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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so suspicious all the time?

57 replies

CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 05:09

I have a big problem with jealousy and always check his following as my ex husband used to talk to other women.

Every time i fight with bf about it he gives me horrible silent treatment.

He followed a girl and he usually never follows women on insta or anywhere so I asked him who is she ,he said he knows her from work and I kind of believe it until he says you have asked me for her months ago on tiktok so i view her account there and I remembered when he followed her 6 months ago we had a fight and back then he said he didnt know her and removed her.

This woman is an architect and i am too so i tell him maybe i should follow her since we share this profession and he said ok.

I follow her and I dont feel proud about it at all but I have had a gut feeling for days with him hiding phone and also being quite distracted on his phone while on video call with me.

So i panicked and follow request her

2 mins later this woman had sent a screenshot to him asking who i was since he follows me and he replied, why has she spoken to you? but didnt disclose his reponse to her on who i was.
From screenshot you coulf tell this was not first time talking.

He send me message showing me their convo and saying look what you go and do and threatened to block me and never speak again to me as I am too jealous ,which I am and maybe my action put him in a position.

I texted saying its quite clear that he is speaking to her otherwise why would she screenshot me for a follow request and I ended the relationship.

He didnt reply but earlier on the phone he said i will show you now and hung up meaning he will give me silent treatment as he knows that freaks me out .
He uses silent treatment for even minor argument too and i am thinking i deserve it as i question him a lot.
At the same time if feels always like i cant get proper reasurance from him as on every argument he lashes out calling me too much and threatening to hang up the phone which also happens if i cry about smth.
I feel i over do it with my jealousy but my gut feeling is also screeming.
I am quite articulate with him and i dont shout or swear but usually analyse and discuss and i feel i dont deserve this as I always end up apologising and beg him to end silent treatment but the issue I had never gets resolved because of it and I feel resentment and walking on eggshells and so on.
Do i deserve this ?

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 12:40

SillyNavyTiger · 24/12/2025 12:32

my ex husband used to talk to other women.
huh?!?

Generally, the jealous people are the ones who end up cheating. I don't know why, but it's proven true.

Anyway, that can't be a way to live.

Meaning I am quite sensitive to my bf following women he doesnt knw ,i am perfectly fine if the woman is a friend ,colleague and so on ,its only when she is random.I dont ever follow anyone cause I dont care about anyone I wouldnt like him getting upset so naturally i want that reciprocated and he is fully aware.He is not one of those guys that follows hundreds and its his thing ,he is actually quite selective so yes it matters to me.

OP posts:
SillyNavyTiger · 24/12/2025 12:32

my ex husband used to talk to other women.
huh?!?

Generally, the jealous people are the ones who end up cheating. I don't know why, but it's proven true.

Anyway, that can't be a way to live.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 12:20

Didimum · 24/12/2025 12:08

There are one of two things going on here:

  1. because of your past, you are over-controlling and jealous. You see threat where there is none and your brain is wired to paint situations into betrayal, even if it’s on the reality. His silent treatment is not abuse but instead deep fatigue from always being on the receiving end of your control and nothing he can say makes a difference.

  2. You’re in a relationship with another shit man and his behaviour triggers all of your past anxieties.

Either way, the relationship is over. Time on your own may have you seeing more clearly which of the above is happening.

When he gets jealous I reassure him ,when I do he gets defensive most times and the silent treatment doesnt happen just out of my jealousy but in the beginning from other minor things too.he doesnt protect my feelings one example is his ex followed him from a fake account and posted on that account photos of them together wishing happy one year anniversary and i saw that ,when i showed upset he said leave me alone i cant deal with this ,why do you care what she posts and saw the post and didnt immediately block her to protect my feelings.I knw i dont need to care but i saw them on photos together and that caption and anyone would get upset but on the other hand i stayed cause he has been very consistent 8 months in calling everynight and showing signs he cares.

OP posts:
Didimum · 24/12/2025 12:08

There are one of two things going on here:

  1. because of your past, you are over-controlling and jealous. You see threat where there is none and your brain is wired to paint situations into betrayal, even if it’s on the reality. His silent treatment is not abuse but instead deep fatigue from always being on the receiving end of your control and nothing he can say makes a difference.

  2. You’re in a relationship with another shit man and his behaviour triggers all of your past anxieties.

Either way, the relationship is over. Time on your own may have you seeing more clearly which of the above is happening.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/12/2025 12:06

What culture allows you to divorce, have a boyfriend/girlfriend but not friends of the opposite sex, or even work clients of the opposite sex? Anyway just stay away from him. The relationship is toxic. Walk away, don't look back and get some therapy

KiwiFall · 24/12/2025 12:01

I think it’s a bit of you are being over jealous and anxious but also he’s actions and reactions are not helping quell those fears. I don’t think you are suited to one another as it doesn’t seem healthy how you are both treating each other. That said I would feel uneasy of him having lied to you saying he didn’t know her and then he does and clearly messaging her on instagram and it sounds like he was worried you had messaged her. His actions do seem a bit suspicious so I think in the long run you are wise to end it. You deserve someone better.

noidea69 · 24/12/2025 11:59

Stopped reading as you you sounded like a 14 year old.

StabbyCat · 24/12/2025 11:54

Sorry but you sound nuts.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 11:52

DecimatedStock · 24/12/2025 08:54

‘The other day he got upset why my work phone whatsapp had a profile picture and why do I speak on the phone with male clients.’

Poor guy Seriously?? Raise your standards.

Show quote history

He told me that should change and asked how i would feel if he had female clients his number to which I wouldnt be jealous ,that would make me crazy.
Got upset why i wanted to post a nice selfie online and asked who do i need to post it for but i tolerated so far cause I too am crazy jealous when he follows a woman,keeps phone hidden and is inconsiatent with his story,getting very quickly defensive etc

OP posts:
DecimatedStock · 24/12/2025 08:54

themerchentofvenus · 24/12/2025 08:11

@CleverOpalPanda you clearly don't trust him so end the relationship.

You need to spend some time working on yourself and learning to trust people before you get into a relationship again.

If you contantly wanted to know who every person I spoke to and messaged then I'd give you the silent treatment! Your jealousy would drive me up the wall. My ex did the same and it was so tedious.

No trust = no relationship.

Let this poor guy go so he can find someone that does trust him.

‘The other day he got upset why my work phone whatsapp had a profile picture and why do I speak on the phone with male clients.’

Poor guy Seriously?? Raise your standards.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 08:31

themerchentofvenus · 24/12/2025 08:11

@CleverOpalPanda you clearly don't trust him so end the relationship.

You need to spend some time working on yourself and learning to trust people before you get into a relationship again.

If you contantly wanted to know who every person I spoke to and messaged then I'd give you the silent treatment! Your jealousy would drive me up the wall. My ex did the same and it was so tedious.

No trust = no relationship.

Let this poor guy go so he can find someone that does trust him.

its a combination of things lately not just a follow ,he literally lied to me about her ,i dont just randomly make up things ,apart from the follow he is being emotionlly unclear lately and you cant expect to lie and I to feel secure in this relationship.
I agree its exhausting but this man gives silent treatment for hideous things like saying goodnight too early.
But you are right I do have a problem.

OP posts:
themerchentofvenus · 24/12/2025 08:11

@CleverOpalPanda you clearly don't trust him so end the relationship.

You need to spend some time working on yourself and learning to trust people before you get into a relationship again.

If you contantly wanted to know who every person I spoke to and messaged then I'd give you the silent treatment! Your jealousy would drive me up the wall. My ex did the same and it was so tedious.

No trust = no relationship.

Let this poor guy go so he can find someone that does trust him.

juice92 · 24/12/2025 07:47

You need to leave him.

I do think you are being over the top if you're questioning who he follows on Instagram - I wouldn't have a clue who my Husband follows.

But he knows you're jealous and is using your behaviour as an excuse to be abusive and controlling in other ways, such as the silent treatment.

This relationship is unhealthy.

Aplstrudl · 24/12/2025 07:39

Well done for ending it but block him and her out of your life. Block him right now… go on… you can do it and let me tell you this… HE DESERVES TO BE BLOCKED!

DecimatedStock · 24/12/2025 07:21

CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 07:17

I already ended it and my anxious brain is telling me that i was wrong and i deserve this for following that woman on his insta.silent treatment puts me in panic mode to chase and for first time i am not and its just so hard emotionally.I am trying to get the strength to block him.

Show quote history

Well done. Post here. Distract yourself. Do anything to free yourself of this creature. It will not end well. I work in mental health and men like this can end up killing women. I’m not exaggerating.

You do not deserve any of this. No woman does.

he is putting on silent treatment because he knows it upsets you. No decent human being does this to anyone.

And please ignore any love bombing that may happen.

Well done for what you’ve done. Stay strong and stay posting.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 07:17

DecimatedStock · 24/12/2025 07:10

Presumably having boyfriends and girlfriends aren’t looked on too well in the culture either but you are managing to circumnavigate that? So opp sex friends should be ok.

Your ex-husband followed lots of other women as well. You need therapy to work out why you are going for these kind of man. And this kind of controlling behaviour from your current partner is a huge red flag and you could be in danger in the future.

You’re not stupid, so you need to end this relationship now and work out why you are with these dreadful men. Stay single. Anything is better than this.

Show quote history

I already ended it and my anxious brain is telling me that i was wrong and i deserve this for following that woman on his insta.silent treatment puts me in panic mode to chase and for first time i am not and its just so hard emotionally.I am trying to get the strength to block him.

OP posts:
DecimatedStock · 24/12/2025 07:10

CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 06:56

We both come from a culture where having male or female friends is not acceptable ,i am not saying is right but thats how we are raised.
He is equally jealous even for me to work with men or post selfies online.
The other day he got upset why my work phone whatsapp had a profile picture and why do I speak on the phone with male clients.

Show quote history

Presumably having boyfriends and girlfriends aren’t looked on too well in the culture either but you are managing to circumnavigate that? So opp sex friends should be ok.

Your ex-husband followed lots of other women as well. You need therapy to work out why you are going for these kind of man. And this kind of controlling behaviour from your current partner is a huge red flag and you could be in danger in the future.

You’re not stupid, so you need to end this relationship now and work out why you are with these dreadful men. Stay single. Anything is better than this.

Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 07:06

PersephoneParlormaid · 24/12/2025 06:54

End it, that’s no way to live.

He once didnt speak to me for 3 days because I removed a photo of me with him in the background from my socials and accused me of being with sb else just based on that or didnt speak for a day because i said goodnight without a kiss emoji

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 07:01

ClearFruit · 24/12/2025 06:56

Are you 14?

No and neither is he but I dont want to be taken for stupid ,he knows how following other woman makes me feel so he doesnt care ,I dont feel good for following her but it was just that ,I didnt talk to her but she immeditely texted him so ..

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 06:59

AprilinPortugal · 24/12/2025 06:52

Make sure you do end the relationship, ignore the silent treatment and post lots of stuff for him to see on social media showing how much you're enjoying your new life without him! That's the best revenge! Of course that's assuming you don't live together or have kids. If you do..still end this relationship for good and make plans to leave. Oh and because I'm petty I'd have messaged this woman and asked who she was!

I want to message her so i rub it in his face but I am somehow scared what if I am assuming wrong about her ,I already feel cornered just for requesting to follow her and I am feeled with anxiety

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverOpalPanda · 24/12/2025 06:56

Herbisaurous · 24/12/2025 06:49

I cant work out if you're trying to justify or normalise this but can you see how batshit this is in a relationship? Your jealousy/paranoia and his controlling behaviour are a recipe for absolute disaster. You are worth more than that and you dont need to live like that.

I have no idea what apps my husband has on his phone. I have no idea who he follows, who he messages, who he talks to either online or real life. He goes away by himself for weekends, meets up with female friends and even stays at their houses and goes away with them without me.
Equally, I go away by myself, I have male friends who I see alone, ive even shared hotel rooms with them. And neither of us give any of it a second thought because we trust each other, and without trust, what even is a relationship?

Show quote history

We both come from a culture where having male or female friends is not acceptable ,i am not saying is right but thats how we are raised.
He is equally jealous even for me to work with men or post selfies online.
The other day he got upset why my work phone whatsapp had a profile picture and why do I speak on the phone with male clients.

OP posts:
ClearFruit · 24/12/2025 06:56

Are you 14?

PersephoneParlormaid · 24/12/2025 06:54

End it, that’s no way to live.

AprilinPortugal · 24/12/2025 06:52

Make sure you do end the relationship, ignore the silent treatment and post lots of stuff for him to see on social media showing how much you're enjoying your new life without him! That's the best revenge! Of course that's assuming you don't live together or have kids. If you do..still end this relationship for good and make plans to leave. Oh and because I'm petty I'd have messaged this woman and asked who she was!

Aplstrudl · 24/12/2025 06:52

You are an architect so clever professionally. Apply the same logic to your relationship - would you have a client who abused you? No. Dump the boyfriend as he’s plain nasty and this relationship is cracking and not working.