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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be thinking something so awful?

437 replies

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:03

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:24

TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 18:23

In that case I think he is the problem and your sisters are exaggerating the whole situation with their mum, because they don't want to waste their Xmas day with a man so selfish.

I mean they don't even want to drink a bit less booze so they don't turn up on Boxing Day with hangovers.

I'd let your dad wallow to be honest and go find someone else to spend the day with.

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You just hate men, you have no idea what my dad is like at all. This woman has threatened to slit her wrists so that she gets her own way, but my dad is the problem?!

OP posts:
vanillalattes · 23/12/2025 18:24

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:23

No, it’s not. He doesn’t treat me badly. He just wants all of his children under one roof for one Christmas Day.

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Of course he's treating you badly - he's in a foul mood and would chuck your home-cooked roast in the bin!

How is that doing anything but treating you badly?

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:24

justpassmethemouse · 23/12/2025 18:22

How old is the nephew? Plus, as each year passes he will be able to manage 2 days of celebration more and more, so he won’t be tired and cranky on the 26th forever.

This is how I grew up btw. I moved to the other parent’s house on Christmas Day evening to do a second Christmas on Boxing Day. Now I just consider Christmas to be a multi-day event, with the big day never actually being the best bit - too many expectations around what should happen, so the surrounding days feel more relaxed.

Can you start some Christmas Day traditions, e.g. takeaway/KFC like they do in Japan, more complicated board games that aren’t aimed at kids e.g. Trivial Pursuit, drinking game through Mrs Brown’s Boys 🤭

hes 4. By the time he can manage it he won’t believe in Father Christmas, so that’s another huge chunk of the magic gone. It just feels very unfair that she can make those threats and that’s that.

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 18:23

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:20

If I cooked a roast it would get binned, all he wants is to spend one Christmas with all his children together, like she gets to every year.

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In that case I think he is the problem and your sisters are exaggerating the whole situation with their mum, because they don't want to waste their Xmas day with a man so selfish.

I mean they don't even want to drink a bit less booze so they don't turn up on Boxing Day with hangovers.

I'd let your dad wallow to be honest and go find someone else to spend the day with.

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:23

vanillalattes · 23/12/2025 18:22

Yes, it is a slight on you. He's throwing a tantrum and treating you badly because of his mood.

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No, it’s not. He doesn’t treat me badly. He just wants all of his children under one roof for one Christmas Day.

OP posts:
grumpygrape · 23/12/2025 18:23

Have you thought about making a 'thing' of, say, New Year so everybody will be up for another big meal and you could have presents then ?

vanillalattes · 23/12/2025 18:22

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:22

Of course I’m not enough - I’ll never make up for two other children and a grandchild. But that’s not a slight on me.

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Yes, it is a slight on you. He's throwing a tantrum and treating you badly because of his mood.

Newyearawaits · 23/12/2025 18:22

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:14

For what? There’s no point because it’s just not a celebration at all.

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Stop
Stop
Stop

justpassmethemouse · 23/12/2025 18:22

How old is the nephew? Plus, as each year passes he will be able to manage 2 days of celebration more and more, so he won’t be tired and cranky on the 26th forever.

This is how I grew up btw. I moved to the other parent’s house on Christmas Day evening to do a second Christmas on Boxing Day. Now I just consider Christmas to be a multi-day event, with the big day never actually being the best bit - too many expectations around what should happen, so the surrounding days feel more relaxed.

Can you start some Christmas Day traditions, e.g. takeaway/KFC like they do in Japan, more complicated board games that aren’t aimed at kids e.g. Trivial Pursuit, drinking game through Mrs Brown’s Boys 🤭

Tigerbalmshark · 23/12/2025 18:22

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:11

I know I’m vile and I don’t wish her dead in that I hope something happens to her. It’s more I wish she wasn’t here. Like she just didn’t exist. Despite having been divorced from my dad for nearly forty years she still finds ways to make his life miserable and i resent her so much for it.

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So these sisters are in their 40s/50s?

Honestly your dad sounds as passive aggressive as his first wife. Perfectly normal not to spend every Christmas Day with your adult children.

FurForksSake · 23/12/2025 18:22

Christmas isn’t just Christmas for 24 hours. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day can and are just as special for lots of families. I’ll be having my big Christmas tomorrow, always have done due to divorced families.

I think you need to reframe it and stop putting so much emotion and pressure on one magical date.

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:22

Underthewychwoodtree · 23/12/2025 18:21

Be honest with yourself OP, is your dad's disappointment making you feel like second best? Like you are not enough to make him happy on Christmas day.

It would be perfectly natural for you to feel and internalise this but it's not on you or your sisters to make a grown man feel grateful for what he has.

Honestly I'm judging your dad's attitude more than his ex wife's to be honest. He is the one spoiling it rather than being pragmatic and making his youngest daughter feel she is enough.

Of course I’m not enough - I’ll never make up for two other children and a grandchild. But that’s not a slight on me.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 23/12/2025 18:21

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:20

If I cooked a roast it would get binned, all he wants is to spend one Christmas with all his children together, like she gets to every year.

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He sounds petulant.

Flowerslamp · 23/12/2025 18:21

Are you sure your dad is this heartbroken about it?

He's getting a family occasion with everyone there. There are loads of reasons people don't get to celebrate on 25th.

This is on your sisters, not their mother now, but if their mother would be alone otherwise, and your father has a new family, I can see why they'd choose their mum.

Underthewychwoodtree · 23/12/2025 18:21

Be honest with yourself OP, is your dad's disappointment making you feel like second best? Like you are not enough to make him happy on Christmas day.

It would be perfectly natural for you to feel and internalise this but it's not on you or your sisters to make a grown man feel grateful for what he has.

Honestly I'm judging your dad's attitude more than his ex wife's to be honest. He is the one spoiling it rather than being pragmatic and making his youngest daughter feel she is enough.

vanillalattes · 23/12/2025 18:21

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:20

If I cooked a roast it would get binned, all he wants is to spend one Christmas with all his children together, like she gets to every year.

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Really? He doesn't sound very nice.

ginasevern · 23/12/2025 18:21

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:14

It’s just never the same. They’re always slightly hungover, my nephew is cranky, they never really want to be there. He’s spent the last 40 years without two of his children there. She wouldn’t be alone, she has plenty of people to spend it with.

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So they "never really want to be there" on Boxing Day? I assume they don't really want to be there on Christmas Day either in that case! If they were that excited to spend time with their Dad they wouldn't be hungover either would they? As for his first wife having plenty of other people to spend the day with - plenty of other people is not the same as your own children. In fact in your own words "it's not the same is it"? Your Dad sounds like a typical bloke making it all about him and his bloody heart break. Your mother must be a saint for putting up with this sulking shit every Christmas Day. Tell him to get over himself,.

vanillalattes · 23/12/2025 18:20

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:19

But we don’t have either. We have Wednesday and then hungover family day and it just really aggravates me. I’ve seen first hand the type of things that she’s said when it’s been suggested that it’s reversed (Christmas at ours and Boxing Day with her), ranging from “well you’ll never see me again” to threatening to take her own life.

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She sounds mentally unwell.

But your dad needs to get a bloody grip himself. I'd be really offended if I was in your shoes and he couldn't sort his attitude out for one day.

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:20

TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 18:17

Well perhaps if you made more of an effort it'd make for a better day.

Is he really so selfish that he wouldn't cook a roast dinner with you, pop some champagne, open presents and actually celebrate?

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If I cooked a roast it would get binned, all he wants is to spend one Christmas with all his children together, like she gets to every year.

OP posts:
Newyearawaits · 23/12/2025 18:20

Celestialmoods · 23/12/2025 18:09

Why will your Christmas Day be horrendous?

This
You spend boxing day together as a family.
I think YABU OP and need to get a reality check.
There are very real reasons why people don't like Christmas. To describe your situation as Horrendous is completely ott

BillieWiper · 23/12/2025 18:20

Presumably his other daughters are adults who could choose to see their dad on Xmas day if they wished?

I don't think wishing death on people is a good idea just because there's a fall out and disagreement over one day of the year. I don't see why your dad doesn't enjoy Christmas ever?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/12/2025 18:20

iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:10

Because my dad hates it. He doesn’t get to see his eldest daughters at all, and it’s clear to everyone that he’s not having fun. We have a small ready made roast and that’s it.

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Well, that's on him. That is ridiculously indulgent. It sounds like he has cast a pall over your Christmas for as long as you can all remember, when he needed to get a grip and enjoy the day, and the re-do after.

TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 18:19

I'd be very insulted if my dad was miserable on Christmas day because I was the only daughter there.

Especially when he'll be seeing the other two the following day.

Original poster
iamsoashamedofmyself · 23/12/2025 18:19

falldowninabump · 23/12/2025 18:17

I think you have to look at this differently. When you have a split family like this, just have ‘Christmas day number 1’ and ‘Christmas day number 2’. We do this and we treat each day the same, whether it’s Christmas Day or Boxing Day, we open presents, have a lovely dinner and if anything it makes the whole holiday last longer. I actually feel fortunate that though all the people I love can’t be in the same room at the same time, we still get to celebrate in groups.

But we don’t have either. We have Wednesday and then hungover family day and it just really aggravates me. I’ve seen first hand the type of things that she’s said when it’s been suggested that it’s reversed (Christmas at ours and Boxing Day with her), ranging from “well you’ll never see me again” to threatening to take her own life.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 23/12/2025 18:19

Does the date day actually matter? If you do all the trimmings the next day then it’s fine no?

you are an adult you can manage this. Even a child could tbh.