To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

This is abuse.
You need to contact domestic abuse charities asap.
You need to support.
Have you any family?
Can you pack up and go to them with the children.
His parents get to decide jack shit about your children.
You need legal advice.

Can you go to your parents or siblings for Christmas?

But OP the grand-parents are not entitled. They need this explained to them, they are bending the ear of their weak son, but as to their ‘entitlement’ they have none.

‘How pathetic he sounds, laying down the rules for you all, and at the same time removing himself from most of the parenting, yet feels he can put on the C’mas Day “public show’ turning up with both children he has only a modicum of interest in.

Until this has been officially sorted, and I mean not solely by him, I’d be inclined to keep both of the children at home in a settled environment. And as for his parent's, well there will be other Christmases. The GP’s and your H need to learn until custody/visitation has been agreed to, they don’t get first dibs on these special days.

I wish you well, it will get easier as time passes, but I can see it’s very raw atm.

He doesn't have rights. He has responsibilities and he is woefully poor at being a responsible father. Tell him to get to fuck, stop cooking for him and paying more than your fair share of the mortgage and bills.

Please find your anger OP. He is a hideous specimen of a man and the sooner he is out of your house and out of your life, the better, along with his toxic parents.

Dude sounds like an utter asshole. He does NOT have the same right to be with the babies he is choosing to leave than you do! If he can't see that bribing the children away from their mother on the baby's first christmas is wrong there is no hope for him, he's a moral vacuum.

If he's already throwing his weight around saying he will take the kids whatever it is really, really important you get a good lawyer to sort the agreement from your side, it will only get worse.

Personally I think Christmas days that are split so kids are with one parent am and the other pm are much more about the parents' desires than what is best for the child, alternating Christmas & Boxing days is far better for them - much more relaxing and less confusing. Plus 2 days of presents is better - far better to spread them out to avoid overwhelm.

And what parent of tiny ones doesn't want more time to themself - that's normal! Most of us don't flounce off because it's a bit tiring.

Sorry he wants to be child free during the week?!? I assume you mean from the children he chose to have. He sounds like a complete and utter w*er (as do his parents) Sounds like you should be well rid!!

No way OP tell him no and to get lost the cheek of the man

He sounds awful! What you proposed is reasonable. His parents and him are awful people, it would be a firm no. Just stick to your guns and he can take them from 2pm.

I’m with the pp. Fuck him. He has some nerve. Upend your life then merrily inform you you will be solo parenting the vast majority of the time - but he still gets the fun bits like Christmas ?! He’s having a laugh!

You need to put your foot down now on his “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too” style of “parenting”.

Does this only apply for this occasion? As many many 10 month olds spend longer than a few hours away from mum whether it be in nursery, childminders, grandparents doing childcare or shock horror even Dad looking after his own child

This! If he drags the kids away from the home both parents are living in to see his parents and thus separates the kids from their primary caregiver I can't see how are court would see this as anything other than poor parenting when the alternative was they spend the day with both parents in their own home.

1, he can't 'ban' you from doing anything. He isn't your boss.
2, there is no U.K. family court on God's green earth that would insist a 10 month old baby be apart from his/her mother for that many hours on Christmas Day.
3, grandparents don't have rights.
4, this is a Him Problem. You don't need to engage with his parents nor consider their demands.
5, babies and 4 year olds don't have a concept of "what we always do" for Christmas because they are too darned young.

So ignore his bullshit and have a nice lunch with your little kids at a time that suits you. Mr Part Time Father can do one.

There are no courts involved though. OP's DH hasn't even filed for divorce yet. OP isn't stopping her OH from taking the children to his parents in the afternoon but she wants to give them lunch at her house first, which is totally reasonable for a 10 month old and a 4-year old. The court wouldn't see that as unreasonable. She is without doubt currently the primary parent and will remain so after he leaves as he will only have the kids on a Saturday.

Traditionally the children have spent Christmas Day with their mum. As you are not going to PIL, neither are the children.

His parents sound foul and if they will be helping him financially he'll be beholden to them going forward so you need to put your foot down now.

You either continue with your plans for Christmas Day (they'll still see the kids ffs they can't control bloody everything) or if insists on being a dick about it you get future arrangements written in stone legally so this doesn't happen again.

Fuck that. He can go to his parents house for his xmas lunch on his own this year.
He can take the children there on boxing day for a few hours to do presents and snacks.

He can’t ban you doing anything ….you are your own person surely

What’s stopping you from saying “absolutely fucking not”? You don’t want it, sounds like your kids don’t want it, so why are you considering doing it to satisfy him who can’t actually be arsed with parenting, or to give the arsehole inlaws a nice day? Tell them to get fucked, the lot of them. The kids are at home, with their mum. No visits to the in laws on Christmas Day at all! Come on OP, stand up for yourself because no other fucker will.

If you want them to have lunch with you do not let them go until after you have eaten with them You know that if you let them go earlier regardless of your wishes they will feed the children lunch.
In the circumstances you describe I think you are being very nice to let them see the kids on Christmas day at all

He banned you from making early lunch for your child?! You do what is best for the child and sod his ban! At 4, it is not, imo, best for the child to be away from their primary carer, nor should a 10 month old be without mum. Is he likely to argue and just take the dc anyway?

Also think you would get more helpful replies if you edited your OP to include your current living arrangements

This.

What a fucking selfish twat he is OP.

Grandparents have no rights, and things will be different now anyway.

Your kids are the most important thing here, does he really think that they want to spend long stretches of the day away from you, when they don't yet understand that you're splitting? If you've agreed that you're still acting as a family in front of the kids until he moves out, then you act as a family until he moves out. Which means christmas day together.

He can decide he is leaving, but since he is leaving you to make pretty much all parenting decisions by default, he doesn't then get to impose his will on everyone else.

I think he has 3 options. The options are

• you stay at home as a family
• you to to his parents as a family
• he pops over for a quick visit without you, after you've all eaten and the kids need a change of scene