Gone too far this evening - advice please

I work in recovery services and it’s utterly heartbreaking watching people/families tear themselves apart trying to “fix” someone who drinks too much.

You didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it. He needs to want support or it’s pointless.

I can recommend Annie the safe parent on Insta. She talks a lot of sense, but as a trigger warning, she does discuss suicide.

This made very uncomfortable reading for me as I know my DH could have written it about me at one point.

I no longer drink at all but it was a long process before I realised myself that I was allowing alcohol to cause major problems for me.

I'd give him an ultimatum. He needs to stop.

Alcoholism is an illness but it does not mean you have to care for anyone in its wake.
I am watching a family close to me in turmoil.
The alcoholic in question (who is also my friend) has been to private rehab this year which used every penny of the family’s money.
They walked out of rehab into a pub. They recently been to an NHS detox facility. Walked out straight into a pub.
My friend’s mum is elderly. My mate has had to leave their own family home and now a lady close to 90 is being terrorised with it all.
I have had alcoholism in my family it destroyed my mother’s young life.
The only way an alcoholic can recover is if they choose to, and then it’s a lifelong job.
OP here is already doing enough by working full time and looking after two kids, one with SEN.
Her husband is an alcoholic and chooses alcohol over her and those children.
I have every sympathy that it’s a disease. I am in recovery and have been now for a decade. But people enabling you and babysitting you is part of the problem. As long as you have the resources and care to keep on drinking/using/gambling you will keep doing it.
You stop caring how it affects others. It is a disease but it is a selfish, destructive act where only you and getting drunk/high matter.
Addicts will see their own kids go without food.
This man might not seem like one, yet. But if he has to drink and cannot stop at any given point, then he’s an alcoholic.
Even if someone does get sober, they often then replace the addiction with AA. Which is great. But then as a spouse/partner you almost have to lose them to AA. It’s a tough gig.
Nobody should have to provide care unless the addict makes a decision to care and sticks to it completely.

He needs to go to inpatient rehab and follow up with aa, I'd be giving him an ultimatum. It's horrible for you and your kids to live in this atmosphere. Christmas is often difficult for alcoholics . It's even more difficult for the people who live with them . You need support too

1000% this

we all tried , but in the end , it gets too much and our own happiness and mental health needs to be thought about

It's been almost a year since I left my ex with his alcohol issues. I too was labelled "boring" and was accused of changing etc. (No shit, we had a kid!).

I'm a lot busier but I feel physically lighter not carrying resentment with me, I have more energy and I'm in control of mine and my daughter's life. She won't grow up seeing alcohol abuse.

I don't say this lightly, but I would leave. I was with my ex for 11 years and I still have some sort of love towards him, we're still friends, but he was (still is) destroying his own life and health and was willing to take us down with him.

…Showing precisely the entitlement and lack of responsibility underpinning the mentality of an alcoholic.

OP do not set yourself and your children alight to keep an alcoholic warm.

You didn’t cause it, and you can’t cure it. If he had any interest in controlling his drinking he would make tha appointment- but he doesn’t, so he hasn’t. That’s the message being sent to you.

He gives up the booze and seeks treatment or he moves out.

In the meantime don’t go on nights out with him which involve any alcohol at all.

Only someone who has no direct experience of alcoholism or recovery would say this.

And would add, no point trying to engage or discuss anything with anyone who is drunk, especially if they are a problem drinker. They dont know what they are saying or why and its a total waste of your energy.

The biggest problem is that he doesn’t want to stop. Perhaps also he couldn’t if he tried; but he doesn’t want to.

He can’t even see how deeply wrong and unfair he is to accuse you of being “no fun” when you are the one carrying the whole family. He expects you to be the same as you were in your 20s? He’s either a fool or he is fooling himself. A drunken middle aged man is an embarrassment and a cause for concern. It’s not “a larf” any more.

Has he stopped to think what life would be like for your kids if you decided to go out drinking several nights a week and stopped holding the family together?

Of course you love the man you married and wish the alcohol problem could be taken out of the equation so you could have sight of what life would be like if he were sober. But it isn’t possible. And you can’t single-handedly save him from himself; he has to decide to do it. It’s not about you controlling his life. It’s about you finding a way to live the best life you can with your kids. And sadly that best life might not be possible with your dh .

So he picked an argument. Drinks too much and often does

You can choose to stay or leave

yes breaking up and divorcing is hard but you deserve to be happy

maybe read this thread

eventually enough is enough for us on it

drinkers sadly don’t change unless they want to and seems you dh doesn’t

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Read it again. And trying to guilt trip people who are asking for advice is not acceptable.

Agree

Sounds like he's nasty when drunk. (Adult child of an alcoholic here so recognize the signs). He's unlikely to change without giving up the booze as any resolution between you will be undone every time he drinks.
For me, I would need him to stop drinking or walk away.

OP doesn’t owe her partner a damn thing. What a misogynistic post. OP can’t make him seek treatment or influence his recovery - that’s the choice he has to make for himself. And ultimately, how he handles it will affect OP’s choice as to whether she stays to support him, or puts herself and her children first, and leaves.

Of course you've changed since you got together in your 20s, you are now a responsible parent with children, this is what happens when we grow up and he needs to as well. I had an ex like this and that is why he's an ex.

‘You’ve changed’ and ‘you’re boring’ are from a classic script from people with addictions.

It's true though, and something OP needs to think about. DH grew up in a very similar situation with his parents, and no matter how well they think they hid it from him he was aware of much more than they realised and it had a massive effect on him

and you gave no evidence whatsoever that she and her partner are “warring”. I’m sure she is very concerned about the impact on her children, and this type of comment is yet more guilt tripping.

Why do you work full time, also give the main care to your SEN child and also have the majority of the mental load and housework?

This. OP, your husband is an alcoholic, and a drink is his best friend. The addiction changes personalities, characters and people. It's the hardest legal drug still sold today with few limitations except being of a legal age

Ultimatums don't work. The only thing that works is your DH understanding he has an addiction problem, and needs to get help. Being treated as a depressive with the medication for depression is going to exacerbate the problem. He needs to be honest with his GP (which is the difficult part with alcoholics because they always try to hide the addiction) to get the right medication to help him deal with the worst of the withdrawal.

Most of all, he's an addict and until he understands he needs help, nothing you do will work.

Thinking of you.