Niece is gay - AIBU

I've said the same thing to lesbian family members of mine, who agree wholeheartedly! Some of my straight female friends have said it too, and we've all laughed and agreed - the happily partnered ones, the single ones, and especially the ones with useless husbands.

Even my (very lovely, not-useless) husband agrees, knowing the calibre of many men, and doesn't take offence at the statement at all.

So don't apologise for the truth 😂 I think your reaction to your niece coming out is perfectly fine!

when my dd told me she was dating a women, I was genuinely happy for her. Like your niece, she is very secure in her own skin, and her gf is lovely.
I do understand that it can be a bigger thing to other people. My dd has another friend who is a lesbian who can't tell her family, and some male gay friends who seem to attract a lot more homophobic abuse that she and her partner do.
My dd also says it was easier for her (she is bi) as she never had the angst of feeling "different " at a young age, as she believed she was straight. She appreciates that it is much easier to suddenly realise in your late teens/ 20s that you are in love with a woman than to know from an early age that you are "different"
So i guess what I'm trying to say is that every "coming out" is different. No card here from me, but hopefully she feels total acceptance. But it sounds like your dn would appreciate the card (and probably the joke) so why not?!!

My cousin came out as gay to me. It had taken her a whole year to tell me and we are extremely close as well. And she built it up as this big thing to tell me and then I was like 'oh ok' which I think was good but also confusing for her as she had built it up to be such a big conversation. So I think if it is a big event to the person close to you to tell you then acknowledging that it is big for them with a card or whatever is supportive. Same as 'I'm pregnant, yay'.

@Livpool I think my point is, if a close young relative's sexuality is gay/lesbian/bi, then you should 'care' (though I appreciate you may have meant you don't mind), as in care enough to know that's a potential vulnerability for them - albeit way less than it was in the past in this country - and maybe feel just a bit more protective of them.

Not just because of potential discrimination, but also because they could be more susceptible to thinking or being told that they're actually trans - which comes with its own risks and vulnerabilities and hassle - and because their privacy gets invaded a bit more.

It is of course easy to make a joke along the lines you did when the person is a lesbian, but you wouldn't have been easily able to joke in a such cutesy/facetiously (to use your word) way if your niece was a nephew coming out, and that may be what made your friend a bit uncomfortable deep down.

Does sound a little cringe

My eldest told me he was gay at 15. And it absolutely was a big deal. If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t have spent months working up the courage to tell us - even though he had no reason to think we would have a problem with it. He has a boyfriend and they have been harassed in the street, even when not holding hands or doing anything that identifies them as a couple. DS1 has a very alternative style of dress and gets called homophobic names by complete strangers fairly frequently. I worry about him because there are definitely some people roaming around looking for trouble.

You sound as though you have a great relationship with your niece OP and it’s fabulous that she has such a supportive family.

Ignore them, they're probably trolls, and if they aren't, just have no sense of humour.

Despite your user name you are not very nice.

@Livpool I said fab as no woman would choose to be straight.

Ah yes. All heterosexual relationships are awful because of men (even though women approach and select their partners to begin with), and every lesbian relationship is wonderful because there are no men.

Yay, homophobia!

I thought your joke was funny too. I often say I wish I was a lesbian.

My DD didn’t really ‘come out’. Just started spending every waking hour with one particular female friend, until it became very obvious to anyone with eyes that they were in love with each other. 💚

For some reason I feel like you're being a bit performative @Livpool , including with the joke you made. Sort of like 'look at me, being so supportive by making a deal out of saying it's not a big deal'.

My son came out at around 13. He's experienced homophobia. A couple of boys got suspended by their school for one particular incident.

I am very proud of my son for being brave enough to come out in a school environment that was likely to not be fully supported, and I'm extremely proud that he is confident in who he is (it's one of the things I love best about him), and we've had a couple of boyfriends of his over the years come round.

But yet I feel it would be remiss of me as a parent to be like 'it's fabulous and also, what of it, who cares?' Because many people do care, many still find it distasteful even if on the surface they front as if they don't. Anti-gay feelings can be insidious.

When my son told me he was gay, I knew deep down, but fervently hoped otherwise, that I'd get a call from someone in a position of authority saying my son had received homophobic abuse. Sure enough that time came. And I know it may happen again. I don't like my child having that vulnerability, or any. It doesn't mean I'm not supportive of him being gay, but being the parent of a young gay person does come with a set of particular worries.

I'm going to throw a different perspective into the mix from someone who is gay.

It is a big deal, especially for teens, and I've never seen it discussed.

Common thoughts of people are along the lines of;

• it doesn't matter in this day and age
• mentions of homophobia

Picture yourself as a 15 year old gay lad or lesbian.

Your friends know and aren't at all homophobic, they fully accept you and aren't bothered at all.

In fact no one you come across is homophobic!!

You are different - different to most of your mates.

Let's say you are a gay lad and are hanging out with your mates and they start discussing girls they fancy. You aren't really part of that conversation.

You aren't going to discuss the hot lad you fancy (who is probably straight) - you just aren't!

You may be the only gay person in your year at school.

It's often only when that gay teen starts going on the gay scene when they are older that they feel they 'belong' more - find their tribe if you will.

(I'm not sure if I've expressed the above all that well BTW).

I've seen massive changes over the years BTW - I came out in the 80s.

Most adults couldn't give a damn about a person's sexuality, and neither do kids and teens.

I see far more gay people in senior positions in business and they are the ones my gaydar detects.

What I'm basically trying to say is that it isn't just homophobia that is an issue to teens coming out, in fact that may not be an issue at all but it can still be difficult for other reasons.

I think it’s lovely you’re being supportive but a bit odd she is expecting you and her nan to pool money to get her a gift card for being gay. But if you’re happy to get her one then go for it.

When i say child, they are a grown up adult of 24

Certainly old enough to make their own

Not disagreeing with your personal experience, but as a teacher I don't recognise what you've said about schools at all - for one thing, it's been 20+ years since section 28 ended, most teachers in schools today won't even have been teaching then (I was, but I'm on the old side now)

true, but most people have experienced discrimination or abuse at some point: being the wrong colour, dating someone with the wrong colour, belonging to the wrong religion, having the wrong accent, having the wrong name (on cv, on rental applications...)

and abuse because of said accent, job, parents job, hair colour! some kids are still beaten up because they are "ginger"!, size

sadly the list is pretty much endless.

And I am trying. If I’m doing something wrong then please do say because I want to be a support to my daughter.

I’m not suggesting that gay people don’t experience abuse. I’m suggesting that as family, friends and supporters we can make it easier by behaving normally so that our gay loved ones know that they don’t have to be worried they’ll be treated differently around us.

That for us it’s ’no big deal.’ My daughter has a girlfriend- that’s fine and normal. But equally I’m here to support if she does face issues in wider society. I’m not dismissing those.

Unfortunately at 18 she has already come across prejudice. But to me her sexuality is no big deal and it shouldn’t be to society either. We don’t live in that society yet but I hope we will do one day.