How often do you meet up with friends?

Thundertoast · 2025-12-22T17:38:55+00:00

Couple friends of ours are very sociable, will happily have socialising plans 6-8 times a week, mix of weekend and midweek. We are sociable but just less so! We need recharge time from work, due to our personalities/jobs. Average of 1-3 plans a week, id say. Mostly weekend. We love it when we have no plans and can have a day to ourselves doing something spontaneously, other couple have said things that lead me to believe they both feel a bit like its a 'wasted' day when that happens. We are happy with booking things months in advance, or 'free for coffee today' plans. Not fussy. Neither of us have kids, all of us have other friends/families/hobbies/pets that take up our time. Disposable income - ours is more tied up than theirs, so about twice a year we will have to say no to something because we already have it allocated to x social occasions coming up and will suggest a cheaper meetup. Myself and the woman of this couple are in a group chat with another friend which we all chat in probably... 3/4 days a week? All reply the same amount, show interest in other people's lives etc, nice and friendly. Meetup just the women probably 4-6 times a year. This couple do suggest to meetup slightly more than we do, simply because its their main... hobby, i guess you could call it! Whereas we have a few other things occupying our brainspace too, life wise. But I think we are unavailable for their suggested dates more than they are for ours, simply due to other commitments, so it probably feels like more on our end? We always suggest alternatives dates, which often they cant do because they are busy, or suggest cheaper meetups if the plans are out of our budget. All this to say, we see then probably once a month, sometimes more sometimes less, for example we had a gap of 2 months in the summer then saw them twice in a month. This seems fairly normal to me... but they've been making 'subtle' barbed comments for a while that we dont see each other enough, or dont make the effort (I can 100% say for certain that we do make the effort, but will own up to the fact its probably 60/40 to them as they will often suggest the next meetup while we are in the middle of one) So, thoughts? I think we meet up a decent amount, I can see how they might think they make more effort to make plans than us,butt when they do its because they are making the next plans mid-meetup (great! Just not something we think to do very often) Happy to be told im wrong on this, im just getting very tired of the barbed comments and wanted to make sure ive considered all perspectives before I approach them to see whats going on.

piccalili · 23/12/2025 10:19

I hate when it is like an expectation in terms of how much you need to see someone. I had a friend like that and it became much too intense and demanding. My true friendships there are no expectations or pressures. They’re friends - you’re not also in a relationship with them. You’ve got a partner for that. I think it’s completely unreasonable they’re making the barby comments and I wouldn’t be putting up with that personally.

mamajong · 23/12/2025 09:23

Thundertoast · 23/12/2025 08:43

Its good to hear from someone like yourself - yes im hoping I can just have a conversation with them, im trying to figure out the best way about it as naturally id say 'you want, I want y, lets compromise and meet in the middle' but that just feels obligation-y. It has already started to feel like an obligation to be honest because who wants to hang out with someone where you are just waiting for them to make a dig at you... I dont get the impression that its because we're such delightful company either. I just think they think they should be socialising all the time and that as we fit their category of close friends, then we should be seeing each other lots more. They do stuff just the two of them, but I genuinely think at least one of them feels depressed if they have a few days 'off'... but then they will go on holiday together and its fine, maybe thats because its a new place (they will be up from 8am out doing stuff on holiday, which good for them!)
A couple of times, myself and my partner have mentioned having done something locally at the weekend, just the two of us, because we saw it and decided to go, and instead of saying 'oh that sounds fun! We'd be up for going next time, if you fancied some company' they will say things like 'we were free that day and we would have liked that, why didnt you call us?' Its just... exhausting.

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Yeah that sounds a bit intense, i can only do so much because my DC are all older now and have their own lives, when they were younger a lot more of my time was spent on family stuff. Everyones social batteries are different, true friends should know and respect that!

Original poster

Thundertoast · 23/12/2025 09:01

piccalili · 23/12/2025 08:59

How old are they?!

We're all in our thirties. No kids which makes a difference to people's stamina!

OP posts:

piccalili · 23/12/2025 08:59

How old are they?!

Original poster

Thundertoast · 23/12/2025 08:43

mamajong · 23/12/2025 08:20

I have a wide social group and see someone from my circle almost every day. When I am in the office this could be coffee or a walk with a colleague (ive worked there a while and have colleagues who are close friends), when i wfh this might be a dog walk, after work drinks or having someone over for dinner. Most weekends i see friends and/or family for games nights, shared hobbies (gym, meditation, hiking, dancing, pottery). I am a sociable person and it makes me happy but i have different friends for different things - some i see every week, others twice a year. I certianly dont grumble if people arent free, personally i would address the barbed comments and just have an open conversation about exoectations - if they are true friends it should be a conversation you can havd?

Its good to hear from someone like yourself - yes im hoping I can just have a conversation with them, im trying to figure out the best way about it as naturally id say 'you want, I want y, lets compromise and meet in the middle' but that just feels obligation-y. It has already started to feel like an obligation to be honest because who wants to hang out with someone where you are just waiting for them to make a dig at you... I dont get the impression that its because we're such delightful company either. I just think they think they should be socialising all the time and that as we fit their category of close friends, then we should be seeing each other lots more. They do stuff just the two of them, but I genuinely think at least one of them feels depressed if they have a few days 'off'... but then they will go on holiday together and its fine, maybe thats because its a new place (they will be up from 8am out doing stuff on holiday, which good for them!)
A couple of times, myself and my partner have mentioned having done something locally at the weekend, just the two of us, because we saw it and decided to go, and instead of saying 'oh that sounds fun! We'd be up for going next time, if you fancied some company' they will say things like 'we were free that day and we would have liked that, why didnt you call us?' Its just... exhausting.

OP posts:

mamajong · 23/12/2025 08:20

I have a wide social group and see someone from my circle almost every day. When I am in the office this could be coffee or a walk with a colleague (ive worked there a while and have colleagues who are close friends), when i wfh this might be a dog walk, after work drinks or having someone over for dinner. Most weekends i see friends and/or family for games nights, shared hobbies (gym, meditation, hiking, dancing, pottery). I am a sociable person and it makes me happy but i have different friends for different things - some i see every week, others twice a year. I certianly dont grumble if people arent free, personally i would address the barbed comments and just have an open conversation about exoectations - if they are true friends it should be a conversation you can havd?

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/12/2025 00:03

Three or four times each year, four or five days each time. Love every time.

We've retired now to a city with friends nearby so will probably meet up for lunches/dinners more often.

Kneenightmare · 22/12/2025 23:59

Relieved to see other posters who meet friends less frequently. I probably do twice a month. I have a few close friends who I probably see every 2-3 months on average. To be fair most are a 45 min+ drive a way. I see some more some less. To be fair I’ve found a lot of people go out less since Covid. 6-8 times a week would stress me out, although once I retire I’d probably want to socialise 1-2 a week rather than a month.

Original poster

Thundertoast · 22/12/2025 23:50

Another problem is that they are quite particular... now, I have lots of friends with varying preferences and and I have a couple of friends who have thanked me because im very 'go with the flow' and am happy to change, but I feel like I am all give and none back from this couple, but I also feel like if they suggest date A, and we suggest B because we cant make A, even though they are free on B, they feel like they've 'compromised' for us?
There is also an ongoing thing where if they invite people round to their house, they expect the person to host them at their own home in return and think its rude if you dont. Maybe I am being dense, but I dont really see why this matters, im just happy to see my friends and I hate the idea of someone feeling like they HAVE to host?

OP posts:

BarbaraVineFan · 22/12/2025 23:47

Gosh. I only meet up with friends once a month at the most, I would say. But I’m a single parent and work full time, so it’s not very easy for me. Plus, I have a very busy people-focused job, so I treasure my time alone!

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 22/12/2025 23:46

Once every three months or so.

Original poster

Thundertoast · 22/12/2025 23:44

DarkPassenger1 · 22/12/2025 18:38

Wow, that's an amazing amount of meetups on your friends' behalf!

I would say I probably meet up with a friend around once per week on average, but I have quite a lot of different friends rather than one big group, so for each individual friend I probably see them between a couple times per month and once every few months, and that feels like just right. Some weeks of course I don't see friends at all. I'm busy with work and my own family.

I used to have a few friends like yours who would want to meet up constantly, that by itself isn't an issue but the problem was the barbed comments you describe. I'd hear things like 'oh it's such a shame we didn't get to see you before trip/move, never mind, maybe next time', really guilt trippy stuff where they'd express displeasure I hadn't been free to see them even if I was clearly extremely busy (80hr per week job plus studying at that time). Once we stayed over from around 4pm on a Sat, and wanted to leave around 11am Sunday. On the drive home I got a barbed message saying 'did partner have a good time? They seemed pretty itchy to leave. Husband worked really hard on that meal. I hope next time you won't feel in as much of a rush to go'

That was the last straw for me. We'd gone, as invited, spent nineteen hours there, contributed to the meal, brought gifts, been good guests, and because the next day we wanted to get home by mid-afternoon cos we had studying to do, they got in a snit about it. I couldn't cope anymore and blocked them for good.

I love my friends deeply and make a lot of effort to nurture friendships, arrange meet ups, keep in touch, at a pace that suits us both. But I can't be doing with that endless guilty sense that I'm somehow failing by not seeing them as much as they want. They were quite lonely except for me/my ex I think and put way too much emphasis on us, whereas we had a bigger group and were much busier.

In your shoes it's only you that knows whether you can stomach the comments or not, for me I would start to feel resentful and pressured and I don't think friendship can flourish like that. Imagine being sat around having a couple drinks knowing you're only there to avoid them getting in a huff. It's no way to live.

This resonates a lot with me, except they have a bigger circle than we do! And ours is a perfectly normal size i think! Im very similar in that i have lots of individual friends rather than a big group, and none of my other friends have a problem with how much we meet up (that they have vocalised) and I meet up with them much less than this couple..

You are very right, I feel like I made plans a couple of times lately to stop the comments rather than actually wanting to hang out with them - also the comments make me actively not want to be around them, and also makes me feel a bit annoyed- I have a parent who uses guilt trips a lot, which they know about, so it feels a bit like... im being used to fill time, rather than them caring about me as a person.

OP posts:

HollyhockDays · 22/12/2025 18:57

About twice a month maybe? We have one or two other “couple” friends who we see maybe two three times a year.

DH is a lot more sociable than me and frequently meets friends for coffee.

vanillalattes · 22/12/2025 18:53

About once a week. I could go more but frankly I can't be arsed.

mydogisanidiott · 22/12/2025 18:50

Wow- I need to get out more.

DarkPassenger1 · 22/12/2025 18:38

Wow, that's an amazing amount of meetups on your friends' behalf!

I would say I probably meet up with a friend around once per week on average, but I have quite a lot of different friends rather than one big group, so for each individual friend I probably see them between a couple times per month and once every few months, and that feels like just right. Some weeks of course I don't see friends at all. I'm busy with work and my own family.

I used to have a few friends like yours who would want to meet up constantly, that by itself isn't an issue but the problem was the barbed comments you describe. I'd hear things like 'oh it's such a shame we didn't get to see you before trip/move, never mind, maybe next time', really guilt trippy stuff where they'd express displeasure I hadn't been free to see them even if I was clearly extremely busy (80hr per week job plus studying at that time). Once we stayed over from around 4pm on a Sat, and wanted to leave around 11am Sunday. On the drive home I got a barbed message saying 'did partner have a good time? They seemed pretty itchy to leave. Husband worked really hard on that meal. I hope next time you won't feel in as much of a rush to go'

That was the last straw for me. We'd gone, as invited, spent nineteen hours there, contributed to the meal, brought gifts, been good guests, and because the next day we wanted to get home by mid-afternoon cos we had studying to do, they got in a snit about it. I couldn't cope anymore and blocked them for good.

I love my friends deeply and make a lot of effort to nurture friendships, arrange meet ups, keep in touch, at a pace that suits us both. But I can't be doing with that endless guilty sense that I'm somehow failing by not seeing them as much as they want. They were quite lonely except for me/my ex I think and put way too much emphasis on us, whereas we had a bigger group and were much busier.

In your shoes it's only you that knows whether you can stomach the comments or not, for me I would start to feel resentful and pressured and I don't think friendship can flourish like that. Imagine being sat around having a couple drinks knowing you're only there to avoid them getting in a huff. It's no way to live.

Nosejobnelly · 22/12/2025 18:13

Even before dc I’d only go out maybe 1 to 2 week night and 2 weekend nights. One of them would be a hobby/exercise class.

overmyherd · 22/12/2025 18:10

We all live quite far away so a couple of times a year, but we talk every day. My best friend lives just under an hour away, I see her every couple of months.

TheTowerAtMidnight · 22/12/2025 18:08

I'm single so not quite the same scenario as having couple friends, but I'm lucky if I can meet up with each of my various friends/friend groups once every couple of months! I definitely think they're being unreasonable suggesting they don't see you enough.

mondaytosunday · 22/12/2025 18:03

not now but before I moved I’d say I met friends two to three times a week and that felt like plenty. I do have kids so there was also their friends on occasion. Often a workman about (had a big old period property which was like painting the Forth Bridge. Now I’ve moved I only meet up with (different) friends about once or twice a month and also see my old friends about once a month.

Purplewarrior · 22/12/2025 18:02

I am fairly unsociable and introverted and meet up with friends an average of twice a month.

zipadeedodah · 22/12/2025 17:57

Single with a group of single friends but work full time.

We meet up for brunch every saturday morning and go out for cocktails one night mid-week then a meal or the cinema at the week-end.

familyissues12345 · 22/12/2025 17:55

Probably 3-4 times a month? I work part time so have a couple of extra days off a week, probably meet friends for coffee most weeks and maybe one evening a month for a meal

Sheggsie · 22/12/2025 17:54

I’m exhausted just thinking about all that meeting up!

Bookaholic73 · 22/12/2025 17:53

Wow, I feel very hard done by! I get to meet up with my best friend once every few months as I’m working so much.
I do see other friends at least 4x a week as well all go to the same gym.