Absolutely lost it tonight and feel like the worst mother

You gave your misbehaving child a well deserved telling off, that does not make you a terrible parent.

OP, next time things escalate like this, take yourself away from the situation, or put DS somewhere he is safe (like his bedroom) for a couple of minutes while you re-group. If he goes to hit you, hold his arms so he can’t, and tell him (in a gentle voice!!) that it’s never OK to hit people. He’s hitting you, though, because he wants you to stop shouting and he’s only little and he doesn’t know how to do it! We all lose it sometimes and raise our voices and get cross and feel bad about it afterwards. Your DC is only three and totally dependent on you. Do try not to shout at him - easier said than done - sometimes, either or both of you need a couple of minutes’ “time out”. But don’t beat yourself up about it - we’re all only human. It happened, so try to think how you can stop it from happening again. Motherhood is difficult, so be kind to yourself as well as your DS.

Give yourself a break - you sound like a living mum and you hardly went crazy. It's ok to say i'm sorry for raising my voice afterwards as well.

My children are older teens now but I was totally there with shouty moments and feeling terrible after. They seem like nice people now and we have a good relationship so I don’t think they were scarred. I was really helped by the How to Talk so Kids listen… book. It has lots of cartoon scenarios and so it was easy to refer to even in the heat of an escalation and was often stuff I knew really but helped to have a reminder.

You’re doing great x

This is a lovely post and I appreciate the time and thought that’s gone into it, there is some excellent advice.

I have to admit though that the typo where it says “Motherhood doesn't come with a Manuel”
really made me giggle thinking of having Manuel from fawlty towers being available to assist during the difficult times of parenting 😂.

It made me think of him saying “I know nothing” when being approached on asking for advice on a fraught situation when you are trying to wrangle a fractious toddler.

To be fair it’s probably no different than most men’s reactions!

My mum had ppd and was really really ill with it.

I am ND and never slept and was a really difficult child, my mum said she said she felt she was losing her mind with sleep deprivation because I literally didn’t sleep at night for more then a couple of hours at a time (I still don’t!)
My dad told me they used to drive round for hours at night because I sometimes slept longer in the car and it was the only way he could give my mum a break and let her catch up on sleep.
I have ADHD and was also very hyperactive and never gave my parents a break, I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to raise me and there were 2 of them.

I don’t remember being put in a bin but apparently one day my mum completely broke down and said she’d had enough and put me in the outside bin, I was a toddler and she told my dad to leave me for the bin men.
My dad obviously got me out straight away and it was before the days of wheelie bins and the bin was pretty full so I was apparently standing and could see over the top.

I do remember a wonderful childhood with two loving parents who did occasionally lose their rag and shout.

I remember some of these occasions (when I was a bit older) but also remember realising I’d been really naughty and thinking I needed to behave a bit better!
My mum would also shout at my sister (also ND) and she would just laugh completely unfazed.

My mum confessed to me about putting me in the bin when I was a teenager and said she had felt eaten up inside with guilt for years, she was scared of my reaction and but felt she had to confess in case it affected me in the future and I needed therapy.

I found it amusing and wasn’t surprised or upset at all, I thought she was an amazing person for not showing her frustration more often and had nothing but love and admiration for her. I recognise she was ill and struggling and this wasn’t just a method of punishment but was the final straw and I suspect she was also ND.

OP your DS will likely forget all about this or it might make him think again about his behaviour, he’s young but I have very clear early memories and just remember thinking I’d pushed things too far rather then being upset when I was shouted at.

I don’t mean a few seconds of shouting in frustration but my mum losing her temper properly and being really angry and giving me a good telling off!

You are doing a difficult job raising a child alone and are a human not a robot so don’t be hard on yourself for reaching the final straw.
You aren’t abusive, there isn’t a prolonged pattern of this behaviour and your DS was being really naughty!

Give yourself a break, start afresh and put it behind you. I think sometimes kids need to know they are pushing too far and it’s better than trying to reason with a child too young to understand and who needs boundaries.

Ignore the of nonsense of the pp as it’s a complete overreaction and it’s so normal for parents to lose their temper occasionally.
I bet your DS will have a wonderful Christmas that will totally wipe away this memory and you need to forget about it as well and move on.

Concentrate on the responses from people who don’t judge you and have likely been in your position at one time or another, parenting is fucking hard and doing it alone is especially difficult 💕.

I echo all the previous posters: You sound like a good mum. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed when dealing with challenging toddler behaviour - We've all been there. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Since you asked for advice, whenever I feel myself starting to get exasperated or feel myself bubbling inside, I consciously try to 1. Set boundary/change the environment 2. redirect or distract where appropriate 3.make laughter happen to diffuse tension.

Eg. Tonight DD looked at me dead in the face and started smudging yogurt into her hair after I had made up my mind to skip bath time as we are out of bubble bath! "Yogurt is for eating it doesn't go in our hair. *Takes away almost empty yoghurt pot. What CAN we put in our hair? Cue daughter (with some encouragement) coming up with more and more crazy ideas about things w can put in our hair.
Second example, DD was completely ignoring me and wriggling around in the bath, trying to stand up and splashing like a wild animal. So I got her straight out (boundary/stopped me shouting), explained that she needs to listen to mummy in the bath in my calmest voice, made silly noises pretending to turn her listening ears on, she did the same to me and then I had cuddles from a dripping wet toddler.

I'm just sharing the way I stop myself shouting or feeling overwhelmed - not saying it's the right way. I'm sure other posters will suggest some even better ideas. There are things you can do to feel more in control of your reactions. Motherhood doesn't come with a Manuel, you have to figure it out as you go. The fact you care says to me you are a great mum. 3 year olds are hard work.

The times I remember my mum ‘losing it’ with me were fully justified. I’d been a right little shit.

He’s learning where his boundaries are and what happens if he crosses them. This should result in a negative consequence for him, that’s how he learns. Him being good later shows this.

You want it to affect him, it’s how he learns how to act and what discipline means - and it’s so much easier to learn at 3 than 13.

It sounds like you’re a good mum who’s had a difficult parenting moment. It’s not nice for anyone involved, but sometimes it’s necessary.

I’m generally pretty anti shouting but everyone loses the rag occasionally and I think occasionally seeing that adults get things wrong too and have to apologise and make it right, just like they do when they get it wrong, is good for them.
3 is a hard age, even when you’re not doing it essentially single handedly. You’re doing great.

As a fellow single mother to a child who when she was little, used to wind me up intentionally (although she ended up with a diagnosis of autism at age 4), I promise you, you have not failed! You’re not superwoman you’re a mum spinning twice the plates most other mums are and every once in a while, one drops. Pick it back up again and keep spinning.
I will promise you one thing though, I swear it gets easier with every passing year. I promise it does. The more they grow, the more they start to understand & comprehend things and that is a massive help. Things were considerably easier once she was about 4 and a half. Now she’s almost 11 and although she can still be frustrating, she’s great company, a great friend and frankly, a massive help! Keep spinning OP 💜

do you think the most affective thing to do is support and advise someone, or just kick them when they’re down?

Another example of feckless men who cannot look after their own child.

And Sundays it'll be McDonald's, park, treats galore. Disney dad a go go. No pressure for him, he's a four hour a week dad. Which, as we know, is easy. And easy to look good, be the 'fun' parent, in a super good mood, because he's refreshed and has the rest of the week to himself.

Whereas our op is in the trenches with her three year old. All the time, except for four hours a week or whatever. Meals. Sleep. Nursery. Tears. Tantrums. Christmas overload. Etc.

You're doing an AMAZING job op. You really are.

🍷 🌲

Well, good luck everyone treating their kids like that. I bet you tell your kids off for shouting at you, but if you do it it's okay because the child was naughty. Can't even imagine someone three times your size having a go at you. It's bloody frightening even if you think they aren't frightened. They are.

Cringing at the poster who said the co-worker would not bat your head. You pretty much proved my point. A child is gonna act like a child. Someone who's still developing and is dependent on an adult for survival. Awful abuse of power. Your triggers are yours to manage, whether it's a child, a coworker or a stranger.

I’m too shouty and I hate it. What I always make sure I do is apologise the following day and when we’re both calm explain I’m sorry, that sometimes grown ups get grumpy and tired too, and that I’m trying to learn how to stop doing it.

🤣🤣

Just wait until he’s a few years older and listens to you never. You’ll lose your shit even more then.

Look, he was being persistently naughty so you shouted and you both cried. He acknowledged he was later being good, meaning he understood his prior behaviour was naughty.

Thats all normal! He was making unnecessary mess, not listening and hitting you. Of course you shouted, any good parent would. It was your way of communicating that he went too far.

Dont be afraid to discipline your child, it’s how they learn to be better behaved. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He knows he’s loved.

He will be much happier with firm boundaries in place and sometimes you have to show them you mean business. It’s not fun for anyone but when they’re throwing food around and hitting you they have to know you’re properly not happy with them.

You should probably lay off the Christmas sherry.

If you lost it like that to anyone else (a coworker?) it would have serious consequences.

That's just batty and incomparable. Her coworker wouldn't be hitting her on the head or screaming or chucking food all over the floor.

Does your toddler act like a coworker?! "Dear mother, please could you transfer me a snack by end of play today, thanks in advance, kind regards".

Thanks for the chuckle anyway. The bonkers hyperbole of the Gentle Parenting brigade never fails to disappoint!

I echo these wise words

All of us been there

Never easy sadly
We are only human

I was beating myself over something last week even though I'm juggling a lot

Learning lessons are so valuable
New day tomorrow

The very fact that you're so upset now tells me that for sure you are a bloody great mum!
And, give yourself a break. 3 is a hard age, it really is and you're doing it alone. To be honest you should give yourself a pat on the back because being a mum without a break is hard and nobody, despite what they may say, is Mary Poppins.

@Caudooo did you want advice or just some kind words to feel a bit better?

So you say you completely lost it. Imagine someone in authority and much bigger and someone you depend on for dear life lost it at you. How would you feel? Yep. That's how your child felt.

I dont agree with the 'its not that bad'. It's abusive. If you lost it like that to anyone else (a coworker?) it would have serious consequences. So it's not nothing. I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I ask you for the sake of your child to understand their experience and think of ways to repair (not delude yourself which you don't) and find ways to remove yourself before it gets to this in the future. Your relationship with you child will be better if you acknowledge what this does to him.

Oh god, really don't beat yourself up about this. I found an old diary recently that completely took me back to when ds1 was 3 and totally able to push my buttons...I totally remember losing my shit with him and feeling so guilty afterwards. We would all like to say we're perfect parents and never shout but few of us can. Move on, show him lots of love, have a happy Christmas. He loves you and won't remember it.