To be thinking something so awful?

OP, whatever your feelings about your dad's first wife, has HE ever made your Christmas magical? Did he when you were little or was it always a crappy takeaway roast on the menu? Was making you happy EVER his priority or just his bitter feelings about the terrible ex-wife? What PPs are saying is that he should not make you bear those feelings of misery. He should have shielded you from them tirelessly regardless of his own unresolved grief. You deserve a nice Christmas with all the trimmings. No matter how much you love your dad, he is not more important than your own happiness.

This. You need to grow up OP. This was your dad’s choice when he left and set up a new family. You just need to deal with it.

I’ve just read that your dad would bin a Christmas dinner if you made it! What a selfish, selfish man.

I agree with others - your dad is the problem here. And I say that as someone who has a similar blended family set up and have had to deal with my sisters mum who is the most selfish person I’ve ever met.

Why is your dad letting her ruin his ( and other people’s) Christmas?
The situation is what it is and you could all have a wonderful Christmas but you’re dwelling on what could have been.
Sounds like a load of unnecessary drama and angst to me.

Have you ever asked yourself why they split up or what sort of dad he was to them as children or in the 10 years that he was divorced or the 5 he was with your mum before you were born?
You are what 25 now and your siblings are in their 40s thats a huge age gap and they will have decades of his selfish behaviour before you were born to judge him on his behaviour and honestly the way he treats you and your mum speaks volumes about what sort of man he is and how he treated your siblings. He's reaping what hes sown here I'm afraid. I suggest that you make other plans for Xmas from now on with people who love AND respect YOU

Agree whole heartedly with you.
OP’s Dad has his new family to spend Christmas with.. why should his first wife be alone at Christmas?

I have friends who do this and every other year the mother is alone and miserable on Christmas while her ex husband gets every single year with either his new family or his new family and his kids from first marriage… any decent father would be happy for his children to stay in their own house with their mum for Christmas Day and make the most of having another Christmas with them on Boxing Day!

He sounds selfish - sulking and ruining everyone else’s Christmas because he doesn’t get his own way!

Also these 2 older sisters are now adults… it’s so unreasonable to still be blaming the first wife and wishing her dead just to pacify a grown arse adult man!!…. Imagine being one of those daughters reading this!! I’d never speak to the OP again knowing she wished my mother dead! It’s not like first wife stopped him seeing them, they went their Boxing Day FFS!

also Salad for brains (or whatever your username is - you’re so wrong!…. While OFCOURSE a woman has control as to whether she keeps or aborts her unborn embryo (hopefully you don’t think men should have control over a woman’s body!!)… you are wrong about after baby is born… if a woman wants to give the baby up for adoption the bio father has every right to say no and raise the child himself! Why on Earth say that without actually knowing your facts?

Sorry but you have a dad problem not an ex wife problem.
If he'd bin a roast just because he doesn't get to have all of his dc on Xmas day and makes everyone else miserable with the atmosphere he is creating hes a big baby throwing his toys out of his pram

Sorry but this is between your dad and his daughters.
this is actually nothing to do with his first wife, his daughters are adults and could (if they wanted to) see their dad on Christmas Day…. It wouldn’t be fair to leave their mum alone either though, but one daughter could see her and the other see your dad, and the switch the following year!

I do think all getting together on Boving day should be enough though!

my mum and dad have seen me and my DD every christmas day… but they have NEVER spent Christmas Day with my sisters children, or my older brother and his children… my younger brother comes every Boxing Day.

It has little to do with his first wife, and more about families in general.

my exH doesn’t bother with our DD… he sent money but didn’t even call her on Christmas ! So I doubt he’ll ever get Christmas with his DD when she’s adult either… and doubt he’ll meet his grandchildren if she has children..

Your Dad needs to ask his grown DD’s if they’d spend Christmas Day with him, if they use the mother as an excuse then it is exactly that… cause… if they wanted to see him on Christmas Day they’d make it happen!

Clever. 🙄

What I actually am is a big believer is dealing with the situation in front of me.

The OP's father has no control over his ex-wife's behavior. He can only control his behavior. As such, he has chosen to wallow in self-pity to the point of ruining Christmas for the OP and his current wife, rather than accepting the situation for what it is and make the best of it. In 40 years, that behavior has not made the situation better. Maybe now it's time he tried something else. 🤷‍♀️

Which the mother of those two girls does every year yet you are not criticising her at all.

Oh you’re her

In this case, he has the opportunity to choose how he behaves around Christmas. He has chosen to behave badly.

You suggesting that a person not having different families suggests that a person has more control over having a family than any male in the UK has.

Once a woman is pregnant, a male has no say, no choice, no power nor influence on the woman’s decision about whether to have the child, abort the child, or give it up for fostering/adoption. A father has no opportunity to say ‘yes please’ or ‘no thank you’

It's not lacking compassion, it's just factual.

Why would a man with more than one family expect to have all of his DC with him on Xmas day?

That will always leave the Mother or Mothers alone or at least without their DC.

This is what happens when you have DC from different relationships and are not the primary care giver.

Don't have different families if you expect to be treated like the focus of their lives on holidays when you're not the primary care-giver and never have been.

Unnecessarily lacking any compassion.
Sometimes, even if it’s only one year out of four, with genuinely child-focussed behaviour by the parents and step-parents involved, it is possible.

It does take all of the adults to behave like grown-ups..

Having children by different women means you likely don't get to see all your children on Christmas day.

That's it.

I’m appalled at the number of contributors here who haven’t really understood the long term trauma that you and your parents have experienced at the hands of the manipulative person who is the mother of your sisters.

I had a sister who used all sorts of manipulations like this to keep our mother entirely to herself, using threats of self-harm and suicide, and ultimately, bullied and abused our mother into not seeing anyone in the family at all. Our mother was terrified of displeasing my sister because of the months of repurcussions that would follow if my mother was found to have even had a telephone call with me.

I really empathise with you and your parents, and your sisters who are likely doing their best to avoid confrontations with whatever condition their mother is enduring.

It’s an astonishingly difficult scenario.

I found and worked with a therapist for a few years who encouraged those ‘awful’ and ‘self-judged’ feelings we can have, he allowed me to express those feelings, encouraged their full horror, within the safety of the therapy room, and the validation it gave me was incredibly helpful.

You’re not mad or evil to want your blood family to have a reasonable share of shared Christmas Days together without abuse or interference from another branch of the family.

To everyone’s surprise my sister did suicide and the problems disappeared overnight. It may sound callous, but along with all of the other difficult emotions at her death, relief was a part of it.

I hope your Dad gets to have all of his children together one Christmas very soon.

NRTFT but sounds to me like you have a lot of resentment towards your dad's first wife (hence wishing her dead) and this whole sorry mess is more of a power struggle and control issue!

Hey OP , I just wanted to give you a bit of support as there's a lot of sanctimonious muppets on these Christmas forums giving people grief because they obviously have perfect families and perfect Christmases and don't see the other side of it. I get why you wish the ex wife would die, my mum was and still can be pretty narcissistic and mentally abusive since my dad died, suicide threats have always been fairly common and they was times when I wished she would just do it! Not because I'm vile but because it sets everyone free from they way she treats them at times and it sets her free!
I think the boxing day hangovers are quite telling because potentially your sisters feel they have to drink to get through a day with their mother! I sometimes have to have a drink to even call my mother!

Merry Christmas OP, I hope all goes well for you today and tomorrow ❤

Tbh from your posts I'm struggling to understand what Christmas Day looks like for you - in the one reference to your Mum you say she 'throws herself into hosting'. Is that on Boxing Day? Because from your previous posts it sounds like you, Mum and Dad are together and you have a ready meal today for some reason? Because apparently your Dad will bin any attempt at a Christmas dinner simply because his other two daughters and his grandchild aren't there to share it?

When you say that do you mean just his portion or he wouldn't want anyone to have Christmas dinner?

The ex does sound a nightmare but as I've heard in counselling so many times - you can't control her or her reaction, you can only control you. You can't even control your Dad who I think needs to snap out of it tbh. Many spend today alone (I am but by choice), there's no reason why he can't enjoy his day with you and his wife then just look forward to continuing the celebrations tomorrow?

Many have two Christmas' - you seem to be piling 100% of the blame onto ex but it sounds like Dad sulks whilst your sisters are turning up too hungover and not exactly bringing the 'Christmas magic' that you all seem to think will magically appear if they arrive on Christmas Day instead? If they're there out of duty rather than actually wanting to be there it will probably always be a little disappointing - particularly since your Dad seems to have placed such high importance on it!

Look I don't claim to know your Dad but it sounds to me that he has to be the victim. There's no reason you couldn't all go out somewhere nice today or try and make it as nice as possible but that wouldn't fit his victim narrative. If your sisters did one year decide to go to him he'd probably still be all melancholy making comments about 'oh I wish every year were like this, oh woe is me' rather than actually enjoying himself.

Your Christmas Day sounds unnecessarily miserable and I'd have a think about whether you and your Mum could actually have a nice day without him constantly ruining it because he's decided the two of you aren't good enough for whatever reason.

He's just as manipulative and unpleasant as the ex tbh.

I was just thinking if op’s comments are true I can see why the dad and first wife split up. Dad and first wife seem petty, vile and selfish and as you say, daughter seems to have the traits of her father. Instead of being grateful that they see each other on Boxing Day as a whole family, the focus on it not being Christmas Day. I feel sorry for the sisters (and OP’s mother), they either have a great Christmas with there mum getting pissed or a miserable on getting drunk to get through it, and then have to put up with a stroppy selfish father and half sister. If we’re them I’d dread Christmas.

There are lots of senarios where whole families don’t get together year on year or ever at Christmas, people in military deployed abroad, people who have family in Australia/different countries, illness.
OP is I think about 15 years at least younger than her siblings (her dad and mum married 10 years after divorce and 5 years of ivf, 40 years without daughters on Christmas) so a least 25, the age when some kids spend Christmas not with their own family but girlfriends/boyfriends family. So I wonder what would happen if OP got a partner and partner wanted to spend every other Christmas at their place with their family- that’s going to be an interesting scenario!

Oh dear, she sounds dramatic but both you and your dad sound terribly self pitying and need to pull yourselves together. It’s only a day and can be celebrated any day. Masses of people do split celebrations for any number of reasons and having worked in a pub last night I can assure you there is going to be A LOT of hangovers today too. You say your sisters don’t even want to be there on Boxing Day along with the ‘going missing’ on his birthday. Sounds like an excuse to leave. How would they discover her missing if they were busy with your dad? If it’s really that awful on the 26th then pick another day - 23/24/27. Moping around on 25 is ridiculous just because they have other plans

OP's dad sounds as manipulative and attention-seeking as his first wife. She threatens suicide if she had to spend Christmas Day without her daughters and OP's dad refuses to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day without his two elder daughters, to the extent that if OP and her mum cooked a proper Christmas dinner, he would throw it in the bin in a fit of pique.

OP wants her dad's first wife to die so that her dad can have all his children together on Christmas Day. It's all massively disfunctional.

OP's snippy and rude responses also show that the apple hasn't fallen very far from the tree.

Honestly, it sounds like he's a manipulative drama queen as well. Nobody needs this crap - but, if everyone continues to feel responsible for their parents' emotions, crap is what everyone will get.

Happy Christmas anyway!

I think the problem is your dad. He sounds ridiculously childish and self-centred.