Gone too far this evening - advice please

My parents got married in their 20s too.

My dad stopped drinking and smoking when he was 60.
Sixty years old.

I remember the horrible things he said to my mum that he thought I wouldn’t understand - he was right, but I had a memory, didn’t I?
He was awful to her, but she stuck with him.
I still remember those filthy words and my parents are both gone.

You need to think about your kids. What kind of effect is the drinking having on them??

This isn’t about you. This isn’t about him.
This isn’t about whether or not you love each other.

This is about - surprise! - your children, and how your husband’s drinking affects them.

And you and your husband need to think long and hard about that.
This won’t be about the two of you until the drinking is under control and the kids are okay.

Sending love ❤️

I would have a conversation once sober. Of course you've changed over 20 years, you should have changed, you've grown up and priorities do shift.
On the "fun" side of things - it sounds like hes having a bit of a midlife crisis and looking for the old things that brought him enjoyment (going out drinking whilst young). He needs to find some sort of hobby or some things he enjoys doing for an evening out that dont just involve drinking.

So sorry to read all this is happening for you. What a miserable time.

I would recommend that you try to segregate in your mind 'DH', the man you know he is and can be, the one capable of making you very happy, from the 'drinker' he has become. They are in essence two different men!

He needs to get to the nub of what makes him addiction prone, and if it's work, he needs to change his job.

He is clearly dependent on alcohol, and he will never be that good and stable man again until he gets help with alcohol (and possibly, he must also get help to reassess his depressive state and what causes it. It may be anxiety and stress rather than depression if it has a work cause. Thus, anti-deps may get him nowhere).

To some extent, arguing with him while he is in the grip of drink is pointless as you are not speaking to a rational man. Even if he is sober at times, he is an alcoholic who cannot see beyond alcohol just now. All his words and points of view come from needing and abusing alcohol.

I think you need to be cruel to be kind in this situation; ask him to leave the house until he has begun getting regular and sustained help with the drinking. He needs to live somewhere else. A man who is volatile in behaviour and is addictive cannot be around the kids.

Otherwise, you are the soft bed on which he falls whenever he wants to drink, and the only way to stop fighting with him over alcohol-fuelled topics is if he isn't present.

I would also say you need to speak to or write to his GP and make the GP aware that the anti-deps are being taken within an alcoholism context. This may bring a change to his prescription as he may not have been honest about how much or how often he drinks. While GPs cannot share info with you, it is perfectly reasonable to write a letter to his GP offering information in that letter. This does not breach their code of conduct or ethics since they are giving you nothing.

You mustn't feel bad about making him leave; he is unsafe to be around emotionally or physically while in this state of flux and addiction. Tell him you love him and have no intention to leave him but that he can only live with you when he can show evidence he's under a credible help programme and has been following it for at least six weeks.

He will throw back at you that he has agreed to counselling.

You need to stand firm and say that you need to see him in an active programme and committed to making progress before he returns since he isn't stable enough to be in the home with children present.

Just signing up for counselling is not enough as you previously made your boundary clear, and he has overstepped it. He must show he's attended it for X weeks and is making progress.

You can also validly agree that you have changed since being in your twenties! That is to be expected and is good; in our twenties, we have an undeveloped sense of self. Now, you know what is good and what is unhealthy. Your maturity helps you in life.

It would be very odd if you had not changed since you were half this age.

I was that alcoholic arsehole.
After 43 years of heavy drinking, I joined an online AA group in the USA - “Zoo Crew 22”.

It saved my life, I haven’t picked up a drink since and that was 627 days ago. But your husband has to do this himself, otherwise he will resent being forced to do it.

He agreed to seek help for drinking.
Make a list of local AA. For Christmas give him a lift to the door of an AA meeting.
Then it's all up to him.

He needs to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
Take him seriously at his word and support him.

You are right to identify alcohol as the main problem.

As you say there's nothing you can do. He's a problem drinker and has no intention of fixing that. You either want to live in the shadow of his drinking or you don't.

If you stay, know this - you handled it wrong. He was drunk and spoiling for a fight. You can't win in that situation. Your best bet is to leave him to it, remove yourself from his presence until he's no longer so full of alcohol. That's the only way to stay safe and avoid being the subject his nastiness is projected towards.

This probably means doing things like not trying to persuade him to go home earlier than he wants to avoid him getting angry and if he does get angry for some reason either taking yourself off to a hotel/friend's house or if the DC wouldn't be safe with him then going home and locking him out. It's a really shit situation that will see you tiptoeing on eggshells around him trying not to set him off, taking on more and more of the domestic load, watching your career falter and possibly eventually come to an end entirely due to being in an unfit state for work some days, experiencing your own mental and physical health decline with the stress and workload on your shoulders and a partner who you can't even talk to about it.

I wouldn't bother myself. It'll only end in him leaving you for someone who doesn't realise/doesn't care that he's an alcoholic and who doesn't have disabled DC to look after. Alcoholism and all it entails is abuse towards the family. It's likely to get worse as is his abuse towards you. It's his way of checking out of family life mentally and eventually he'll probably check out physically by leaving you. I'd spare myself that shit show, also of ending up a shell of yourself and with some kind of long term incurable health condition. Leave now. While you still have your health, your sense of identity and your sanity. If it means losing your job and becoming a full time carer then so be it. It's where you'll end up anyway (unless you can work and care as a single parent). It's just a question of how much shite you go through first before getting there.

I had an alcoholic ex and wish I'd got out when I'd known him a few months and my friends looked shocked when they asked if we'd like to share their taxi home and he told them he had the car outside. I had no idea of the alcohol limit for driving, my friend set me straight later when I asked. I was also young and naive and came from a bad family where the weight of the world had been placed on my shoulders. I believed it was my responsibility for keeping him from drink driving and I stayed with him a decade.

So I'll tell you this - you're not responsible for your husband in any way at all, ever. You can't fix this for him and don't have to try. You don't have to put up with a single piece of his nonsense or any abuse at all whatsoever, not even name calling. You can't have a relationship all by yourself, it takes two and from what you're saying he's already got one foot out the door.

It sounds like he hasn’t grown up, and wishes he could stay a binge drinking 20-something.

I lived with this for years and the situation eventually sorted itself out as the drinking prompted an affair. 20 years together too, which seems to be quite pivotal in relationships on Mumsnet. The peace of mind I have now in free of all of his shit is awesome and also - my insomnia resolved.

I couldn't live with this and tbh once you are menopausal neither will you be able to. I'd be making ultimatums come January re counselling and alcohol addiction help. But only do that if you are prepared to carry them out. It's about deciding what you can live with.

hard to advice when you dont say What happened?