To be thinking something so awful?

Did your dad leave his first wife for your mum? If so, it probably makes sense that she would be bitter.

Your dad is being ridiculous as well though. He still has Christmas Day with your mum and you and sees his other children and grandchild the next day. I'm not sure why he makes such a big deal of being sad. It sounds pretty childish to me.

Your dad seems to be the one spoiling xmas. He should grow up and not ruin xmas Day. As for having a pre cooked roast ,that is adding to misery for everyone.
Boxing Day can be just as fun. Can't think why everyone so tired. I love entertaining on Boxing Day. The pressure is off and people enjoy it. You have three problems. One his ex wife holding a grudge after so long. But your Dad obviously caused her great pain when he dumped her. Second your Dad is being childish and petty ruining your xmas Day by showing his misery. He needs to stop wallowing. And thirdly whoever is responsible for buying a precooked roast and making no effort to celebrate xmas Day ,is also at fault.

Who died and put the ex wife in charge - talk to your sisters and arrange it, if they are frightened of their Mum they may need some persuading, but I'm sure you can do it, just cut her out for one year.

Hands up, I have not read all of the replies and your responses so this may have been covered already. But I read quite a few and was just wondering why you never got in first and had everyone over for a big dinner and presents on Christmas Eve?? Then the ex-wife gets the tired cranky kid and slightly hungover adults ..? Genuine question.

Heartbreaking

This with bells on

Then don't tell her. She doesn't need to know everything your family is doing, and to be honest, maybe she shouldn't if her reaction is threats of suicide.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I've read all your comments and replies. I can understand how hard it has been on you and your Dad, but you seem to be making it worse for yourself by focusing on the negative and what isn't possible. How about you all concentrate on what IS possible and make it happen. Life doesn't have to be that hard. Or miserable. That's up to you.

Both your father and his ex wife are behaving abysmally. And encouraging each other's dreadful behaviour. If either of them stopped making such a fuss about this one day, the other would lose their power. Your dad could host on Christmas Eve. He could decide to stop being miserable on both Christmas Day and Boxing Day. He could be grateful he has a loving wife, three healthy daughters and a grandchild and that he gets to spend time with them all together.

I was really hoping the op would have a revelation that actually it’s shit of her dad to make Christmas miserable. My mum and dad only get 2 of their 5 dc here for Christmas because they are grown up and live overseas. Thats life. Neither of them would dream of not having a big celebratory Christmas with the two of us and if they wanted to cancel we’d have it without them because it’s just such pathetic and childish behaviour. I cannot believe your dad does this every year and treats you like this. COOK THE TURKEY. Nobody has died, and you are enough op. You may not be all 3 dc but that should not matter.

This has been going on for 40 years 😂

how old are you all? he hasn’t seen his daughters on Christmas Day for over 40 years? And has been playing the martyr and ruining Christmas for everyone for all that time

fucking hell

I can only assume that he was never there for them as children either, how old were they when he left them for your mum?

So your adult sisters give in to their mother's pathetic manipulation instead of telling her they have two parents and it's not all about her. Then your dad sits with a face on him all day even though he knows he has another child he's supposed to be happy for, who had nothing to do with the break up of his first marriage? Then you want the solution to be that the first wife just dies instead of everyone else getting a grip? You all sound like amazing craic.

Oh for goodness sake. It's just a day. It's not as if he never sees them . They aren't young children absolutely in a frenzy about opening their presents. Have a special meal on new year's Day.

Your dad sounds very childish tbh. You've suffered miserable Christmases your entire life because he's heartbroken his other kids aren't there? You're there! Surely he can enjoy Christmas with your mum and yourself. Why are you two not enough?!!!

Have you even read the thread?

What he wants is for his older daughters to come to his for Christmas day, but that's not happening (apparently).

So basically it is your sisters that are at fault for being easily manipulated. Erm ok then

It's unrealistic for a parent of adults some of whom have their own children to expect to spend Christmas with their 'children'. It might not have been unreasonable to have negotiated Christmas differently on divorce when the children were children. But that's gone now.

Ongoing moping about it for years will probably have affected your enjoyment of Christmas.

There are solutions - the obvious one is moving Boxing Day to 27th December so your sisters get a day 'off' between bits of family Christmas. There are twelve days of Christmas.

You have options too - though they're probably too unpalatable. You don't have to spend Christmas with your dad if he's going to spend the day being grumpy, you could go and see other friends / family.

To consider in say March- you could spend Christmas Day volunteering for eg. Crisis at Christmas

Your sisters could consider going on holiday over Christmas.

It's worth exploring the relationships section of here and looking for a thread making reference to stately homes / fear, obligation and guilt - this is the territory your sisters' mum is in and it may take your sisters some effort to break away from it. When they do it's going to be more likely they'll want to do Christmas at their own homes or with their partner's family (if any) than necessarily with your dad. You can have a knee jerk response that every time she threatens suicide you phone the police for a welfare check She'll soon stop making that kind of threat.

She sounds lonely and vulnerable and highly emotionally - probably why your other sisters go along with her plans.

When you think of the point of xmas it is about spending time together. Yes you dont get to do that on xmas day all together but that is just the situation. You are doing the next best thing which is doing it on boxing day as best you can. You are adapting around the situation. She wont be around forever. Just carry on as you are, I can understand the frustration but there is nothing you can do about it without causing someone misery - which would affect you all regardless.

There is no reason for all this to be so miserable. Your Dad has a lovely wife and daughter with whom he gets to spend Christmas Day and his other daughters and their families join them all for Boxing Day. Why can't you have 2 lovely days? If it is because your dad is miserable and he makes it miserable for you and your Mum, then he is being a shitty husband and father. Who the fuck would throw the roast away if you made one? If that is your Dad then I have no idea why you are defending him. It was his job to make this work and not take his disappointment out on the family he does get to see on Christmas. If he carries on like that I would be leaving him on his own (and it's not a redo unless you do it properly twice)!

He and your mum and now you have had years to figure out how to make this work. Why not do a different fancy dinner if you want to save the turkey for Boxing Day? If Boxing Day isn't great (too soon), how about 27th or even new years day? Or you could have the turkey on Christmas Day and do something different on Boxing Day. There are so many ways you could make this work better.

You can't make his ex into something else, you can only work on how her behaviour affects you or rather how you respond to it. Stop letting her spoil things. Make plans, have fun, enjoy. Jeez. A lot of people spend Christmas alone or aren't able to see their children over Christmas. You are so lucky to have each other.

Also curious as to when the BILs get to see their families?

She wouldn't take her own life, it is hysterical manipulative behaviour. Unfortunately no one has stood up to her all these years and they're too afraid and conditioned to do it now. The adult children should have dinner with their mum and then say they are going to see their dad and just do it. I guarantee she will survive.

Exactly. She sounds horrible, but so does he.

But yiu are all together in boxing day? Don’t let outside pressures - media, etc - make you think that you have to have a ‘perfect’ Xmas day or that anything else is second best. There’s far too much pressure on this one day - it’s a season . Enjoy your whole family Boxing Day and treasure them. Have a lovely Christmas 🤶

Your half sisters are grown ups and can decide not to go, and call their mothers bluff.

Honestly, to me you dad is at fault too. He knew when he split up from his first wife that things would be different. If he gets you all round on Boxing Day for a second Christmas then why is he making you all miserable on Christmas Day. I think you all need to adjust how you see it, especially your Dad.

Exactly this! My grans only daughter and best friend died in 1991 and she always says she'd give up all her future christmas' to have one more Christmas with her as a child. Really can't believe dad throws his toys out the pram because he sees his kids on boxing day 🙄

They are adults, it's clear they want to be with their mum.

Sorry, but your DF & his first wife both sound grim, sulking & manipulating & making their offspring. I'm amazed that you all haven't gone nc on both of them!