He asked me for a handjob 5 days after giving birth.

Oh and congratulations 💐

This.

Take it one day at a time and if he is being a twat, send him back to his mums for a bit. If you want to work on your relationship do it as parents and not as BF and GF. That can wait.

All of that is sad, and explains why you are anti-woman. Having an abusive mother is terrible.

None of it means you get to have an opinion on what unwanted sexual activity a 5-day post-partum woman should partake in. You know nothing about post-partum bodies and feelings. Your earlier posts were deleted.

I do worry that you haven’t done the hard work on yourself and you’re having a baby very soon. Be extremely careful about the messages you give them. Giving either a girl or a boy the message that women are horrible and dramatic, and men deserve handjobs when they want them is damaging to both. Someone is raising men who hate women and think they deserve what they get. Don’t let it be you.

Why shouldn’t she trust him with the baby?!

@mondaystuesdays I was a midwife to younger mothers for many years and this is a classic story. You split up as a couple for good reasons. Having him in the delivery room means you were and are both in a heightened emotional state. Getting back together seems the most beautiful thing in the world.

Then reality starts to creep in and he starts to realise that parenting isn’t actually as much fun as his usual life. He is in close proximity to you and forgets you’ve just given birth so chances his luck for sexual favours. In other words he’s already drifting back and next he’ll be out drinking with his mates or whatever floats his boat while you are sad, resentful and literally holding the baby.

I gently warn you this is doomed. Drag it out and you’ll get sadder and sadder. If you decide now to not be a couple but to try and co parent well it will have a better chance.

I suggest you choose your baby’s name yourself and look towards independence. Be happy as a single mum and yes, hopefully he will support you but try and make it works as a couple and it’s very likely to go badly wrong. He didn’t even last 5 days before letting you down.

congratulations on your beautiful baby.

Do not give the baby his surname. He sounds a right chancer and not a good dad so I doubt he will around for long and then your child will have a different surname for you for ever. If by a miracle things do work out them change it if you get married but he is never going to let you change it from his to yours even if he is a an absent parent

i don’t know if I will go to baby groups as I am young and I worry about being judged,

Do give them a try OP. You won't be judged, but if you feel uncomfortable you can always look for another. I found the support and company of other mothers an absolute godsend when DS1 was tiny.

Still don't believe it, actually. Too forceful, angry and self righteous about the priority of handjobs over five day old newborns and their post partum mothers. Too convenient a story about specifically female concerns and why women are so shit and it's still all their fault. Too angry at the idea that a thread about a postpartum woman being treated badly isn't actually a thread about why women are shit and men are victims.

But even if I'm wrong, it's definitely a total me-railer.

Yes, that is indeed what I said. Please point out the promise I made.

Aww OP ❤️ i was a young mum (18) with my first and understand the fear of judgement. You sound alone. If you want to chat or vent, message me xx

YorkshireGoldDrinker · Yesterday 20:15
Yes and I understand where she's coming from. Then I give my opinion without being abrasive.
I've checked out of this thread, to be honest. I don't tolerate such disgusting abuse on this site.

I did no such thing.

Yorkshire does appear to be a woman.
But of the Handmaid / Cockbeggar type. Always on hand to give a misogynist take.

You promised you were fucking off from this thread

And? He’s still a loser.

I don’t think you read it fully…

He just agreed to get back with you as he was missing sexual access.

Put him in the bin.

Maybe I'll give birth to a healthy, live baby, yeah? I have a long history of recurrent miscarriage, IVF and general untold heartbreak. I'm not, have never been and will never be a 'pick-me girl'. I did get on better with some of the boys when I was at school because I was bullied a lot by the girls. I hated their drama and gossip, so I kept a distance from them.

When my periods came, I became anaemic and passed out on my mum's bedroom floor. She asked me to get something for her from her room, so I went to her room and looked for the thing she wanted, I came over really faint and went to lean on the bedside table, I then fell to the floor and dragged a bunch of things off the bedside table. Next thing I know I'm coming round and I hear commotion, my mum is in the midst of yet another psychotic meltdown and then I see an adult-sized foot come straight at my head at what looked to me like 100mph. I was probably an inch away from getting knocked out a second time.

Later on in school, I've had a toilet cubicle door kicked down on me mid-pee by three girls who 'had nothing better to do'. I was the nerdy outcast, so let's ruin my already rubbish day, yeah? I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. My form tutor (a man) took pity on me and told the other kids, mainly girls, to BTFO.

So as you can see by now, I've come to dislike my own species over the years. I have no patience for them. I don't have oodles of patience for some men, either, and at this point in my life, I'm not that keen on people, regardless of what's between their legs.

If you want to be snarky, that's fine. If people think I'm a man for merely having the gumption to post an opinion that I know will get me some flaming, that's also fine. Both of these things are choices that are free to be made in the same way I had the choice to post what I posted. But do not dare think it's okay to try to make me feel lesser just because I have an opinion that you cannot amicably disagree with. I've been abused virtually my whole life, I'm not used it, I'm fed up of it.

If you've got this far, that means you can read. That's good. I don't much care.

I bid you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Have a good one and look after each other.

The real question @mondaystuesdays is do you love him? Do feel like smiling inside when he comes into the room? Do you miss him when he leaves?

If not then don't get into a relationship with him.

He is the father of your baby and he wants to be in the baby's life - that's good. But he can do that without you being in a relationship. It isn't an "either/or" situation.

Like everyone else has said. 👋

Congratulations on your new baby
Having a baby is one of the most stressful times in a relationship and that's a long standing stable one at that. I think you will agree your relationship isn't in this category so both of you will have to work harder to make things work.

A couple of things to think about -

You need to tell your DP that he'd better get used to sorting himself out as your off sex for at least 6 weeks, so if he's back with you for a quick shag, he's out of luck and any whining or winging should gethim sent straight back to his mummy.

after the Christmas break please check with the Housing team about the rules on people staying over / moving into you accomodation. The last time you need is being thrown out for breaking the terms of your tenancy.

Ask your midwife / health visitor for mum and baby groups with a larger proportion of younger mums. Even if you can't get that information try out a local one and see how it goes for a few weeks. They can be scary to walk into but most are fine and will be a great source of information, advice and support.

You'll have heard plenty about the birth certificate. I strongly urge you to give the baby your surname. If things do work out for you and your stay togther long term / marry you can change the baby's name if you want to. Don't fall for the 'It's tradition for babies to have the father's name'. The tradition is for babies to have their mother's surname but as way back most mothers were married AND therefore their husband's name, all babies had their Dad's name.

You will need to talk through money - how much he needs to give you for the baby and if he is to stay living with you, how much he pays in rent, food, utlities etc. Take care - if he says he'll live with his mum, but then ends up mostly with you, he'll still need to pay his share of food and utilities.

Take care mondaystuesdays - you sound so young, with a small babe and a very new relationship. However you also sound like you have a sensible head on your shoulders so go with your gut and stand up for what you want to you and your child.

Ewwwww.

Get rid.

i don’t know if I will go to baby groups as I am young and I worry about being judged, and friends drifted whilst I was pregnant so I just feel alone @mondaystuesdays

It's worth going to a few to see what they're like. I wasn't a young mum but I'm not British so I remember feeling like I'd be left out.

The first time I went I didn't talk to anyone but my baby loved it, so I kept going. After a few weeks I felt confident enough to talk to people there.

Craft groups can be helpful as well as there's often older women who will take you under their wing!

He may not understand the experience you are going through, and how hard it is for you. You need to talk to him, but, fundamentally, its all down to him caring about you and being willing to be kind and supportive. He may have his drives and desires but he needs to understand your feelings, too. He may be young but after talking to him you will be able to see what kind of person he actually is - caring and supportive or selfish and unkind.

He sounds young, thoughtless and stupid. Now people can grow out of these faults. Not everyone does, but it's not impossible.
Question is, do you love or want this guy enough to wait and see if this will happen? Whatever the answer is, you have to prioritise your baby and your recovery. If that doesn't work for him, tough. Oh, and don't put up with a sulky manchild.