To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

Exactly!

I’d be telling him and his parents that they can piss off

How is he going to explain leaving Mummy at home on her own if/when they go to his parents

that's not part of the usual
routine and 4yo won’t understand it

OP just say no. What’s he going to do - physically manhandle them out of the house halfway through the lunch you have made for them?

Simply assert your answer “No. you have changed everything, that includes Christmas. Your parents can wait until tomorrow, they are adults. If you choose to make a scene about this and upset the children, try to bad-mouth me or permit your parents to bad-mouth me, you will discover that I can make your life exceptionally harder than it is today.”

If he wants to keep up the tradition, then he goes to his parents alone. You're not included, so that's as much tradition as he gets.

Your 4 yo will not want to leave mummy at home alone, it will be confusing.

I think a sensible compromise would be for the kids to see the grandparents on Boxing Day as you already suggested; your dh can go to see his parents on Christmas Day.

What is he going to do, forcibly remove them from the house? And how can he “ban you” from feeding them? Ludicrous bully.

Failing that : I would have a full main course Christmas dinner (without a starter), ready to feed both of them and yourself, with a properly laid table and crackers, hats and festive music at 12 noon. Dh can make himself scarce or hang around and be jolly but save his appetite for his mum’s dinner. Dc2 can have an afternoon nap and then dh can take the kids to see dgp around 3pm. The kids probably won’t want a second Christmas dinner but perhaps they will enjoy some of the starters and pudding.

I disagree.

OP has this is part of their xmas routine and most kids enjoy seeing their grandparents on Xmas day - it’s part of their tradition and the fun of Xmas.

I think the PPs suggesting that they don’t go to the in-laws at all are not thinking what’s best for the kids.

They’re also not thinking that that would mean next year the DH having them all day.
Surely a routine of having the kids for half the day is better for them and OP/DH going forward.

What do you want OP?

Do you want to spend the morning all together, then have lunch with him and the kids and then him take them afterwards?

Or would you want the lunch just you and the kids and then drop the kids off afterwards to you in-laws?

I think you need to set a realistic goal moving forward.
You’re not going to spend Xmas together next year and it will get harder as the kids get older and so even though it’s a big step, I personally would start making changes this year.

His parents sound volatile, not people who can necessarily be trusted with children.

The children would only be going if I was attending, is that possible? If not then children stay at home this Christmas, next year can be sorted out during the divorce.

I can't believe all the posters suggesting that it might be in the best interest of the children to go to his parents and that you should therefore "compromise". Your children are really young. I'm sure they'd rather spend Christmas at your house if you're there. They clearly have a closer relationship with you. Insisting they have lunch with his parents is for his and his parents' benefit, not for your children's benefit.

So he's ending the marriage and now thinks it's okay to leave you alone on Xmas Day while he whisks your small DC to eat with the parents who stormed into your house to abuse you?

Sod that. To echo everyone else, he wants the kids Saturday and Xmas Day is a Thursday. They have lunch at home with you and he can take them to his parents on Boxing Day.

OP, he's an arse if he's leaving you with such young children. It might not feel like it now but you're well shot of him (and your in-laws by the sound of it!) but obviously he's still their dad and you'll have to try and keep things as cooperative as possible for the sake of your children.

Having said that, what arrangement do you think your children would most like/benefit from this Christmas? It'll be miserable for them to become your ex's chess pieces/trophy kids for special days. I'm thinking that especially in the case of your baby, having a 10 month old away from its mum for more than an hour or two would be cruel to the baby (not to mention to you). I would bet the farm that the in-laws want the baby photos and brag rights this Christmas but it's not putting the child's interests first.

It's not your children's fault that he wants to divorce you - they have to be shielded from as much of the fall-out as possible. He needs to see this.

Not easy OP and I give my advice out of experience but it doesnt mean I dont understand the emotions and how hard it is

Regarding court, my strong advice is that you really do need CAOs which set agreements out now, save yourself grief in the long run.

Say that he can have them from 12 noon. Don't tell him, but you can eat a nice lunch with them at 11:30 then you can have a nap while he has them for a few hours. It doesn't matter if they aren't hungry for more Christmas food at Grandma's, they will need naps anyway.

He's not the boss of you.

Prepare your meal for you and your children and eat .Tell him he's not invited; he can eat at his parents, but you're having lovely xmas meal with your children who you do the heavy lifting for day in and day out while he makes plans to piss off and be a Disney dad. Wanker.

What a selfish wanker he is, he's their dad not a fun uncle that comes along and takes them out for the day now and again, all the fun & none of the work or stress,thoughtless lazy prick!
Say no this year & he can't ban you from cooking FFS! He's self centred and he no longer gets to dictate to you. Let him stay for dinner with you and the kids or go to his parents alone.You can renegotiate terms for next year when you see how things are going re his commitment to them in the coming months

The problem here is that they havent really split, from the kids perspective nothing has changed.
Next year would be different yes.

I think there are lots of women on here that wish they had been less flexible with their demanding asshole ex. If it’s ok for him to do him then you do you.

I would tell him the first Christmas after the split they are with you all day. You can agree what to do next year, next year but you expect to have the children all day every Christmas, his parents can see them Boxing Day

Tell him no that it is too late to change plans for Christmas Day. You can consider what to do for future Christmases later but for this one I don’t see why you have to change your plans.

As for banning you cooking in your home tell him no. You cook the meals you want at the time you want and if he doesn’t like it the door is not locked. It’s hard if you are the sort of the person who avoids conflict and you have generally been catering for him for years but you need to change you mindset and look after you now. That doesn’t mean you have to be difficult or start any rows it just means putting yourself first for a change. Do what you would do if he wasn’t there and if he objects calmly remind him he can leave.

Well no one can stop you cooking in your own house!!

However this context is important, is the 4 year old expecting to see them xmas day or not really aware enough about plans?

Is there a compromise on time to be had, can his parents do a late afternoon lunch? Children dont eat that much in one sitting anyway

I get that you dont get on with the parents and they have acted badly before but is it possible to go to theirs with the kids?

You’re not being unreasonable given this is fairly fresh divorce process. You have not had any real chance to make other plans for yourself for Christmas Day. He should be able to have them Boxing Day.

you do know that going forward, though, what will be reasonable is to swap each year for Christmas. So next year, your ex would have the kids for Christmas Day, and you have them Boxing Day.

More context is needed really, its about what is right for the children, not how upset you are or how angry you are or how much of a bad husband he has been to you in essence.

You'll need to consider if that is a vaulable contact for them to have on xmas day or whether it would be more meaningful next year, whether you can share the day and how to manage that

Depends what time their lunch is, when does your younger one have his nap etc etc

The predictable hostile and combative replies on here are not helpful and wont get you anywhere with a family court, nor will it help your kids get through their parents splitting up.
Xmas day, birthdays, holidays etc, will all need to be managed like this by making compromises for both of you.

This reminds me of when I split with my ex the first time.
He hadn't time for the kids really but cried on the phone and asked if he could come over early on Christmas Day (without his new love) and see them and their presents.
I said yes as long he had gone before my Mum dad brother and Aunt all arrived as I was making their Christmas lunch.
He came and went as planned, kids didn't seem that bothered and we had a lovely day.
Foolishly I agreed that we'd get back together after that , as he begged and promised it would work,,but It didn't work so we split for good.
Stick to your plans I would advise, it's less confusing for the kids.