To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

Agreed. YANB at all U to be pissed off at his surface-level 'parenting' and your in-laws' betrayal. But it's the kids' Christmas, the first of many, which you and he will be able to schedule more reasonably (with the help of a judge if necessary).

This is a really good idea for both you and your children - they get twice as much Christmas, two parents and the grandparents. You get a long afternoon on the sofa, watching your choice of movie uninterrupted.

I think people are just really upset for you and it’s sometimes coming across as angry. You haven’t said if you have a solicitor but you really, really need one.

Does he have the same rights as you do or did he relinquish those when he said he only wanted to see them one day a week?
You can just say “no I don’t want to do that. You can take them on x date to visit your parents”. That is a perfectly reasonable thing to offer him given that it exceeds his requested time with his own kids.

Why did the solicitor advise against it?

Might be an idea to let the 4 yo eat chocolate all morning tbh

As he doesn't really parent, does he actually know how to feed the 10 month old?

I think you are being too reasonable.

As you say they won't be interested in lunch so why is it necessary for them to go to their grandparents. They would probably prefer to be with OP.

I agree with you OP.

IMO being taken away from you on Christmas day at such short notice even for a few hours would be confusing and strange for them.

Next year, whatever agreement has been reached between you regarding Christmas can be explained to them in plenty of time so they know what will be happening and it will become their new normal. But this year, they need what they are most used to, which is being with their mum on Christmas Day.

Definitely do not let him take the children to his parents. They will get back early evening exhausted and you only get the hard work bit, having spent the day on your own. Have you got access to money? I would be tempted to book a lodge or something for a couple of nights and secretly bugger off. Why on earth should he get to take them to his parents when he is the one tearing the family apart!

Tell him no, he doesn't get to leave you with all the work of the DC while he gets the fun stuff. Cheeky git.

You should ask him to move out now. What sort of a fuckhead leaves his baby? He just needs to leave. Say no to him taking them to lunch. He can go on his own. Why are you asking us if you are just going to let them go? Is this just another depressing Christmas custody thread designed to bum us out? Now we will be thinking of a poor baby having to spend Christmas away from their Mother to sit with a load of arseholes all day. If you won't stop it from happening, don't tell us about it.

I like this idea since it sounds like there will be a physical battle if you said no you’re not taking them.

This, and since he sounds like a sack of shit, after you tell him they're not going hide the car seats. He sounds like the type to take off with them while you're in the loo.

Also to echo what everyone says about putting the custody in writing asap. He may want more time with them once he has a partner lined up to impress/take over childcare duties. It's highly unattractive to admit you don't want to parent your own kids, so as soon as he has prospects he'll be Disney Dad.

Can you get the kids in the car and go somewhere now then? It will already be a challenging Christmas for them better to be surrounded by love.

OP has this is part of their xmas routine

Not much of an established routine for the kids really though is it? The 10 month old wasn’t even born last Christmas and the 4 year old can probably remember 1 previous Christmas at most.

Take a step back and think about which scenario would be best / least confusing for the kids :

1. Dad takes them off to Granny and Grandad’s for Christmas dinner after they’ve opened their presents with mum. Mum isn’t coming with them. This is odd because it’s Christmas day and they want mum to come but have to leave her behind at their house. They will sense tension between mum and dad however hard the adults try to disguise it.
2. They open their presents Christmas morning and then eat their dinner in their own home with their mum and dad. When all the Christmas stuff is done, they go with dad to see Granny and Grandad later/tomorrow and get to have more Christmas fun.

There are lots of aggressive posts on this thread. Lots of posters talk about the children as though they are property. It’s depressing.

Children should be able to spend Christmas with both parents if possible. Some of the responses on here clearly are not putting the children’s best interests first. The children are 4 and 10 months - neither will be particularly interested in a Christmas lunch. Id suggest they spend the morning with you, they go to their grandparents 12 - 4 and then return home for the rest of the day.

Can you and the children go to a friend's for the morning and lunch and he have the children for a few hours after that.

Men who disengage from their kids' lives this young can end up going no contact, sounds like that would actually be a good thing here as he's so controlling. So sorry you are in such a vulnerable situation.

Yeah no tell him to fuck off. It’s not fair and confusing on the kids as to why you’re not together on Christmas Day. It also leaves in laws open to talk freely to DH about the divorce which 4yo will be bound to overhear and it will create childhood anxiety. You both need to get your ducks in a row and have a proper conversation with your 4yo before he’s swanning them off with him on one of the kids most memorable days of the year.

what a cock.

Says he has "the same rights" yet wants to do absolutely minimal actual parenting. What an AH! I'm sorry OP.

If he takes the children to his parents on Christmas Day I’d pack his shit whilst he was at his parents and initiate divorce proceedings yourself in the New Year.

As you still live together they don’t need to go anywhere. He can take them to his parents the next day. I have a part time ex who does every other weekend. I have stood my ground over Christmas Day as I do all the hard work. He gets Boxing Day every year.

Have you instructed a solicitor? He sounds like a real piece of work. It also sounds like he needs to move out asap- he then wouldn’t have the freedom to be able to just take the children whenever he wants.