To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

But why are you going on just what HIS solicitor advises? Where is your legal advice in this? It is not just about what he wants to do. I can't understand why you can bear to have him stay in your house cooking and probably cleaning for him when you know he is going to leave when it suits him. Please respect yourself OP and do what is right for you. Don't let him control everything.

I understand why the OP is feeling so angry. Anyone in her position would be but I’d not deal with this situation in the combative way so many posters are suggesting. I’d agree to the husbands ‘request’ and not give it anymore thought. I’d just enjoy getting a break and have a lovely relaxing bath and watch some tv. It’s only a few hours in a whole day. I’d actually welcome it.
It would save all the anguish and arguments. OPs going to have to find a way of dealing with the husband so going to war over a few hours seems like a hard way of going about it. She isn’t ever going to be able to stop him (and his parents) having access so why start making everything such a battle. The parents sound awful but the OP doesn’t not have any power in this situation to stop them seeing the kids in future.

OP, it’s going to be a very difficult day whatever happens. I’d going for the easy and calm option rather than the hostile and difficult one. You might feel like you are being too soft but think about what’s best for you.

This is a really good point. If the children stay with you all day on christmas day this will count as your year and he will have them next. Given horrible ex is still haunting your family home my guess is this year wont be the best in any case, I would be inclined to let him take them for the day after breakfast on the basis that they are yours for the day next year, when you wont have him hanging around. Maybe get an agreement that he will leave the three of you in peace for boxing day and let him explain why you are not joining them for the day.

If he agrees this make sure you put it in writing. Though as he sounds like his needs come first I expect he will want to divvy the kids' time up on Christmas day ad infinitum.

Little kids should be at home for Christmas.

He wanted to be a Saturday dad, Christmas is not on a Saturday so tell him it’s not his day. It was his choice to leave the family home and not care for his kids daily, you do the majority of the parenting so you get to say where the kids go or don’t go on Christmas Day.

You have offered a compromise that he can take them but only for a couple hours and that is totally reasonable.

I completely agree. BUT, while its understandable, the OP shouldn't be making decisions based on her anger either. Many other posters on here have talked about long term planning for the good of the children and I think that this is the most important principle although a bloody difficult one.

As a young child, I wasn't fussed about Christmas dinner and much preferred Christmas tea, when we got Christmas cake and yule log.

I wouldn't trust your STBEXH to bring them back in time for tea, though. His parents sound toxic and they have raised an incredibly selfish son. They must be so proud.

If you're considering hiding the car seats, how about also hiding the car keys?

I highly doubt that a 10 month old would prefer to attend Christmas lunch over an afternoon with its mother. So I think we can safely assume the baby's father isn't prioritising their needs.

For the four year it would depend upon their relationship with their grandparents and father.

Bit of a shame that their father hasn't tried to open a useful non combative discussion as to what would work best for them all. Instead he's chosen to ram through his needs over and above those of his children.

He can't have it both ways and only cherry pick the nice / fun parts of parenting. His parents sound entitled like he is. In your shoes l would start putting my foot down so he knows how it's going to be post divorce. They could have lunch together on the 27th as that's a Saturday

Say - Given your day is Saturday, I will need to ponder which time suits best on Christmas Day for them to go with you to see Granny and Grandpa.
Think about your children and how they would best cope wtih a couple of hours out with their Dad. Choose a time based on that.

I'm so sorry, Op. What a nasty, selfish man.

yup. Weaponising the children is unforgiveable whoever does it.

All you need to say is that the children will be spending Christmas day at home with you and that he can arrange for them to see his parents on a Saturday once a fortnight during his own contact time. The end. I worry that if you give in to him when he is being so utterly unreasonable, he will think this is how it's going to be going forwards. He should not even be attempting to dictating to you. A baby and a 4 year old should be at home with their mum. Abusive grandparents, or indeed any grandparents, have no rights here.

I would make the kids a special Xmas breakfast, pancakes, chocolate, make their own toppings (well, for the 4 year old anyway) crackers etc. it could be the start of your new tradition with them when you don’t have them for Xmas. Xmas lunch is overrated from a kid’s point of view, they’ll enjoy the breakfast much more. Can you go elsewhere while they’re having lunch at the grandparents, so you’re not alone?

Have you had legal advice?
I don’t mean for Christmas - for the house, joint investments, children etc. It sounds as if he’s setting expectations.
You must get your own advice.

As for Christmas Day I’d let it go on the basis I’ll get next year and his grand ‘tradition’ will be every other year from now on whether he likes it or not. Next Christmas your baby will be a toddler.

But I wouldn’t pack nappy bags etc. if he wants to parent he takes full responsibility.
It will feel shit. But - provided you get independent legal advice - next year should be better.

Sorry he turned out to be an arsehole. No decent man would behave like this to his children.

Let him and his parents be flexible too - tell them they can change their plans and do Xmas dinner/tea for the kids evening meal so you get the day with the kids?

He doesn't decide what he will pay, the court does. Seriously, don't fall for this. Forget about what he says and his parents and everything else and focus on getting everything you're entitled to for you and your kids.

I wouldnt hide the car seats because he sound idiotic enough to take them without car seats and yes while you could try to wrench the children out of his arms and/or call the police that is distressing for the kids

I would beg your sibling to accommodate you and leave xmas eve while he is out of the house, spend the day there xmas day. If you can

Thats if he wont compromise at all, its perfectly reasonable to have the kids at the family home morning and lunchtime and visit GPs in the afternoon, perfectly reasonable plan. If he cant be reasonable then you may have to take other action

And the poster who queries why his solicitor told him to stay in the house, its obvious isnt it, the house is also his house, if he leaves it, he is making himself homeless, although he might have somewhere to stay at his parents, ultimately it is his home, he doesnt have to leave, any solicitor worth their salt will tell a client not to leave.

Just tell him to fuck off
If you’re not actually divorced and you don’t actually have any childcare arrangements in place right now then you haven’t sorted Christmas out. Christmas will be at your house. He can attend if he wants.
He’s not taking the children out of the house

Yeah, men like him always tell women we're "unreasonable and difficult" when we don't just accept their terrible behaviour. Next you'll be "vindictive" and, probably, "mad". Ignore it all and do nothing without the advice of your solicitor - have you got one yet? If he starts telling you it'll be simpler / easier / cheaper to agree things without lawyers, don't fall for it.

It’s your youngest child’s first Christmas for heavens sake, of course he can’t do this to you. Just tell him calmly, you are their mother and you want to spend the full day with them. If he wants to take them to see his parents, he can do this on Boxing Day.

Tell him he wanted Saturday parenting, so Christmas isn't on a Saturday this year therefore it's your time with the kids. Seriously though - get this sorted with a lawyer cos he is showing all the signs of weaponising children and no regard whatsoever for your life. By the way, he is unlikely to get to keep the house because you have residence of the kids. So stay in it

I don't think the kids are going to have a fabulous Christmas with their parents fighting over them. The husband's in the wrong, but being right isn't the solution here.

They've got 11 months after this to sort out their arrangements.

Excellent idea. Weaponise the treatment of the children in order to piss him off. Fortunately there’s no way he can retaliate in kind, so it’s not as if you’d be behaving in a way that’ll lead to an escalation of petty strategies in which the kids become vehicles for their estranged parents’ cycle of resentful feuding. This course of action will have no effect on them and they won’t be in the least emotionally fucked-up by it.

”I will allow my children to attend for two hours if and only if your parents give me a sincere apology for that mistaken outburst.
I’d text that to him - he’ll show it to them hahaha.

I would dearly love to hear you say this, @Iris10000although it’ll probably get you nowhere.
But then the kids stay home yay!
But they owe you that sincere apology.
And you might get it, depending on how bad they want to see their grandchildren.