Gone too far this evening - advice please

Just to add he has stopped the mixing meds just drinks beer but still gets pissed and he adamant he is fine , im.sorry your going through it , its very stressful and leaving is optional for sure but there's a whole life to think about its not easy just wished he would stop all together as in the day he is perfect

Im struggling too, im 37 he is 47 been together 15 years i raised his two kids with him (no mum she walked) , he has always drank of an evening since the day we met, was never an issue as such unless he drank whisky then he was horrid, I occasions 13 years ago he was verbally violent to me but I stayed and had been great since but since then I hate drinking with him never have dont like it incase he was to ever turn again even thou he hasn't untill this year, ..
He has always had me on a peddle stall great man in the day so helpful round the house to couldn't ask for better so helpful woth housework cooking the kids etc , he ticks all the boxes works so hard to but he drinking has got worse and is mixing with sleeping pills which makes him a mess and I cant stand to be near him, he doesn't touch a drop till our youngest (3) is in bed and then he switches off with a beer, great , thats acceptable but its the mixing with meds he is smashed and falling everywhere and is insulting when I ask what's happened to him, cant stand to be around him... anyways ... I put my foot down 2 month ago told him get help or im gone, he did, he did one coucilling session and a hypnotherapy session and went 3 weeks with nothing couldn't of been prouder, he has now drank for 5 days straight 6-8 beers a night and I cant stand it .. am I being a humbug as its Xmas season? I cant be around him soon as he starts slurring it jars me and im not feeling happy , then he asked if we can have sex and I dont want to he is not attractive to me , he snores terrible when drunk like most and the room stinks of stale beer every morning , I dont no what to do myself , he stayed in a hotel last week as he was so ashamed of his verbal behaviour towards me the night before he cried and left for the night... I didn't no weather to be angry that he left me to run the home and kids alone or to feel sorry him that he was sad alone,
Sorry for the essay ,think I needed to get this off my chest

Wise words

I hope you’re doing ok op. It’s a tough and complex situation but ultimately you have every right to a peaceful life - as do your children. If he can tackle his alcoholism that’s the only way you can go on. Big change needs to happen. All the best to you

It would be best if he moves out asap.
Giving up in January is a complete joke.
He's an abusive drinker and you are an abused woman.
He's a nasty alcoholic and god knows he doesn't share the load.
What is the point of him.
You cannot trust him not to ruin any night and he has a form.
He has a drink problem and you deserve so much better.

What will he be like tomorrow? Will be act sorry?

So my challenge back would be, why wait until January? The answer will be because it's Christmas and New Year - but that's not a reasonable excuse, because if he is saying he knows he needs to stop, then he should be stopping now. Holding off for the sake of a final blow-out over the festive period is just an unnecessary delay.

But it's an interesting insight into his mindset - because it says that he doesn't truly think he needs to stop, and he doesn't want to stop, so he won't. And what he's doing now is just saying words to get you to leave him alone and carry on putting up with things. Hence using Christmas and NY as an excuse. You'll get to January and then there will be more reasons - a bad time at work, or another excuse for why it's not a good time for him to do it now - so he needs to delay, delay, delay but don't worry because he'll do it soon. But soon in this case is the 12th of Never.

This. Leaving (or asking him to leave) is really the only way you can have control over this situation. Don’t hand the control to someone who is himself not in control.

There are only three possible outcomes here. He stops drinking altogether. You leave him. Or you spend the rest of your life dreading Christmas, birthdays, weddings, nights out, funerals, the celebrations and the rough patches.
The first is unlikely to happen without a firm ultimatum you may not want to deliver on, and he may call your bluff on. So really its the second or the third. From experience, I'd urge you to prepare for the second as the third will overshadow the rest of your life and spoil so much potential happiness.

I feel your pain and frustration OP. I married an alcoholic. Christmases ruined by the drinking ramping up. Treading on eggshells. The promises and let downs. The Jekyll and Hyde personalities. The nice side convinces us of change. The nasty side convinces us that change isn’t possible but still we hang in there forgiving and forgetting. One night it all came to a head. Now he hasn’t had a drink for nearly 24 years. He stopped because he realised if he didn’t he would lose us and if he lost us he’d be dead. It IS possible but they have to want to do it off their own bat xx

It's also a choice.

The excessive drinking isnt an issue its who hes choosing to be.

If hes still out drinking, and "talking" about help its who hes continuing to choose to be and apparently thats ok because youll go drinking with him until midnight. Which based on your OP was OKish until he said you werent fun?!?

YABU for engaging in his destructive behaviour whilst complaining about it.

@TicTac80 your post really resonated with me as someone who was also married to an alcoholic though not one as extreme as your XH.

But I totally recognise that cycle of hope and disappointment when another promise is broken and help given is thrown back in your face. And the way the shame and the sense of being in permacrisis eats away at your mental and physical health.

You cannot “help” an alcoholic. Revovery is an extremely long and hard road which many don’t succeed at. But the thing that is absolutely depends on is for it to be driven by the individual. Going along with someone else’s recovery plan is a fast road to relapse and resentment.

This.
@advent25 - imagine that the drinking is just not a problem. What is the marriage like then?
You seem to think that if it wasn't for the drink, it would all be fine.
It wouldn't.
He is still immature, or going through a mid-life crisis, blaming you for not being "fun" and saying you have changed, wishing you were both was 20 again.
Even without the drink, you would still have children with more difficulties than he can handle - and he is not actually doing much anyway.

The drink is a symptom of him being immature and selfish. He will still be that way even if he stops drinking.
Only you know if this is a phase he is going through, a temporary crisis, or if he is fundamentally selfish and childish and always has been.
I suspect the latter.

He is an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t take responsibility for anything, their behaviour, their aggression, their drinking, their overspending, the way they damage their partners and childrens lives.

As soon as you accept this @advent25 you will find that there is only one way for you to deal with your alcoholic and that is for you to take control of your life for your own sake and for your childrens sake. You are not responsible for his life and wellbeing. He has to sort that out for himself.

@DonutsWin and @ADHDdiagnosis , well done both of you for stopping and for your recovery. It is so heartening to see people who have got through this awful addiction. It's an amazing achievement that should be celebrated. The acknowledgment of the bad times and seeing people who have done something about it really mean the world to someone like me. x

The bottom line is that he loves alcohol more than he loves you.

(one with SEN - I am main carer). I also work full time and carry majority of mental load for household.

Forget about the drinking - I can’t get past this!

So you both work full time but yet you are the main carer for your DC AND you do the majority of the house stuff - why??

Without the alcohol part, I would have ended things a long time ago.

This relationship is completely unequal.
You might love him but he does not like or respect you.

I think the drinking is such a big focus that you (perhaps unintentionally) ignore all the other bad parts in your relationship.

I would say he should get help for his drinking etc but that wouldn’t fix all of the other problems and so I’m not sure I could be bothered fighting for this when he obviously isn’t bothered.

Me too. Well done for your days.

these Christmas threads fill me with guilt and shame because it’s very confronting to see the awful effect of the alcoholic on the rest of the family. That was me. Destroying lives around me.

I don’t have any advice op except to wish you well and tell you that unless the alcohol use stops then nothing else will work.

it was a Christmas when I went too far too. Deep shame. Traumatised children. I’ll never forgive myself. But I have never picked up another drink and I truly never believed I could go a day without drinking. It’s been 20 sober christmases since then.

sorry to anyone going through this.

You haven't been back, OP, and I am wondering if the talk of alcoholism is freaking you out.

I excused my exH's drinking for years and never saw it as alcoholism because it wasn't all the time, he held down a good job, didn't drink all day every day etc.

BUT when he drank on a night out he could never stop, he could never have just one & come home, same at family gatherings. He developed a high tolerance for alcohol so it took a while for the impact to be obvious on a night out and it was most obvious when he got home.

He wasn't a violent or unpleasant drunk but I hated it all the same. And he was unfaithful to me, no doubt due to drink on some occasions.

It took me a long time to properly accept that he had a serious problem with alcohol and that it figured highly and negatively in our lives. He was an alcoholic because he had an unhealthy & uncontrolled relationship with alcohol.

We ended due to the infidelity but had that not come fully to light I think drink would have ended it for us.

As I said previously, he has since worked on it and now doesn't drink at all. It was too late for us because of the infidelity issues but it's good for his children and he has a new relationship.

It's not too late for you. I hope your DH will act and use the widely available support to make changes.

Your husband has an alcohol abuse problem and his alcohol use is also interfering with his mental health treatment.

You can't do it for him. He has to recognize he's got a problem and seek treatment. But you don't have to stay. His main relationship is with alcohol and he's treating you badly.

Your kids have likely seen and heard more than you think. A lot of parents say their kids hear and see nothing but they're in denial as to how the substance abuse is affecting their kids.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and this will not be a good ride for them.

Do not, for one minute believe that your kids dont know what is going on.
Dont try to fool yourself... they will know... they always know.
For their sakes, if not your own, get out of this situation.

It's bog standard pisshead speak for 'You aren't centring me and my wish to be permanently pissed whilst waited on like an Emperor at the expense of everybody else, including vulnerable children'.

Maybe you’ve just grown apart? Maybe he is right in that sense, you find his alcoholism concerning and he’s totally blind to it. It’s okay, for that to be non-negotiable for you.