I remember having a moment of real sudden clarity in my early thirties. I was in a long term relationship at the time. We lived together, said we loved each other, had children, were even officially married towards the end of it. And it suddenly dawned on me that if he'd been expected to put in even a fraction of the effort I did, he would probably have run for the hills.
On the surface, we were living the same life. Same house, similar working hours, roughly the same salary. But underneath that, there were vast areas of everyday life he had no real awareness of and no interest in understanding. Everything domestic sat with me - housework, decorating, childcare, organising holidays and leisure, and all the invisible admin that keeps life functioning. Bills, mortgage, insurances, subscriptions, medical appointments, everything. He took care of his work admin and his car, and that was essentially it - unless I very explicitly asked for something and then reminded twenty times, becoming the nagging wife (and in the end it always was much easier to just do it myself).
If I eased off even slightly because work was intense or say because of illness, he noticed immediately and raised it. But the reverse never seemed to apply. He never once disadvantaged himself for my benefit. My needs and interests didn't really exist on his radar unless I spelled them out very explicitly and framed them as demands.
And when something went "wrong" (missed appointments, diary clashes, late payments etc), because those areas were "mine", any mistake automatically became my fault. Over time, it began to feel as though I am just making only mistakes, and he was the one patiently suffering from them.
That realisation crystallised more than a decade ago, incidentally, a few days after Christmas, which is when we split. He hadn't got me anything at all, because he "wasn't even sure what I was interested in" and I hadn't pointed to something specific and said "I want it". It was a genuine eye-opener. After half a decade together, talking endlessly about life, sharing hobbies, likes and dislikes, travelling, going to lectures, museums, concerts, festivals, gigs, trips. Discussing politics, current and historical affairs, books and films. And yet he still had no real idea who I was as a person, beyond the fact that I was the one who knew how to make the washing machine work.
I'm in another long term relationship now, with somewhat similar (a bit more equal) dynamic and I do love the guy. But I’ve accepted that he's more of an ornamental addition to my life than someone I need on a gut level, and I don't set my expectations too high.