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AIBU?

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Original poster

Man advice please 🙏🏻

31 replies

Imowningup · 23/12/2025 18:22

Background- I’m 42, 2 DC, been divorced for almost 2 years.

Met a lovely, lovely man. 46, he’s been divorced for 10 years and has 3 older DC (22, 18’& 15). I can’t stress how well we get on- shared values, similar communication style, he’s attentive, messages multiple times a day, is thoughtful, goes out of his way to show me he cares, can show vulnerability and has always shared his DC 50:50 which is a non negotiable for me (if a man has children). On top of that there is a strong physical connection. Too good to be true?

My issue- and I’m completely open to being told I need to get a grip- he has a very close relationship with his ex-wife. VERY close. They divorced due to her having an affair. They see each other multiple times a week, he regularly carries out DIY, they have family meals, socialise together etc. Aside from his kids, her name is the name he mentions most. He has been very upfront and said previous GFs found this an issue and it has caused problems before.

Im stuck between a) acknowledging that if he’s a good father, emotionally intelligent etc then it stands to reason he’ll have a good relationship with her and b) wanting to protect myself in case

There are no other red flags. I think he’s wonderful and absolutely know I am falling in love but I’m also not wanting to sleepwalk into a minefield.

Any suggestions as to how I can bring this up and explain my feelings in a kind but constructive way?

OP posts:
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GooseberryGreen · 23/12/2025 20:55

It just doesn't sound like there is much room in his life for you. I mean he has regular meals with her, sees her frequently, is round at her place doing DIY, and going on family holidays
I am too selfish to put up with scraps so it would be a no from me.

NotAnotherScarf · 23/12/2025 20:48

As a man I'd say no. Why would you stay close with someone who cheated? We're the other relationships an attempt to show her he is still attractive? Was there ever a conflict of interest between what the current girlfriend wanted and the ex wife and who won?
If he was planning to do something for his ex and you asked him suddenly to do something for you, which would be pick?

He just sounds way way too close like if she said let's get back together he would like a shot. I don't know of any man who has stayed around a woman without some sort of romantic relationship for any length of time without wanting such a relationship...I give you "when Harry met Sally" as evidence

TwoTuesday · 23/12/2025 20:18

If you don't like it that's perfectly reasonable. They are still acting like they are married in many ways and it would be easy for them to rekindle a relationship. You can co parent without this level of closeness, especially after 10 years. It is odd for his ex as well, hasn't she moved on at all? Is this his way of keeping tabs on her?

Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 20:08

Mosaic80 · 23/12/2025 20:02

I think I’d start a conversation with basically what you said above “This is a new dynamic for me. How do you see me fitting in to your life? What do you see your future ideally looking like?”. Maybe also ask questions about his past relationships and what they were like practically and what specifically was a problem for those women. It’s easy for him to say past GFs had an issue with his friendly relationship with his ex but if the issue was actually “we were midway through a romantic weekend getaway and my ex asked me to drive 3 hours to fix a dripping tap so I did” is another matter! I think a gentle but curious approach is needed to get what the full picture is here.

Those questions should tease out what he sees the future looking like and you can then think about whether that works for you. Or you can see if you can accept a more casual scenario (from what you’ve said though, I don’t think that will work for you with him).

Your questions are just what I'm looking for. He actually asks me similar questions fairly regularly, have quite deep conversations. I think I'll lead with your suggestions. Thank you for such a reasoned relpy!

On a side note the previous long term relationship ended due to him finding our the GF had an unhealthy gambling habit she had hidden.

You are right- I'm not looking for casual.

OP posts:
GoneWoman · 23/12/2025 20:08

Imowningup · 23/12/2025 19:49

Since Oct so very early days.

Show quote history

Early enough to chuck this one back in the pond
I really couldn't be bothered with all of the second guessing

Mosaic80 · 23/12/2025 20:02

I think I’d start a conversation with basically what you said above “This is a new dynamic for me. How do you see me fitting in to your life? What do you see your future ideally looking like?”. Maybe also ask questions about his past relationships and what they were like practically and what specifically was a problem for those women. It’s easy for him to say past GFs had an issue with his friendly relationship with his ex but if the issue was actually “we were midway through a romantic weekend getaway and my ex asked me to drive 3 hours to fix a dripping tap so I did” is another matter! I think a gentle but curious approach is needed to get what the full picture is here.

Those questions should tease out what he sees the future looking like and you can then think about whether that works for you. Or you can see if you can accept a more casual scenario (from what you’ve said though, I don’t think that will work for you with him).

Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 20:00

greenwithglee · 23/12/2025 19:55

I think you are taking a bit of a Goldilocks approach. You want a man who has his kids 50:50 and a good co-parenting relationship. You've found one, and then you are complaining they are too close.

I think it is fine to not want him to have so much contact with his ex- but you need to then accept that his is not likely to have such a healthy relationship with his kids.

I'm well aware of this and that's what I'm trying to untangle. He's got an excellent, fully involved relationship with this children and. I know he has this because the co-parent well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 19:58

WeevilIntent · 23/12/2025 19:38

I get on very well with my ex. We split amicably, I’m now friends with his wife, he’s friends with my DH, we can all spend time together, and our shared child sees us all getting along. We were both clear with new partners that we had a good, friendly co-parenting relationship and that this was important to us. But we were only able to get to the stage we’re at now because we didn’t socialise, weren’t seeing each other multiple times a week, didn’t have meals together, definitely didn’t go on family holidays with each other, and we only talked over messages when it was about our daughter.

What you’re describing seems way too much, and after 10 years this dynamic is firmly embedded. I’d be worried about how she’d handle him redirecting some of his attention or availability if your relationship became more serious - or if he’d choose to prioritise you as his primary relationship at all. Can you imagine him being happy for you to be part of this arrangement at some point, or does it seem more like he’ll be wanting to continue exactly as he is now?

You summed it up pefectly. I think I'm comparing to my co-parenting relationship to, we get on well, can share meals as a family etc but our common ground is the children. I know it's not right to compare but it's also hard not to.

OP posts:
greenwithglee · 23/12/2025 19:55

I think you are taking a bit of a Goldilocks approach. You want a man who has his kids 50:50 and a good co-parenting relationship. You've found one, and then you are complaining they are too close.

I think it is fine to not want him to have so much contact with his ex- but you need to then accept that his is not likely to have such a healthy relationship with his kids.

Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 19:53

WrylyAmused · 23/12/2025 19:09

I think the advice at the end is sound, but to me, being able to spend time with someone who hurt him in the past is actually far more likely to mean that he's fully over it with no residual feelings. Healthy processing of past emotions and then moving on with his life in a healthy way for his kids.

So what I'd be concerned with is how much space he had for me in his life and how it might work for us in future, not that I felt threatened or unnerved by him being mature about the post-marital relationship with his ex wife.

Show quote history

This is exactly it! I"m not sure how I'd fit in and /i think that's what I need to ask without coming across as threatened. I'm not threatened as he is exceptionally open and the closest thing to perfect. I'm just aware that this is a new dynamic for me and I'm not sure how I will feel going forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 19:49

GoneWoman · 23/12/2025 19:01

How long have you been seeing him OP?

Since Oct so very early days.

OP posts:
WeevilIntent · 23/12/2025 19:38

I get on very well with my ex. We split amicably, I’m now friends with his wife, he’s friends with my DH, we can all spend time together, and our shared child sees us all getting along. We were both clear with new partners that we had a good, friendly co-parenting relationship and that this was important to us. But we were only able to get to the stage we’re at now because we didn’t socialise, weren’t seeing each other multiple times a week, didn’t have meals together, definitely didn’t go on family holidays with each other, and we only talked over messages when it was about our daughter.

What you’re describing seems way too much, and after 10 years this dynamic is firmly embedded. I’d be worried about how she’d handle him redirecting some of his attention or availability if your relationship became more serious - or if he’d choose to prioritise you as his primary relationship at all. Can you imagine him being happy for you to be part of this arrangement at some point, or does it seem more like he’ll be wanting to continue exactly as he is now?

GoneWoman · 23/12/2025 19:15

ElizabethVonArnim · 23/12/2025 19:10

The thing is that all the time he and his ExW spend together with their children will be considered by those children as ‘family time’ and if you object and he agrees to make changes, his children may be hurt or hostile because they don’t like the changes. It’s a tough situation because it sounds like it bothers you, but even a solution that favours you has the potential to blow up in your face, so you have a bit of thinking to do. One thing that I have really found about being in my forties is that I am less bothered about what ‘should’ be happening, so do a bit of thinking about what really bothers you and what doesn’t. I do think that sometimes we can be too quick to throw people away over things that might bother us less than we think, but equally, if it does bother you and you don’t get a proper conversation about it and a solution you can both live with, you don’t have to put up with it.

How’s that for a bit of fence-sitting?

Got splinters there Elizabeth? 🤣🤣

ElizabethVonArnim · 23/12/2025 19:10

The thing is that all the time he and his ExW spend together with their children will be considered by those children as ‘family time’ and if you object and he agrees to make changes, his children may be hurt or hostile because they don’t like the changes. It’s a tough situation because it sounds like it bothers you, but even a solution that favours you has the potential to blow up in your face, so you have a bit of thinking to do. One thing that I have really found about being in my forties is that I am less bothered about what ‘should’ be happening, so do a bit of thinking about what really bothers you and what doesn’t. I do think that sometimes we can be too quick to throw people away over things that might bother us less than we think, but equally, if it does bother you and you don’t get a proper conversation about it and a solution you can both live with, you don’t have to put up with it.

How’s that for a bit of fence-sitting?

WrylyAmused · 23/12/2025 19:09

MrsLizzieDarcy · 23/12/2025 18:42

He's clearly superhuman if he can spend that much time around someone who hurt him that badly. Or he's still got feelings... I think I'd be a bit cautious here OP, and tell him outright that you're a little guarded because of their closeness. Because it sounds like if you had a row, she'd be the one he runs to.

I think the advice at the end is sound, but to me, being able to spend time with someone who hurt him in the past is actually far more likely to mean that he's fully over it with no residual feelings. Healthy processing of past emotions and then moving on with his life in a healthy way for his kids.

So what I'd be concerned with is how much space he had for me in his life and how it might work for us in future, not that I felt threatened or unnerved by him being mature about the post-marital relationship with his ex wife.

GoneWoman · 23/12/2025 19:01

How long have you been seeing him OP?

amylou8 · 23/12/2025 18:59

Tricky one. I think for me it would depend on how exclusive this friendship is. If he's going round playing happy families, having one on one night's out, then absolutely not. If they're genuinely just mates, and she's happy for you to join the party, so to speak, then I could probably cautiously live with it.

GoneWoman · 23/12/2025 18:55

Imowningup · 23/12/2025 18:52

The ended due to unrelated factors. He was broken hearted about one of them in particular.

Show quote history

You only have his version of events though
Maybe his then partner was fed up with his arrangements with his Ex Wife

Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 18:54

GoneWoman · 23/12/2025 18:51

It all boils down to what you're actually prepared to put up with going forward

If there's unease now then can you really see it improving?

He's not had 2 long term relationships end for nothing has he

You’re right about the unease though. Just trying to establish if I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 18:52

GoneWoman · 23/12/2025 18:51

It all boils down to what you're actually prepared to put up with going forward

If there's unease now then can you really see it improving?

He's not had 2 long term relationships end for nothing has he

The ended due to unrelated factors. He was broken hearted about one of them in particular.

OP posts:
GoneWoman · 23/12/2025 18:51

It all boils down to what you're actually prepared to put up with going forward

If there's unease now then can you really see it improving?

He's not had 2 long term relationships end for nothing has he

Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 18:50

MrsLizzieDarcy · 23/12/2025 18:42

He's clearly superhuman if he can spend that much time around someone who hurt him that badly. Or he's still got feelings... I think I'd be a bit cautious here OP, and tell him outright that you're a little guarded because of their closeness. Because it sounds like if you had a row, she'd be the one he runs to.

I think I do just have to be upfront.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 18:49

chickenfucker · 23/12/2025 18:46

What are your feelings OP? Are you afraid he's still in love with her? It sounds more like they have a good relationship that he would expect to continue. It seems he puts this before forming new relationships but I don't think this is a red flag in itself as he has three children to think about too.

I guess this is what I’m trying to work out.
im not sure if i feel cautious because its not the norm rather than because I don’t trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imowningup · 23/12/2025 18:48

To a some questions.

yes, she’s been single for a lot of that time.
he’s was broken hearted after the affair.
he’s had 2 long term girlfriends since and was equally brokenhearted when the last one ended (not related to his relationship with Ex W but it had been brought up previously).

I’m really torn. He has and still does therapy and is very, very open. I think I was to discuss it with him but rather than just jump ship but don’t know how to bring it up. They have even had family holidays 🙈

OP posts:
chickenfucker · 23/12/2025 18:46

What are your feelings OP? Are you afraid he's still in love with her? It sounds more like they have a good relationship that he would expect to continue. It seems he puts this before forming new relationships but I don't think this is a red flag in itself as he has three children to think about too.