MIL refused our gift

My mum has become aggressive and rude with it, too.

On the face of it, she was extremely rude, but I suspect there is a lot more at play here.

I agree with this. She really sounds like she is not coping with all the change.

I'd be quite excited at the thought of a fresh basket of cheese, chutneys and crackers for myself as what else can you reasonably do?

It seems likely that she's not thinking especially clearly at this time in her life, though, with so much going on. You're right that it's not an excuse to be rude, but sometimes it's more about reasons than excuses imo.

Your MIL was rude but I can understand her frame of mind slightly. I moved home before Christmas once and had the sudden shock of realising just how much STUFF we had. As Christmas approached with a toddler and newborn I was just so upset and sometimes angry thinking about all the additional stuff we would end up with. I did manage to hide it from people but I was honestly so angry internally sometimes. My thinking got twisted and I convinced myself people were being selfish buying gifts so they felt good as the giver and poor old me was left with loads of new shite and tat.

if you normally had a nice relationship with her I’d say to give her some slack but tbf if she’s usually horrible maybe not. I was probably in the same headspace as your MiL back then but had the good grace to hide it and knew i was the one in the wrong.

She sounds like she is struggling a little bit with all the upheaval so maybe worth a bit of latitude.

The bonus is you now have an extra hamper of cheese to eat.

She was rude but likely stressed and struggling to get rid of her hoard the prospect of new things overwhelmed her.

So maybe theres a bit, she was rude and its reasonable to be upset but I dont think she meant to upset anyone. (Unless theres history of rudeness)

Usually I’m all for a kicking off MIL thread but moving in advanced years especially if reluctant can actually kill off some people so I would actually be a bit more understanding.

And two days before Christmas is the last time I want someone poking around in my fridge!
Is that because you're filling the fridge with Christmas things though? She probably wasn't doing that seeing as she's going away.

Ok, yes, she was really rude. But(!) she’s just moved from her home of 50 years which is one hell of an upheaval. Leaving the safety of those walls, where she brought up her family and all those memories….is she widowed?…that would add to the emotional upset. My Mum moved in similar circs - she is so kind the majority of the time but she went through a banshee stage at this time…

Don't be ridiculous. Do you often ring complete strangers to give them your opinion?

It's not 'things' that are going to clutter up the house though, it's edibles.

If she's trying to stop hoarding she won't want anything at all ever and its not a snub she was probably very embarrassed and is trying to get better to help everyone hoarding is very difficult to overcome if she's not rude about anything else I would just not take offence and try keep the lines of communication

Shes rude. There would be precisely zero effort going forward. I wouldn’t even reply to her messages

She sounds unwell.

Very rude and unkind but my MIL can be exactly like this when she is in one of her moods.
It is very hard but put it down to old age and that is the way she is.
On the plus side you get to enjoy the gift yourselves.
Your MIL isn't going to change, you have to change how you react to her, if she doesn't get a reaction she might stop being so ungrateful.

I often feel overwhelmed by gifts, not in a good way; most of them are things I wouldn't want to keep, wear or eat, and being given them means I need to make decisions about how to regift/donate them or throw them out (which is wasteful and which I hate), and how to avoid giving offense to the givers, many of whom I am fond of.

So while I don't think I've ever refused a gift, they often stress me out, and I am not an elderly person who has just had a traumatic house move.

I would try to frame it differently in your own mind: her refusing the gift is a sign of how unsettled and stressed she is. She just can no longer cope.

So on this occasion, I'd try to be understanding. Eat the cheese or regift it and try to forget it happened. Hopefully, as she settles into the new place she will settle onto more of an even keel.

(This is in the understanding that this is an isolated incident. If it's a pattern of behaviour by your MIL my advice might be slightly different).

I've been stressed and right at the end of my tether. I did not take this out on others. No adult should. These are people who have bent over backwards to help her during her move (which was presumably her idea).

She already moved so presumably she has already sorted her stuff and it's not a reason to be rude.

MIL can be very self centred, sometimes her requests are unreasonable and she doesn’t appreciate that we both work and don’t have time to drop everything every time she needs something, then guilt trips us.

yes, all together that would be more than enough to just ignore her from now.

Snapping at someone who's helping you constantly and tried to do something else? What's the world coming to if people think it's remotely acceptable.

No wonder people complain about feral children, rude adults and general unpleasantness. Standards need to get higher.

Yet if the MIL had given the OP a gift she didn't want, there would be posters telling her to refuse the gift.
Boundaries and not people pleasing are so popular on here but only when it's the op's boundaries apparently.
And by the way, nasty old woman is extremely offensive and rude.

Absolutely. People on MN have zero empathy.

This thread has actually made me feel quite sad.

The OP and her husband are not going through the same emotional stress . OK it’s a bit disappointing, but it’s not as if they’re 10 year olds. They’re adults who should have some sort of understanding

Seriously?? You wouldn’t bother with a relation just because they snapped at you when they were in the midst of sorting through piles of stuff which brought back painful memories?

Blimey. What is the world coming to.

She had already told them she didn't want ANY gifts by the time they told her this. She had already refused ANY gifts by this point.