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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make my daughter wear her hair down on Xmas day

365 replies

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 19:58

I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 23/12/2025 20:23

She’s 6, plenty of time for dress codes but this is not the year. I’ve said no jeans on Christmas Day - dd1 lives in jeans and was slightly panicked but I have given her notice and money to buy an outfit! Dd1 is 17 and respectful, as am I, but I was a total pain about clothes when I was 3-9 years old and had to be bribed into trousers for fireworks night 😆

ClaredeBear · 23/12/2025 20:22

I can understand why you’d like her to have her lovely hair down for just one day but perhaps this is the wrong day. Maybe she’ll reconsider another time, when things are more relaxed.

sprigatito · 23/12/2025 20:21

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

This is what I suggested. So that it’s not in her face. It was a resounding no!

And thank you for understanding, this is exactly my issue. She needs to know (as do all kids) about dress codes. She dresses and styles herself however she wants for school, outings etc. she’s got oodles of choice with everything. But there comes a time when certain things aren’t appropriate. She’s been asked to be a flower girl at my brothers wedding and has outright refused due to the dress code; things like that are hard to manage I’m torn between get on with it and well it will make her uncomfortable

Show quote history

Parents always seem to trot out this line about dress codes, and it’s really not valid. There are very, very few situations in which an adult woman is forced to perform femininity against her will. Being clean, tidy and presentable is adequate in the vast majority of jobs, restaurants, social environments. No adult woman has to be a bridesmaid if she doesn’t want to, and if she hates the dress requirements she can either decline or negotiate with the bride.

Unless you are planning for your daughter to have a career at Hooters, it’s unlikely she will ever be required to wear her hair down, or adapt her taste in clothing to make it more overtly girly.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 23/12/2025 20:21

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

It’s nothing to do with her being a girl and apply the same to my son.

Show quote history

You require him to grow his hair into a style he doesn’t like and you force him into clothes he hates?

Zanatdy · 23/12/2025 20:21

I voted YABU but my DD did not have as much freedom at 6 that she would be turning down a flower girl invite due to dress code. Kids do need to learn there’s a time and place and I wouldn’t be wondering around shops looking for outfits only for her to not to like them. I was glad my only DD did love to wear dresses (as had 2 sons before her so enjoyed the dresses / tights etc).

arcticpandas · 23/12/2025 20:19

She's 6! There is no dress code at 6! She needs to be clean and proper that's all. @Namechangesecretsignature please just let her be happy

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/12/2025 20:19

But you don't have to dress up for Christmas day though, unless you're going to church at Sandringham. Surely she can learn this etiquette lesson somewhere else? Does she have a uniform for school? Rainbows or beavers? A particular kit for a sport?

MsTiggy · 23/12/2025 20:18

Yes YABVU to make her wear her hair down. If she prefers her hair to be tied back, what is the problem with that? You can ignore her and see how forcing her goes but I think you already know how that will pan out. Much ado about nothing OP.

Tearsofthemushroom · 23/12/2025 20:18

When I was 24 my ‘DM’ slapped me across the face because I didn’t want to dress up for Christmas dinner. When does it end?

stargirl1701 · 23/12/2025 20:17

YABU.

It’s her hair, it’s her choice. Her choices are not a reflection of you as a parent. She is a person.

MysteryNameChange · 23/12/2025 20:16

If your in Liverpool lots of families don't do new clothes for Xmas day. I do some years and not others. It's a waste of money if they're clothes you won't get any use out of, your making Christmas more stressful for yourself. If she likes being a boyish scruff let her be comfortable and happy over Christmas.

Pricelessadvice · 23/12/2025 20:16

Don’t force your daughter to be uncomfortable all day just because you want her to be a girlie girl.

SuperSharpShooter · 23/12/2025 20:16

Clean and tidy thats all that matters OP.
No need for outfits for days, especially if you're skint. Stop making more work for yourself!

On another note; stop obsessing (and alowing others) about her hair
All the coments and touching, eerrgh. It literally grows from her head and she has little control over that, stop making it a 'thing'

Stop making loads of things 'things'.

LighthouseLED · 23/12/2025 20:15

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

It’s nothing to do with her being a girl and apply the same to my son.

Show quote history

Are you making them wear their hair down as well?

Original poster
Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 23/12/2025 20:11

Sounds very controlling and appearance-focussed. We never required our boys to dress up for Christmas or do anything special with their hair (haha!) at that age. The brief was for them to be clean and comfortable and to enjoy themselves which unfortunately seems to be a far cry from your priorities.

It’s nothing to do with her being a girl and apply the same to my son.

OP posts:
DeftGoldHedgehog · 23/12/2025 20:14

Pick your battles. I was the opposite and wouldn't be seen dead in trousers until I was about 11 years old. Wanted to wear pretty dresses and skirts all the time however impractical they were for playing football, riding a bike etc. My mum would be tearing her hair out trying to get me to wear practical and hard wearing clothes. Suddenly it didn't bother me any more and it seemed daft.

Minnie798 · 23/12/2025 20:14

Anyone else hope op's dd goes through a buzz cut phase soon.
In all seriousness though, stop placing such importance on appearances ( beyond being clean and tidy) . She's 6 years old.

Calendulaaria · 23/12/2025 20:14

What's your relationship like with your parents who forced you to wear what they wanted, go where they wanted and do what they wanted all the time?

Superfrog3 · 23/12/2025 20:14

When shes older you will look back at the photos and remember the smiles and the happiness not how they have their hair. I get it my daughter has beaitiful curly hair but you have to let her grow to hopefully love her hair, if you force her to have her hair down she will hate it even more.

Original poster
Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

Smallfry79 · 23/12/2025 20:07

yanbu.
I agree that you have to pick your battles but also you are the parent and she is only 6. Its your job to teach her that certain occassions and events require different dress codes. If she isnt a girly girly ahe doessnt have to wear a red tutu and sparkly top but she can wear nice navy leggings and a dressier sweatshirt.
As for the hair, would she compromise to have a half up style? Where the front of it is ties back so not all in her face but still nice and long/ in all its glory at tge back?

This is what I suggested. So that it’s not in her face. It was a resounding no!

And thank you for understanding, this is exactly my issue. She needs to know (as do all kids) about dress codes. She dresses and styles herself however she wants for school, outings etc. she’s got oodles of choice with everything. But there comes a time when certain things aren’t appropriate. She’s been asked to be a flower girl at my brothers wedding and has outright refused due to the dress code; things like that are hard to manage I’m torn between get on with it and well it will make her uncomfortable

OP posts:
ForeverPombear · 23/12/2025 20:13

I hate my hair down, it annoys me. My DM used to do this when I was smaller for the same reason 'you've got beautiful curly hair and I want to see it'. I don't ever wear it down longer than half an hour now because it's tangles and bothers me, it's in my face or going down the back of my shirt etc.

Let her be.

persisted · 23/12/2025 20:12

If you insist that she wear her hair down you are teaching her that the most important thing to you is what she looks like, regardless of anything else. That her job is to look pretty for others.
If I had a daughter that is not the message I would want her to have.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 23/12/2025 20:11

Sounds very controlling and appearance-focussed. We never required our boys to dress up for Christmas or do anything special with their hair (haha!) at that age. The brief was for them to be clean and comfortable and to enjoy themselves which unfortunately seems to be a far cry from your priorities.

PotolKimchi · 23/12/2025 20:11

It’s her hair. It’s part of her body. Unless this is causing an actual inconvenience to you it is very very unreasonable to demand she wears her hair the way you want her to. I was also that girl. I never wore a dress till my 20s. I had very short hair. Refused to get my ears pierced. I am now married, have kids, I am wearing a dress for Christmas Day and I like a bit of make up and jewellery. I came to my femininity on my own terms in my own time. If my parents had forced me I would have never done this.

PersephonePomegranate · 23/12/2025 20:10

You're telling her that she's not good enough as herself, OP, whether that's what you're intending to tell her or not.

It's Christmas dinner, not a job interview. She's not trying to go out in PJs without brushing hair or teeth - her outfit is fine. Stop projecting your narrow mindedness onto your children.

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