To be thinking something so awful?

Haven’t read all the replies here but - while your dad’s first wife sounds OTT and unstable, maybe try to look at it from her side. Does she have a new partner? Did your Dad leave her for your Mum, or get together with her shortly afterwards?

If my DH and I divorced and he had a ‘new family’, close as the relationships between the siblings might be, I’d still feel quite sad if my kids then left me entirely alone on Xmas day? I think that’s understandable if that’s the situation. Surely it’s not that big a deal that your dad sees your sisters the next day?!

OP you’ve internalised your Dad’s resentment. In life even if we can’t change our situation we can always change our attitude towards it. He can’t control his exW but he can control how he reacts. Guaranteed even if you did get everyone together it wouldn’t be the ideal Christmas or cure all that you think it would be. That’s life.

Sure Oscar Wilde put it best when he said there are two tragedies in this life: the first is not getting what you want, the second is getting it… or in other words take the good & bad in the same hand.

It’s a day. Many would love to see relatives on Boxing Day but can’t for many reasons including that they have passed on, sadly including children. There are still lots of blessings. Your nephew was 3 last boxing day. He might be in great form. Your Dad still gets to see all his family over the festivities and I’d disagree it’s not the same. Why not invest your efforts into making Boxing Day the highlight?

+Imho. Your Dad really should have hidden his hurt and thoughts all these years as Christmas is not just about him and his first family. He should have put that completely to one side and given you and your Mum decades of happy Christmases regardless. That is the bottom line. Appreciate you’ll get defensive but if you’re going to be angry at the universe or people remember he could have reacted differently.

You all sounds as ridiculous as each other. Slitting your wrists and chucking roast dinners in the bin over…having to celebrate on Boxing Day? There are 12 days of Christmas.

There are some high maintenance drama queens on this site but this might be the maddest post I’ve read for a long time.

This post absolutely nails it. The best one on here.

I agree, some poor people don't get a wonderful day with family. My DH's boss lost his wife to cancer a few weeks ago, and will be grieving on Christmas day.

The OP and her dad really need to get some perspective here.

I'm surprised you even spend xmas day with your dad. He sounds thoroughly miserable, incredibly childish and totally self absorbed.

I'd leave him to his sulking if I were you - go and have a fab xmas with friends somewhere else.

Then have your Christmas two days later so the hangovers have cleared.

It's silly to sulk the way your dad is. It's not like he doesn't actually get to see his family. He even gets you all together the next day! He's ruining your Christmases with this martyr act. I'd be telling him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has.

And for your part, you're a grown woman, and all this obsessing over your dad's first wife is just weird. I'm sorry, but it is. All this "she hates me" and "I sometimes wish she was dead" stuff, and letting yourself get sucked into the drama. It's very teenage. Stop letting her live rent-free in your head!

I think all this "Christmas is ruined" and "my evil ex wife" stuff is just you regurgitating your dad's feelings, without even realising that's what's happening. Try to distance yourself. I'm sure you love him, but his problems are his problems, and his moods are his moods. They don't have to become yours. I know you feel sorry for him, but it sounds like he's not appreciating the lovely Christmas he does get, and all that you do for him.

I’ll be 44 in January. I moved out from my Mum and Dad’s aged 20. Ever since, and through a number of relationships, I have varied where I am and what I’m doing for Christmas Day: some years spent back home with the DPs, others with the respective In Laws, others spent at home with my other half and our dogs in just our ‘family’ unit, a couple of years hosting my DPs or my PILs.

But EVERY YEAR since 2002, for Boxing Day (one year of Covid being the exception), me, whoever my partner was over the years and for the past 15 years my DH, plus my 2 brothers (with their wives and subsequent children), have all got together at my Mum and Dad’s for a lovely family meal. I can give or take Christmas Day to be honest, especially when it’s just me and DH as it tends to just be a really lazy day, drinking too much Buck’s Fizz, but I love and look forward to our family Boxing Day all together.

All that to say, Christmas is what you make it. You and your Dad shouldn’t get hung up on the date on the calendar but should put your energy into making the best of the day that you do get with your sisters/daughters..

Only if you make it be over.

We have two Christmas Days (one with my family, one with his) and each is just as good and Christmassy as the other.

It doesn't have to be the most special day of the year. They could make Christmas Eve the most special day of the year in their family. Or boxing day. Lots of families split the holiday that way and they all managed to live with it without making everyone else miserable.

I don't think that's very nice really, the way your dad behaves. After all, he has his second wife and child...you. There are consequences to divorce unfortunately, but at least he still has a family to spend the day with. Lots of divorced parents and kids have to divide and conquer. He sees them boxing day.

It's not the same thing. Christmas and all the excitement is over on Boxing Day.

You know it's not simply about eating a roast dinner. It's the most special day of the year. OP's dad has missed out on his two eldest daughters opening their presents for decades and now the same thing is happening with his grandchild. It's really unfair.

It is just a day. You are being ridiculous. You see them boxing day! It is the same thing!

With respect, this is either a fake post, or you all have mental illnesses.

40 years of doomed christmases because your dads eldest children aren’t there? Yet you’re all adults? Batshit.

Has she had any help? Initially it seems your dad is the one who chose to break up the family, but it sounds like she has some serious mental health problems, and obviously we don't know how long she has had these, but to threaten to put herself in hospital? You say your sister relies on her for free childcare, but I would worry about leaving a child with someone who threatens this.

If your mum and dad have her phone number. Block it. Let her howl into that black hole.

Do something Christmas eve and tell your sisters to keep their mouths shut about the event.

He doesn’t see them at all? You said he sees them Boxing Day; 24 hours later.

Get over the dramatics and grow up. You’re an adult - move on.

It's not fair that all these years, the two eldest daughters haven't been alternating each year between parents. It's especially bad that it's still happening all these decades later, when a daughter has a child of her own.

Some pp have said that the daughters are old enough to go against this now, and I do agree, but equally I can imagine the ex guilting them into staying with the status quo, especially since Dad has always been without them on Xmas Day, so it's normalised.

Shocking that the ex has had every Xmas Day to herself with them for decades. It's a pity your dad didn't put his foot down about that when they were small children. These days a court order would put that right, but perhaps it was different a few decades ago.

OP, you are being horrible: remember Christmas is the time for giving.

Thallium sulphate may make a fine gift.

😄

Meh. I've got family members I wish were dead. I don't wring my hands about it. Your dad seems like a bit of a misery guts though.

As someone who grew up with an emotionally manipulative mother I honestly think everyone needs to grow up and chill out. Yes, it sucks that your sisters’ mother is a nightmare but it is what it is, they’ve made their choice (I do feel sorry for them to a degree- as I said, my mother was a nightmare and still is if given the opportunity) and your dad needs to make his peace with that, rather than all the guilt tripping and hand wringing. Instead of Boxing Day, do Christmas Eve or the weekend before Christmas or something. Change it up. But fgs stop feeling so sorry for yourselves.

The crux of the issue, in my opinion, is that choices have consequences. Your father and his first wife chose to divorce. The consequence of that is that family holidays look different than they used to. My husband's parents got divorced when he was little and they have done something similar; he spent Christmas Eve with his father and his father's family and he spent Christmas day with his mother and his mother's family. I'm sure it was difficult at first but everyone has gotten used to it and now that is the norm and the family.

Your father choosing to actively make everyone miserable at Christmas for 40 years is crazy work.

Why not have a Christmas Eve all together?

Your dad sounds like he’s ruined this for your and your mum for years and that is selfish. Yes his ex wife sounds very difficult and I’m sure he is sad not to see his kids on Christmas Day but bloody hell you’d think after so many years he’d reach a level of acceptance and try and enjoy the 25th for the sake of you and your mum. He’s a grown adult who has routinely ruined Christmas with his morose attitude.