To be thinking something so awful?

It is a valid feeling.. but that doesn't mean he should take it out on you two.. he sounds vile to be honest, I could never respect a person who treated his family THAT ARE ACTUALLY THERE FOR HIM like second class citizens because his preferred people aren't there. He won't even eat a roast dinner if you cook it?Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

The other issue is, if they act like they don't want to be there on boxing day, has it ever occurred to you that they don't really want to be there? They come out of a sense of obligation, but it doesn't sound like they even enjoy it.. being there on Christmas day instead of boxing day is highly unlikely to change that to be honest, maybe they use their mum as a bit of an excuse but they actually prefer it the way it is?

You are blaming the wrong person for the misery of this situation, and thinking Christmas day with them would be amazing.. but it won't, it will be exactly the same as it is now, just on a different day.

@iamsoashamedofmyself your sisters need to call her bluff.
I did with my dm, once she realised I wouldn't put up with her manipulation she stopped threatening to take an od.

I think your father needs to be mature and stop making Christmas miserable for himself and everyone else. It is a choice to dwell on the negatives instead of enjoying the time he gets to spend with you, not to mention that everyone gathers on Boxing Day. Putting too much emphasis on the day is just stupid! His ex-wife may well be a horror, but he doesn't sound so great, either.

Your Dad can’t control his ex but he can control how he reacts to it. He is choosing to let her behaviour get to him so she succeeds in ruining Christmas for you every year.

He has a choice not to engage in her drama and be the safe and relaxing space for your elder siblings. He risks putting them in a position where it feels like whatever they do is wrong.

I’ve seen this dynamic play out in my family and all my Dad could do was let my older siblings know that he understood the pressure they were under and that he would never make them choose between parents. He knew his ex had MH issues and many years after they split and long after her subsequent marriage had ended, she did succumb to those problems. I think it really mattered to my older siblings that they knew that because they never had to choose, how things ended was nothing to do with them.

Your Dad needs to find a way to accept that what his older DC need is one calm, stable parent they can rely on. I understand why you are angry but this isn’t your fight.

What an overgrown child your father sounds like. I'm not blaming his daughters for choosing not to spend Christmas day with him if he's such a petulant sook. Mist families need to spread Christmas catch-ups over multiple days.

Can you stop going round at Christmas? It sounds like you’re wasting your time if your dad can’t bring himself to enjoy YOU as an individual. Do you have children? A partner/husband?

The first wife sounds like a blackmailing manipulator. Not much you can do about that.

But I don’t see why you can’t have a lovely Christmas celebration on Boxing Day or New Year or between the two. Christmas is just a day on the calendar - you can choose to shift it. Create your own tradition and stick to it, make it better.

Well, it’s fairly evident he doesn’t care about you, so why bother.

Let’s look at it this way. If your sisters decided tomorrow that they were going to spend Christmas with him and you for some reason couldn’t be there do you think he’d chuck their roast in the bin because you weren’t there? Be honest, and you know the answer.

The reason he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you isn’t because they’re not there, it’s because you’re not them. If you weren’t there and they were he would spend Christmas with them, but he still won’t spend it with you.

And this is the issue.

You’re not upset because your sisters won’t spend Christmas with their dad, you’re upset because you know you’re not good enough in his eyes. You’re second best to them.

Were you ever important to him growing up?

Was he ever a decent father to you?

The whole family sounds disfunctional tbh.

A mother who uses emotional blackmail to make her adult children spend time with her.

Grown women who are too spineless to stand up to her and say no, or alternatively maybe they actually prefer to spend time with her over him.

A father who clearly favours his older children over his youngest.

And all this has led to you feeling understandably inadequate. But because you’re not ready to face those truths and admit that your dad doesn’t care about you over his other children, you’re blaming everything on the ex wife.

I’m guessing the sisters don’t have much of a relationship with you either?

Jings a bit dramatic 1 you do not know how your saintly father treated there mother no matter what he says .2 did your sisters actually tell you there mother takes a strop if they suggest a different xmas ..3 every year your parents have you so don't know how she feels .no one hates another human being for 40 years for Nothing. 4 they clearly want to be there yes unfortunately for you they 3 forged a deep bond when your dad left them .

It’s not your nephews job to bring magic.

Magic is an adult job.

Youre allowing your father to ruin your holidays too.

this is all quite ridiculous

I was a child of divorce... Never spent Christmas with my dad and here is the key point I never WANTED too.

Christmas as a child was sacred to me, it was my favorite day of the year, just me and my mam and our traditions in our home where I was comfortable and relaxed. Why should that be ruined because someone else feels they should have been able to force me to join in theirs?

Its about what is best for the kid and honestly been sent back and forth at Christmas, having your routines all shuck up every other year, having days cut in half etc... with just so an adult can feel better about THEMSELVES is selfish.

My mam is dead now and she never forced me to do anything but she certainly would never force me to do something I actively DIDN'T want to do (and neither did the courts, the asked ME and let ME decide away from my parents). Blaming my mam was my dads go too aswell though, its frankly the cry of a deadbeat as it show a man who wants everything to be about him not his child.

Do Christmas eve then, FFS. And tell your dad to stop being such a fucking moan.
He had two separate families, this is the shit that happens. He should have got over himself decades ago and made a nice day for his second family. He's never bothered his arse to do so but you wish she was dead?

Pair of drama queens, you and your dad

Sounds like your dad is very selfish and self-absorbed, essentially sulking and ruining Christmas for everyone else because he doesn’t get his way. Plenty of parents don’t see their adult children at Christmas given their adult children will usually have in laws to consider too. If your DS in laws are separated that’s 4 sets of parents/grandparents who will want to spend Christmas with them, they can’t spend it with everyone! I suspect if they really wanted to see their dad they would make it happen.

Everybody involved in what seems to be a never ending saga over one day of the year seems to be rather melodramatic and immature to have not been able to reach some sort of workable compromise.

Your dad decided to make two families and this is what happens.

Blame him, not his ex.

She sounds unhinged. Yanbu. I'm sorry for your loss.

The only person ruining your father‘s Christmas is your father.

Honestly it sounds like two separate issues here.

1.The way your sisters mum behaves is awful and manipulative. They need to recognise that and make their own peace with this. Do they really want that kind of person looking after their children? However they need to recognise their own part in this. I could absolutely attend another “Christening Day” on the 26th and be enthusiastic and appreciative of someone hosting, not be hungover etc. I could (and do) monitor my children so they are not wholly overstimulated and stuffed in Christmas Day so they would still enjoy the next day.

2.I understand why your dad would miss his children and grandchildren on Christmas Day and may take some time to reflect on this, but to sulk the whole day, refuse a roast and refuse to go out. He is ruining his own day then. Plenty of people are forced to have Christmas away from loved ones and still manage to enjoy themselves. I’m sorry this has been your experience of Christmas.

It’s one bloody day for Christ’s sake. Who cares if if is 25th or 26th December. Your dad needs to grow up and stop being so dramatic. Sounds a real pain in the arse.

She sounds awful but your Dad doesn't sound very open to trying to make the most of what he has though.

I'd be having a conversation about all the possibilities to make it better next year. Some immediate ideas that came to my mind -

1. do your celebrations on Christmas Eve
2. stick with Boxing Day but come up with your own traditions, like always going to the pantomime together, going Ice-skating or to a Stately Home Christmas lights, eating something else you all enjoy (Steak? Pizza party? Thai? Whatever. Most things are better than a ready meal roast!) Don't try to be a second best Christmas repeat, do something else.
3. get the family together for Thanksgiving each year instead for the traditional roast.
4. go on holiday over Christmas and celebrate a week later with the sisters so they're not hungover.

Tbh I can imagine loathing Christmas if I were your sisters - Christmas day manipulated by my Mum followed by Boxing day at Dad's being guilt tripped about it. Urghh. And surely their partners have parents who they'd like to see at Christmas too?!

Exactly!

I don’t see my parents or siblings on Xmas day - lots of people don’t.

The ex sounds awful but so does the dad.

I can’t imagine ever making everyone else’s Xmas miserable just because I can’t see someone until the next day.

Both the ex and the dad sound abusive.

How does OP’s mother feel? Because this man may not have his daughters under one roof but he does have a wife and daughter around now.
If I were the second wife I’d go elsewhere and book a nice hotel stay.
Lots of families face this. My DH has been divorced three decades his grown up kids go to their mum each year. He’s never had a Christmas Day with them.
Before we met he did lots of volunteering (that’s how we met!) and he’s never complained once. Yes it makes him sad now and again but he’s a pretty joyful soul and gets on with things.

Who told you she thought they would reunite; daddy?

The problematic thing seems to be your family Mum, Dad and you can't find a way to have a Happy Christmas day. The way you seem to think this gives your Dad a reason to jettison your celebrations is worrying - does he not value you and your Mum? It's a choice ...your Dad is choosing to ruin Christmas Day for 2 people who are with him.
Ask your siblings to please save some energy for Boxing Day and all would be well.
Creating a villain rather than being happy is strange ...control what you can ...which is yourselves

My unpopular opinion is that I think a lot of adults lack the ability to create their own Christmas routine, and insist on imposing themselves and their kids on elderly parents year after year. It’s nice to have traditions but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with spreading your wings, doing your own thing at Christmas, hell, even buying your own food and cooking it yourself and being the host. I know a lot of people in their 40’s who have grown kids but cannot do Christmas without reverting to acting like a teenager and having Mum and Dad take charge of it all.