Page 5 | Niece is gay - AIBU

Livpool · 2025-12-23T22:05:54+00:00

My brother has just text to say niece has just come out as a lesbian. I said fab as no woman would choose to be straight. Then checked she wasn’t upset etc. and all happy. He joked she wanted a card to at ‘yay’ and I said I would oblige. I am out with a friend so mentioned it and she (straight woman FYI) said I am not taking it seriously and need to act like an adult about it. YABU - she so right, you are being silly and ride YANBu - you’re friend is ridiculous

Whyhaveibeencutoutofmamsnot · 23/12/2025 22:53

I do try and keep it to - is there anyone special they are seeing?

Particularly as some of my friends' adult DC's have had partners of either sex before deciding on the one to build a future with

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:53

Obeseandashamed · 23/12/2025 22:53

I suspect it’s a light hearted reference to the fact that the dating scene for heterosexuals is pretty awful out there for a lot of people atm! I have lots of single friends who are always complaining about it.

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Yeah that was it - thanks

OP posts:

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 23/12/2025 22:53

I think you reacted fine for her, I'm sure you'll find her a great card.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:53

Dancingsquirrels · 23/12/2025 22:48

I'd love to think that, in 21st century, being gay is no big deal, but ........ friends and colleagues routinely ask me if my DS has a girlfriend. There's an underlying assumption that people are straight. And not following social norms is not easy

Very true - thank you

OP posts:

Somethingneedstochange78 · 23/12/2025 22:53

Fatsnowflake · 23/12/2025 22:08

Why does it need to be a big deal anyway? I don’t even think anyone should need to ‘come out’ these days. My daughter just asked if her girlfriend could come over for tea and that was it. Don’t overthink it.

Edited

I love that so natural. Most that do the whole coming out thing say their family already knew.

Obeseandashamed · 23/12/2025 22:53

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 23/12/2025 22:15

I think your joke is in poor taste. “No woman would choose to be straight” said about a presumed teen coming out as lesbian? Either you’re doing an eye roll 🙄 implying she will grow out of it or you’re denigrating all women who aren’t lesbians. There is no good meaning to your joke.

I suspect it’s a light hearted reference to the fact that the dating scene for heterosexuals is pretty awful out there for a lot of people atm! I have lots of single friends who are always complaining about it.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:52

Ladamesansmerci · 23/12/2025 22:46

I'm a lesbian (32 and married with a child now!). I came out in my early 20's. My dad called me vile and my mum lamented the fact I'd never have a 'normal wedding'.

Meanwhile my brother rang me and just greeted me with 'ayup Gaylord' and proceeded to rib me but kindly, and we had a chat about hot women lol. Much preferred that 😁 People making a well intentioned joke to put me at ease always made me feel better, as it made it feel like it was no big deal.

Coming out is absolutely still stressful and it continues through your whole life. You come out over and over, with family, friends, in the workplace, etc. There's always that worry about how people will react. People just assume you are straight. It's not nice having to correct someone that you have a wife and not a husband. Everyone asks me about IVF and how I chose sperm! I don't personally mind this, but it's very invasive. Coming out is still a big deal, even though we do live in reasonably accepting times. Don't pretend it's some small thing. Homophobia is still alive and well. Sexuality is a huge and important part of your identity, and it can be confusing to figure out in a world where straight is the default.

Edited

Thank you for you comment.

I have spoken to my brother and he said “of course she wants a card and present, takes after you”!

I am so sorry you experienced that from your family - that is heartbreaking. My mum just text and said we about her a voucher, as she loves make up and my brother had spoken to her. I think straight people don’t get that it can be a big deal. And we don’t have to deal with it, how society changes. In the future I hope people won’t have to ‘come out’

OP posts:

wineosaurusrex · 23/12/2025 22:50

Frannyisreading · 23/12/2025 22:38

It sounds like she's perhaps feeling vulnerable and would like support from her loved ones. A card or message would be sweet and might help her feel accepted. Those saying "so what" "who needs to come out these days" "no big deal", well, have you done it yourself personally? If not, it's not really for you to say whether it's a big deal or not. Some young gay folks are disowned by fheir families. Others are bullied at school or work. My child has suffered homophobic abuse in the street and a friend was assaulted for being visibly out with a partner. Prejudice and hate still exists for gay people and those sharing this part of their life with you deserve support, positivity and acknowledgement.

I would die of embarrassment if a relative gave me a card or made it a big seal when i came out. Thats kind of treating it like a big deal and/or something i need sympathy and support for. I think OP's response was perfect!

As for all the posters saying "surely we dont need to come out these days" ummm i'm guessing you're all straight 😂

Obimumkinobi · 23/12/2025 22:48

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 23/12/2025 22:15

I think your joke is in poor taste. “No woman would choose to be straight” said about a presumed teen coming out as lesbian? Either you’re doing an eye roll 🙄 implying she will grow out of it or you’re denigrating all women who aren’t lesbians. There is no good meaning to your joke.

I think if she's denigrating anyone, it's men not straight women. And she has a point.
I'm straight and have often agreed with friends that 'domestically', life would be better.

Dancingsquirrels · 23/12/2025 22:48

I'd love to think that, in 21st century, being gay is no big deal, but ........ friends and colleagues routinely ask me if my DS has a girlfriend. There's an underlying assumption that people are straight. And not following social norms is not easy

TooMuchStop · 23/12/2025 22:48

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 23/12/2025 22:43

When my brothers youngest child changed to prefer pronouns of they/them we sent a card. Very much a "love ya whatever" support card.
It doesn't matter a jot, as long as they are happy.

Sexuality isn’t an issue, but I’d be concerned with my niece or nephew having issues with gender and gender ideology. I’d be checking that my sibling was getting them non affirming therapy and mental health care. That’s definitely something I’d take seriously
.

LancashireButterPie · 23/12/2025 22:47

Wouldn't it make life easier for everyone if we stopped assuming people's sexuality.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:47

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2025 22:41

I think you need to be a lot calmer and more matter of fact about it.

She won’t want a big fuss. She’ll want to know everything is as normal, that your view of her hasn’t changed.

That’s what I think anyway.

Thank you

OP posts:

Ladamesansmerci · 23/12/2025 22:46

I'm a lesbian (32 and married with a child now!). I came out in my early 20's. My dad called me vile and my mum lamented the fact I'd never have a 'normal wedding'.

Meanwhile my brother rang me and just greeted me with 'ayup Gaylord' and proceeded to rib me but kindly, and we had a chat about hot women lol. Much preferred that 😁 People making a well intentioned joke to put me at ease always made me feel better, as it made it feel like it was no big deal.

Coming out is absolutely still stressful and it continues through your whole life. You come out over and over, with family, friends, in the workplace, etc. There's always that worry about how people will react. People just assume you are straight. It's not nice having to correct someone that you have a wife and not a husband. Everyone asks me about IVF and how I chose sperm! I don't personally mind this, but it's very invasive. Coming out is still a big deal, even though we do live in reasonably accepting times. Don't pretend it's some small thing. Homophobia is still alive and well. Sexuality is a huge and important part of your identity, and it can be confusing to figure out in a world where straight is the default.

wineosaurusrex · 23/12/2025 22:46

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 23/12/2025 22:15

I think your joke is in poor taste. “No woman would choose to be straight” said about a presumed teen coming out as lesbian? Either you’re doing an eye roll 🙄 implying she will grow out of it or you’re denigrating all women who aren’t lesbians. There is no good meaning to your joke.

It was a joke. It was funny. You, clearly, are not.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:46

Frannyisreading · 23/12/2025 22:38

It sounds like she's perhaps feeling vulnerable and would like support from her loved ones. A card or message would be sweet and might help her feel accepted. Those saying "so what" "who needs to come out these days" "no big deal", well, have you done it yourself personally? If not, it's not really for you to say whether it's a big deal or not. Some young gay folks are disowned by fheir families. Others are bullied at school or work. My child has suffered homophobic abuse in the street and a friend was assaulted for being visibly out with a partner. Prejudice and hate still exists for gay people and those sharing this part of their life with you deserve support, positivity and acknowledgement.

So sorry to hear about your child - that is awful to hear. I am happy for her - knowing who you are at 17 is fantastic ,and we do live in a heteronormative society. You are right, being a lesbian is fantastic news and I will happily celebrate her. DS (10) is thrilled as he has no other gay women is his immediate family!

I am torn now between thrilled for a young woman who knows who she is, with her whole life ahead of her, and not wanting to make a big deal of something (if we lived in a better society) workaday

OP posts:

sharkstale · 23/12/2025 22:44

SouthernNights59 · 23/12/2025 22:40

Don't worry about your comment OP. A sense of humour is seriously lacking in some MNers.

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This

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 23/12/2025 22:43

When my brothers youngest child changed to prefer pronouns of they/them we sent a card. Very much a "love ya whatever" support card.
It doesn't matter a jot, as long as they are happy.

SillyNavyTiger · 23/12/2025 22:42

Good grief, I am so glad my own niece didn't have to put up with all this nonsense. She never "came out" , she just is who she is. One day, she arrived at a family wedding with her current girl-friend, the same way her brother arrived with his own girl-friend.

No one is asking people who they have sex with do they? It's sad that people still think they have to "come out" in this country.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2025 22:41

I think you need to be a lot calmer and more matter of fact about it.

She won’t want a big fuss. She’ll want to know everything is as normal, that your view of her hasn’t changed.

That’s what I think anyway.

B1anche · 23/12/2025 22:40

I thought your joke about women not choosing to be straight was funny. Really some people are so uptight.

SouthernNights59 · 23/12/2025 22:40

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:29

Fair enough - I am straight and in a happy marriage. My ‘no woman would choose to be straight’ comment is facetious as I used to work with one other straight woman and about 5 lesbians and it was an in-joke that the gay women didn’t need to explain when they were hormonal as their partners ‘got it’. And with other friends dating men it just became a silly comment

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Don't worry about your comment OP. A sense of humour is seriously lacking in some MNers.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:39

Concretejungle1 · 23/12/2025 22:37

Love your comment 😂some people have no humour.
Agree, what’s there to take seriously? Niece is gay, no big deal! Friend is being odd.

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Thank you for this - it was just a silly comment! I am happy she is happy with herself!

OP posts:

MeouwKing · 23/12/2025 22:39

I don't think anyone choses to be gay. You are or you aren't.

Frannyisreading · 23/12/2025 22:38

It sounds like she's perhaps feeling vulnerable and would like support from her loved ones. A card or message would be sweet and might help her feel accepted. Those saying "so what" "who needs to come out these days" "no big deal", well, have you done it yourself personally? If not, it's not really for you to say whether it's a big deal or not. Some young gay folks are disowned by fheir families. Others are bullied at school or work. My child has suffered homophobic abuse in the street and a friend was assaulted for being visibly out with a partner. Prejudice and hate still exists for gay people and those sharing this part of their life with you deserve support, positivity and acknowledgement.