time.

Why don’t you say ‘no’?

Why are you engaging with this man to this extent? When you say he becomes more controlling, what do you mean? How can an ex control you? Why is your response to ‘are you dating someone?’ not ‘that’s none of your business’?

100% I’d take the phones/devices to a professional and get someone to check the house. Better safe than sorry.

I think I'd test things out
Eg give wrong information to the mutual friend to see if it's passed on

Same with phone/speaking at home,

In my case I realised a long time after I left that we were both in an "Apple family"

He never used to have an iPhone but yjrrr might have been an old shared ipad, then at some point he got an iPhone and I discovered by accident that we were in a family group and he could see my location.

Why dont you try giving some piece of false information to the mutual friend and see if it comes back via your Ex. Also, definitely change the locks!

You can always install Signal or Telegram and use them to message people - it's no hassle is it really for friends to add the app and message you on those platforms. I use both alongside WhatsApp and Messenger - frankly I prefer both Signal and Telegram to both of the usual messaging apps.

The most obvious thing to do is to change your passwords or passkeys on WhatsApp and any other messaging platform you use.

To check he hasn't linked another device(e.g. phone or laptop) to your WhatsApp account - on iPhone or Android:

Open WhatsApp
Tap on the 3 dots top right

Tap Linked Devices

You'll see a list of all browsers, computers, or other devices currently logged in.

If you see anything she doesn’t recognise:

Tap the suspicious device
Select Log Out

This immediately cuts off access.

Do you have 2 factor authentication set up? This is the best protection you can add.

Tap 3 dots top right and go to Settings → Account → Two‑step verification
Turn it on and set a 6‑digit PIN

TBH it's a process you are going to have to go through - changing passwords on all your email accounts and other apps - hopefully you are not daft enough to keep reusing the same passwords for everything.

HTH

Absolutely OP stop telling anybody and then you will know!.

OP I’m in Tech but definitely start with actually changing the locks. Please check all plugs, these devices need a power source if you are thinking he has installed surveillance. But yes I would get all tech checked, all passwords reset including your wireless router.

I don’t know mate, all this talk of technology and cameras, I still think the most likely culprit would be this mutual friend.

Tell them something outlandish.

I did a wagatha with mine before wagatha was a thing.

I suspected she was running to my ex husband with everything, so I told her that I was going to put all of exs maintenance money for the next couple of months into going to Thailand on holiday (total lie!)

Two days later, I got an angry email from ex h saying maintenance money wasn’t for me to fuck off on holiday with. I told him I’d made it up to catch out mutual friend out and was then accused of being the devil, but hey, at least I knew. I never heard from her again.

I had a mutual that friend I trusted implicitly. Turned out I couldn’t trust them implicitly. Before driving yourself crazy looking at technology he could be using, stop sharing anything personal with the mutual friend and if he stops finding out stuff then you have your answer.

Could he know the password to your icloud? I'd start by logging out of everything and resetting your password. I'd also do a factory reset and wipe your phone - in case of spyware and I'd sadly be looking for hidden cameras if he has a key, if that doesn't work then time to contact a professional.

Family members ex did not return keys. Had access and she didn’t know.
He had installed spy cameras in several rooms through the air con ducts.
She only found out when she noticed plaster dust on the floor.

Yes this is what he was using it for. He was tracking where she was rather tgat what she was saying.

A car tracker is different. They have their own 3g sim, and are connected to the cars power supply. They also only show location, not audio or video.

A home device could use its own sim but would need to be plugged in somewhere or accessible for frequent battery changes.

Tell your mutual friend a made up story about a new man and see if that gets back to your ex

Do a Wagatha! Plant false stories with mutual friends; a different one with each. Then see which resurface from him later.

Sounds awful. Hope you get to the bottom of it, but I suspect it’s your mutual friend(s).

If you find out. Do share.
My ex knew every message I ever sent towards the end of my relationship and after it ended.
He would show up in places I was and send me random messages asking about things he'd know from my WhatsApp. I was never signed in on any other devices and he wasn't particularly tech savvy so I never figured it out.
In the end I changed my phone and number and it stopped 🙃

So is it just this 1 man that he knows details about?

Chances are he knows this man in some sense.

I would not be comfortable with my ex having a key - your reasoning doesn’t make sense. Neither of you should be dropping your sons stuff off in their home when the other isn’t there and this is going to cause massive issues in the future.

I would tell the mutual friend some made up things and see if ex mentions them - this may rule out the mutual friend.

Then it leaves either him knowing the guy/knowing someone who knows him or he’s spying/bugged you somehow.

exH seems to know things that mutual friend doesn’t

Or maybe the mutual friend does know these things, but pretends not to?

@TheGreatDownandOut change the locks and then tell him you are giving him once chance to be honest and tell you if he has put listening devices, cameras or tracking software on any of your property as you are getting a pro in to check and will be going to Police if they find anything.

You'll save some money if he admits it and can then remove what he put in but i'd still go to Police anyway because you owe him nothing and if he has done this, it is illegal.

Log onto your router and change the admin password, and the WiFi password. It'll be a pain to reconnect everything but if he's connected something to it then it should be disconnected.

Not easy but exBIL definitely had a tracking device in DSIL whilst they were married. It really was the only explanation. He was very, very unhappy when he got said car as part of the Divorce settlement and she bought herself a new one.

I would take the key back and change the locks. He may have made a copy.

Hmm, bugs and cameras aren't as sophisticated or as easy as a lot of posters make out. Unless he literally lives next door or is parked in your drive the only realistic option for monitoring would be WiFi connected devices.

Reset your router and change the WiFi password. You will have to log all your connected devices in with the new password. This will stop any unauthorised devices transmitting.

Don't write down the new password anywhere. Change your locks immediately.

Occam's razor though.. It's your mutual friend for sure!