Should he pay?

If he’s a staunch feminist and the woman he’s saying has an issue with it because she thinks men should pay by default presumably their values and views towards gender roles will be very different and so she’s not right for him anyway?

Agree. Most men in their 70’s on OLD are chasing women in their 50’s

This is a regular theme on here. Lots of regressive views about 'the man should always pay' and that if you don't insist on this as a woman you should 'raise your bar' - utterly old-fashioned nonsense at its finest. Splitting makes more sense because (a) why wouldn't you pay your share - it's called being an adult and (b) you may never meet again, so taking it in turns leads someone out of pocket. 50/50 isn't petty, it's maturity - paying your way in the world. Also I think dinner for a first date if you don't know someone from a bar of soap is a fairly bad idea - you might be stuck for three courses with the most crushing bore on the planet.

A coffee date (tea for me please, hate coffee!) is a good, informal, no-pressure way to ascertain if there is a connection. If there's a massive connection then by all means spend the rest of the day together and dinner too! But for a first date I think a café meet up is a better bet. Same with the cinema - why would you go and sit in the dark and silence for a couple of hours? That's not how you get to know someone - definitely not wise for a first date, unless you both really want to see the film I guess and plan on going on somewhere else afterwards.

Why would you need to know before a date? Why on earth would you leave your house ill-prepared?

He wouldn’t see me again if he asked to split it.

If he suggested the date, he chose the venue, he should pay, and then say, "You can get the bill next time." That way he indicates he wants to see her again, shows he isn't tight, and respects her financial equality.

Yes. That’s my point.

Your opinion of what makes a good first date is just that. Your opinion of whats best for you. It should not be applied to everybody.

Definitely he should NOT ask the waiter to split the bill.
Just get one bill, and then they agree who pays what between themselves, without involving the waiter.

So many people commenting on its fine/normal to split the bill on the first date. Of course it's fine, and it's totally normal but the couple in question are in their 70s. I know my mother would be offended if the man suggested the date and the restaurant and then told the waiter to split the bill in front of her.

As I said up front, she needs to know before the date. He may be a self declared feminist but is she?

Agreed. What if he wanted her to pay it all, not even half. Would that be OK?

No, he asked her out means he should pay. He picked the restaurant so he should pay.

I’m in my 50’s and I wouldn’t go on a second date if he didn’t offer to pay. If the date wasn’t going to be repeated after his offer to pay I would have insisted on splitting it.

If I knew I was going to see him again I would let him pay and say my turn next time.

People who think that, in 2025, men should pay (unless it's a situation where they've agreed they'll meet again and she will pay the next time) - why?!

And what should same sex couples do?

That's just your opinion, @JHound . Art gallery was just an example of something that would involve moving around. I could have suggested a museum or a park.
It would probably tell you more about the other person than eating a meal sitting down.

It’s weird that him wanting to split makes him
seem tight but a woman expecting the man to pay is not seen as tight.

That would make her the tight one.

I think this response nails it 😄

It’s odd to define what a first date should be. That’s for each couple to decide. A date walking around an art gallery would be monumentally stupid to me as I want to focus on the art and go at my own pace. Neither are possible with a date accompanying me.

So there is no “should”. Simply what a couple prefers.

I think one of the ideas around splitting is that many people are going on multiple dates with others and it would get expensive for the man if he always paid. Or the woman if she was so inclined. At 70+, how many other women will he be dating? I would have expected him to be going all out to impress if he really likes this lady.

I'm mid 50s and happy to alternate turns. I have absolutely no issue paying my way. But I do not like the pettiness of a 50/50 split on everything. It would signal to me that the man isn't that keen. I like to be generous with a partner so would want the same in return.

I completely agree and I’m exactly the same. Can’t imagine anything worse than being stuck over 3 course with a bloke who is boring the tits off me.

With coffee or drinks, I’ve had dates ranging from 20 minutes (and even that was too long) to 5 hours - it’s far easier to go with flow in less formal setting

This.

It’s none of your business?

@JHound, If you meet up in a more informal setting, you have things to talk about, and it's easier to get away if you don't click.

Cut and pasted but it sums it up:
"I’ve always declined a dinner on the first date. I just don’t want to be “stuck” for another 3 hours if I realize after 15 minutes that I’m not interested to get involved romantically with the other person. Wasting everyone’s time and money."
"Go for coffee instead. If it goes bad, I can leave after 30 minutes, if things goes fairly well then I can have a refill and stay longer or even go for a walk after, and if things goes really well then we can agree on a dinner the next time."

I think if he was a genuine feminist he’d understand that a woman his own age is unlikely to have been paid the same as a man throughout her working life and is likely to be less financially advantaged. I think splitting the bill is probably fine but feel the suggestion should come from the woman. Particularly for people in that generation. I’d feel differently if they were both 25.

Effectively, you’re meeting a complete stranger online, Even by the end of Date one you still don’t know them very well
Date two and three seems to cement the fact that there’s a spark and that you want to continue
But given the fact that you cannot get away from the fact that you are complete strangers where sex might be on the cards with somebody that I’ve known in unromantic terms and grown to like romantically by Date three or four
It most definitely shouldn’t be expected at that stage with a complete Randomer. And therefore, I apply the same rules that I wouldn’t accept them paying for my dinner either before that stage.