To be thinking something so awful?

Your dad and his ex are both in the wrong and equally pathetic.

Your dad must realise she won’t change and he should enjoy whatever amount of christmases he has left with you and your mum. I would feel pretty shit if my dad acted this way. If Boxing Day isn’t good enough for him, change it to Christmas Eve.

The ex isn’t being fair I agree, is totally unhinged and will not change. But all 3 of you are in the wrong here. Your dad needs to learn to wise up and adapt. And you or your mum need to tell him to snap out of it. You need to realise in your own mind that you wishing someone passed away isn’t normal. And is more the result of how your dad’s actions make you feel than this woman’s actions.

You and your father are making your on misery! I feel sorry for your mum!

OP, this is really obsessive. All he wants, when he already has so much? Perhaps your Dad could access some counselling. What does your Mum make of it?

He won’t go out, it’s just a shit day all around. I hate it all

So, your dad has ruined every Christmas you've had?

That is manipulative and cruel. I would imagine your older sisters are very aware of this and don't really want to spend time with him over Christmas either.

Your sisters are adults now so they could choose to spend with your dad if they wanted to

Your dad’s ex wife is ridiculous and selfish but in turn, your dad has been just as bad and has ruined Christmas Day for his wife and third child, and now you’re ruining it for yourself too

Good God. Get over yourself. Both your parents could be dead like some of us

You all have some choice in this. Your step mum is clearly very unwell and the states she gets into must have had a terrible effect on her children's upbringing, but now like your Dad, you have choice. For a start, your Dad (and the rest of you) may not want to risk his ex going into some destructive spiral if she doesn't have her daughters with her on the 25th, but there doesn't have to be so much importance attached to seeing the three of you plus the grandchild on this particular day rather than any other. If boxing day doesn't work because everyone is Christmassed out, you could celebrate together on New Years Day instead, or the Sunday before Christmas for example. You are making the situation much worse than it needs to be, especially your Dad.

I think it’s understandable that your dad would be sad about the situation and there’s no doubt that she’s treating her DC badly. However at some point there’s an element of allowing the ex wife to cause misery. I think it could massively help if you switch up expectations and create your own magical Christmas traditions - a light show, pantomime etc in the run up, a visit to Santa with the nephew or whatever.

A friend of mine who is in his 60s and divorced from his DC’s mum has accepted that he will see his DC a few days (or even a week or two) before Christmas and have an amazing day with full Christmas dinner etc. it just works better for them all and means he always gets “Christmas” with his DC every year (but not on the day). He has sort of bowed out of the race to see the DCs to make it easier all round and has a quiet Christmas Day. I think he feels it’s even more Christmassy in the run up before everyone is a bit jaded and full up.

if you do the above then you could do something different on the actual day? An M&S buffet and Christmas films or something more relaxed. Then if your dad is a bit down on the day it’s not such a downer on everyone else as you’re just having a relaxed time. It’s shit that his ex manipulates everyone in this way especially for her Dc but that’s out of your control and the only thing your dad (and your mum and you) can do is work out how to be happy despite her rather dance to her tune and stay miserable.

It's usually the woman doing most of bringing up the family, and once they have separated she probably did the bulk of childcare for her daughter and now is looking after her grandchildren. Why on earth would she not get ot spend Christmas with them ?

Why would the roast get binned?

Surely you cook roasts throughout the year and they don’t get binned so why would the one on Xmas day get binned?

The ex sounds awful but your dad does not seem good either.

Your Xmas day is miserable because he makes it all about him and how disappointed he is at not seeing his other kids.
Whilst you’re there actually wanting to spend time with him and he’s rude and ungrateful.

The older ones do not want to spend time with him.
They don’t even want to be there for Boxing Day.

I’d be making this Xmas the last one I invited him to and just see him on Boxing Day instead.
The way he treats you is not ok OP.

If the issue is that they are a little over it on Boxing day, why not suggest celebrating on Christmas eve. In many latin countries (France, Italy, Belgium, …) the main celebration is on Christmas eve so it’s not even that unusual. Than the ex-wife gets the day after crankiness.

I get this. Also, what were the circumstances of your dad's separation from his first wife? If he left her and she feels that, had it been up to her, her family would still be intact, she probably feels it is reasonable to expect the children to prioritise her needs. If he left her for your mum, this feeling will be intensified.

No she wouldn't, it's all threats to get her own way, you said so yourself. Do it!!

Everyone is an adult now and able to choose what they do for Christmas. Regardless of what happened when you were all younger, you are very very unreasonable to continue to blame the first wife. And beyond disgusting to say that you wish she would die. (And if she did, do you actually think her daughters and grandchildren would be having a “good Christmas”?)

”You all can't change his ex wifes behaviour but you can change your own reactions to it”

This!

Time to cut the crap OP, you have three choices:

Have Christmas with your sisters on 24th or some other day that is not 25th or 26th

Tell your dad to stop wallowing or you’ll not be spending 25th with him at all, his mood is obviously bringing you down and it’s not fair in a 4 year old child.

Make both days equally fun and lovely instead of dwelling on it.

I wish you could have your sister at yours then you’d realise it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, you and your dad seem to believe Christmas Day is like the films, reality is very different especially with an ex involved.

I think you and your dad are frankly being childish about this. Both my family and my in laws live abroad (different countries) and we never spend Christmas with either. We do a re-do with my family all together often in Jan or shortly before NYE, and we have an absolute blast: less pressure than on Christmas, cheaper food and more options as we're not to tied by traditional stuff, ... I would say thay Boxingg Day is a pretty shit choice of day for a re-do as, as you say, everyone is filled up with the day before. Why not choose the weekend following so everyone has the chance to recover before doing it all again?
I find it bizarre that your dad decides to be miserable on Christmas day for 40 years because he's never had his way, rather than make it magical another day.

Honestly...all of the adults in this situation sound ridiculous...

The girls mum for her manipulation and threats

Your dad for allowing this to ruin Christmas, not only for him, but his wife and daughter every single year

The grown up daughters who get so pissed they are too hungover and grumpy to paste a smile on their faces and enjoy Christmas day number 2 with their dad the day after Christmas

You for allowing all of this to spoil your Christmas year after year

Christmas does not have to be celebrated on 25th December.

Stop enabling this misery fest because your sisters aren't there and either celebrate on a different day properly (maybe before Christmas so your sisters arent hungover) or go and do your own thing with friends and let your mum and dad wallow in his misery

You all can't change his ex wifes behaviour but you can change your own reactions to it

But you still haven't answered my questions! How does your mother feel about your father's miserable doings on on Christmas Day? Does it not hurt her feelings that your presence and hers does not suffice to make him happy? And if she throws herself into hosting, it sounds as if she's hosting others and it is not just a small gathering . . . .?

Your dad married her. Felt she was good enough to be the mother of his children. Sometimes we have to live with consequences of our life choices. But he’s decided that forever more Christmas Day is going to be this big toxic totem where she is painted as the devil and he’ll sit in sackcloth and ashes despite the fact that he has a new family he could have a happy day with. And worse, he is passing on the generational trauma to you.

You’re being very dramatic. It’s only a day.

Because that way, someone would be left without any of their kids. Your dad has you.

I feel very sorry for your sisters. You and your dad need to calm down a bit though. Yea it's sad that he can't see them Christmas day but come on, this is all a bit dramatic isn't it? Christmas day doesn't look the same for a lot of families post divorce. You and your dad can't change the situation, all you can change is your reaction to it.
Surely the important bit is the relationships as a whole and it sounds like you're all close otherwise?

But your sisters are adults now, right? So, its their decision who they spend xmas day with. We don't know the circumstances of the marriage breakdown with his ex. Maybe the bitterness & anger have never left her so this is her one victory?
Lots of people can't do xmas day (work for example) so surely the important part is that you do get a celebration together the following day?
Thats my take anyway!