Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking something so awful?

437 replies

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:03

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

OP posts:
MoggetsCollar · 23/12/2025 18:18

So have your 'other' day on Christmas eve so everyone is still fresh. You are all being massive drama-llamas about this.

FeliciaFancybottom · 23/12/2025 18:18

I think your dad needs to get his head out of his arse and make an effort to enjoy the day as it is. It's really unfair on the rest of you if he's sat with a slapped arse face. Honestly, he's a grown up acting like a sulky child.

vanillalattes · 23/12/2025 18:18

Lots of parents don't see their kids on Christmas Day for all kinds of reasons - it sounds like your dad needs to get a bit of a grip, really.

falldowninabump · 23/12/2025 18:17

I think you have to look at this differently. When you have a split family like this, just have ‘Christmas day number 1’ and ‘Christmas day number 2’. We do this and we treat each day the same, whether it’s Christmas Day or Boxing Day, we open presents, have a lovely dinner and if anything it makes the whole holiday last longer. I actually feel fortunate that though all the people I love can’t be in the same room at the same time, we still get to celebrate in groups.

Wingedharpy · 23/12/2025 18:17

Dad (and you) need to shift your mindset.
How do you think folk who have to work on Christmas day manage?
They tend to have "their" Christmas day on another day when they're off and can get together with their family.
If he chooses to be maudlin because he gets to be with everyone on Friday, but not Thursday, he needs a boot up the bum.

TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 18:17

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:14

For what? There’s no point because it’s just not a celebration at all.

Show quote history

Well perhaps if you made more of an effort it'd make for a better day.

Is he really so selfish that he wouldn't cook a roast dinner with you, pop some champagne, open presents and actually celebrate?

grinchmcgrinchface · 23/12/2025 18:16

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:14

It’s just never the same. They’re always slightly hungover, my nephew is cranky, they never really want to be there. He’s spent the last 40 years without two of his children there. She wouldn’t be alone, she has plenty of people to spend it with.

Show quote history

they never really want to be there

are you sure the ex is making threats and them
not just saying that? Maybe they dont actually enjoy xmas with you guys?

nutbrownhare15 · 23/12/2025 18:16

Plenty of parents don't get to see their children on Christmas day due to family dynamics including one of my in-laws. There's no conflict there it's just how it works out and we see them another time. This sounds quite dramatic to say he's miserable when he gets to see them boxing day. Plenty of people don't get that either.

Frynye · 23/12/2025 18:16

Loads of families move Christmas Day, it’s not a bad thing to do. We are having out big family day on the 27th, as some siblings are working or seeing other relatives. Christmas is what and when you make it.

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:16

Tetchypants · 23/12/2025 18:14

I mean, it’s not very fair but it is how it is and your grown up sisters are happy with it.

It’s about the day not the date and you’re having the day on 26th. Kindly, your dad needs to get a grip and you need to encourage him.

But it feels like we don’t have the day. We don’t have the magic of seeing the little one all excited, we get the tired, grumpy kid who’s too full of chocolate and roast dinner to be happy, and the hungover sisters and brothers in law who would rather be at home. It just feels so unfair

OP posts:
JLou08 · 23/12/2025 18:15

Your dad needs to get a grip and appreciate the family he has around him instead of moping and making it miserable for them.

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:14

TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 18:14

So cook a fresh roast then 👀

Show quote history

For what? There’s no point because it’s just not a celebration at all.

OP posts:
Tetchypants · 23/12/2025 18:14

I mean, it’s not very fair but it is how it is and your grown up sisters are happy with it.

It’s about the day not the date and you’re having the day on 26th. Kindly, your dad needs to get a grip and you need to encourage him.

TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 18:14

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:10

Because my dad hates it. He doesn’t get to see his eldest daughters at all, and it’s clear to everyone that he’s not having fun. We have a small ready made roast and that’s it.

Show quote history

So cook a fresh roast then 👀

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:14

ginasevern · 23/12/2025 18:12

So the first wife would spend Christmas Day alone unless her children joined her? But your Dad has you and your mum to spend the day with? I think that's fair enough. Surely your Dad can suck up one day of the year under those circumstances. Seems a bit dramatic that it "breaks his heart", especially as you all spend Boxing Day together.

It’s just never the same. They’re always slightly hungover, my nephew is cranky, they never really want to be there. He’s spent the last 40 years without two of his children there. She wouldn’t be alone, she has plenty of people to spend it with.

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 23/12/2025 18:13

Well they’ve been divorced for decades but your dad and his ex wife are both ruining Christmas.
She is by throwing tantrums.
He is by being heartbroken.
Is your mum still around?
And do you have to have ready meals on the day?

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:13

justpassmethemouse · 23/12/2025 18:12

Do your sisters know how your dad feels?

Can they split Christmas Day so that they head to your dad’s at around 5pm for Christmas evening / sleep over for a second Christmas Day on Boxing Day?

Yes, he’s told them multiple times. If they did that, she would start making all sorts of threats.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:12

Talltreesbythelake · 23/12/2025 18:11

Are you very young? Because adults don't tend to have huge melodramatic feelings like this about eating a roast dinner. His daughters are all alive and healthy, they are all in contact with him. Really, he doesn't need to be crying into his gravy because he has to see some people on different days.

It’s not just eating a roast dinner though is it? It’s the whole day. By the time we get to see them the next day they’re all tired, my nephew is tired and cranky, we never get those core memories. She manipulates them so much that they feel backed into a corner.

OP posts:
justpassmethemouse · 23/12/2025 18:12

Do your sisters know how your dad feels?

Can they split Christmas Day so that they head to your dad’s at around 5pm for Christmas evening / sleep over for a second Christmas Day on Boxing Day?

Xmasdemon · 23/12/2025 18:12

YABU. Your dad has a new second family to spend Xmas with. She hasn't, and she shouldn't be alone

ginasevern · 23/12/2025 18:12

So the first wife would spend Christmas Day alone unless her children joined her? But your Dad has you and your mum to spend the day with? I think that's fair enough. Surely your Dad can suck up one day of the year under those circumstances. Seems a bit dramatic that it "breaks his heart", especially as you all spend Boxing Day together.

Only2daystogo · 23/12/2025 18:11

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:11

I know I’m vile and I don’t wish her dead in that I hope something happens to her. It’s more I wish she wasn’t here. Like she just didn’t exist. Despite having been divorced from my dad for nearly forty years she still finds ways to make his life miserable and i resent her so much for it.

Show quote history

Sounds like he is choosing to be miserable and make everyone else miserable.

Talltreesbythelake · 23/12/2025 18:11

Are you very young? Because adults don't tend to have huge melodramatic feelings like this about eating a roast dinner. His daughters are all alive and healthy, they are all in contact with him. Really, he doesn't need to be crying into his gravy because he has to see some people on different days.

TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 18:11

Why are you blaming the first wife because your dad's adult daughters are choosing not to spend Christmas with him?

And yes, that's some worryingly dark thoughts you're having about her.

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:11

grinchmcgrinchface · 23/12/2025 18:08

no reason why your sisters cant tell her no, and see your dad? Its not all on her - to wish her dead is vile.

I know I’m vile and I don’t wish her dead in that I hope something happens to her. It’s more I wish she wasn’t here. Like she just didn’t exist. Despite having been divorced from my dad for nearly forty years she still finds ways to make his life miserable and i resent her so much for it.

OP posts: