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Original poster

Fed up with passive aggression!

61 replies

Passaggressfedup · 22/12/2025 13:51

Username change due to professional confidentiality.

It's all there in the title! Today, after another round of dealing with passive aggressive behaviour, I want to shout that it really isn't ok!

We seem to have come to a point in society where physical aggression is more than ever shamed and punished. What progress we have made to get to this point, with yet more to be made.

This however seems to have been exchanged by a more than ever growing level of retaliation using passive agression. Worse is that many seem to think that it's an absolutely appropriate and even commended substitute.

MN is a minefield of it. Some posters seem to have become experts in the matter as have some people in the real world....and they seem to carry the glory with pride, seeing themselves as the beholder as of a life skill mastery.

Right now I want to shout that it really is not okay and the damage of such behaviour is polluting our society.

Today, start of week, only 13:30 and I've already had to deal with it three times with three different people. My OH, who always self congratulate himself for always keeping a very low level tone of voice and appearing calm and in full control, yet will use strident words, manipulating memories to make me doubt myself, and refusing to listen to me because my voice happens to be an octave higher than his, which is clear evidence in his view that I am rude and nasty!

Then the big boss, known to be a bully and hated by everyone, but people are choosing self preservation and therefore telling her what she wants to hear in her face. However hard I try to express my differences in a calm, professional and collaborative manner, she can't help herself by sending yet another array of rude emails, full of demands and sarcasm. I won't even describe the third instance today!

I pride myself in always trying to be kind, thoughtful and empathetic. I might not always succeed, but these are the values I hold closest to me heart.

I believe in honesty and openness when you disagree with someone and the whole let's agree to disagree with no hard feelings. If this means voices going up a bit, speech speeding up, it's ok, as long as you leave matters without resentment.

The way I feel now is emotionally shattered. Exhausted by people who value themselves so highly for dealing with things with such control when what it really is is subtle aggressive manners thrown to cause as much emotional harm as possible whilst coming out of it with flying starts.

These people have nothing to be proud of. They are more interested in controlling and winning the argument than in finding a reasonable compromise. They really are not nice people!

Rant of the day 😁

OP posts:
Taupeness · 23/12/2025 09:10

Not everything in life that you dislike or disagree with is "passive aggression".

Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 09:08

OP, you were PA yourself with your typical MN comment and the emoji that indicated you were laughing at us. The assertive behavior would have been to say some responses had irritated you", you would no doubt believe I was being PA towards you. Whereas I think I would be assertively stating my opinion

Just to add that I do agree with you (although I didn't use an emoji but that's not that relevant), my response was PA to an extent. And that's what I hate about it, because when you bombarded by PA, you find yourself pushed into a corner with nothing left to defend yourself but to use it back. Anything else either fueled more PA as you've become the perfect target, or leaves you even further stuck in the corner.

That's why I really really hate it in the first place. There was absolutely no need to turn my post in a person attack of my person. Now I genuinely don't care here, I certainly don't get affected by what strangers say about me but other posters certainly do.

So it comes down to why? Because I dared to give two examples of a situation to illustrate my point. Because I dared to write that I was a nice person? This warrants an accusation of being an emotional vampire? And in the end, I'm the unreasonable person for saying that I'm nice but the poster making the personal dig is just assertive?

It wasn't irritating as such, but yes, I did feel that these posts illustrated my point well.

OP posts:
SoulSearchBeHonest · 23/12/2025 09:07

Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 08:13

I think you've had a mix of replies. Some you'll like others you'll dismiss.
I didn't start this thread to seek approval or disapproval about me as a person. It was about discussing why passive aggression seems to be seen by some as an acceptable mean to be unkind and hurt people, when other forms of aggression are rightly considered unacceptable.

I suppose it's also questioning why some people have to turn everything personal. I gave personal instances to illustrate my view, not to expect anyone to feel sorry for me, and certainly not to make it a platform for people to be unkind for not apparent reason.

This is why I said this thread was indeed illustrating my point. Why the need to write that I am obviously not a nice person if I dared to write that I am? Why the need for @yellowcar22 post? Why the character assassination when my post was to discuss what I feel is a rise in passive aggression?

OK no worries.

ps Ive not written you are not a nice person, yet you've addressed that comment to me. Maybe take a look from a different lens?

Taupeness · 23/12/2025 09:07

I'm getting definite sea lion vibes from the OP...

Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 08:54

Just to add that 'assertion' can be used as an excuse for passive aggression.

You can be assertive without being hurtful. Assertiveness is about not taking a step back when you believe you are not doing anything wrong. That's absolutely doable in almost all instance without making the other person feel they have no alternatives but to withdraw themselves.

People who are passive aggression do want that person to withdraw and do it by keeping at them, but again, do so in a way they can justify.

I see passive aggression as the most hypocritical way to have a debate, or disagreement. It is used not so much to make your point but discredit the other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 08:48

@5128gap, you explained it very well. Indeed, the line can be blurry.

What is not really blurry though is the intention in most cases. I agree with you that it mainly used as a mean of control.

If you are going to make assumptions about someone and use them as an intent to hurt them, it is aggression. Just a type of aggression that is not as obvious.

It is not about people being offended easily. If you offend someone but genuinely did not intent to upset them and are genuinely upset that they feel this way, it's not passive aggressive.

If you however pick words that you know very well is going to trigger that person (but others might not know it, so they might appear innocent to them), and once that person reacts to it, you turn things around to pretend you had no bad intentions (but you really did), and make it that the problem is the recipient, that is very much passive aggression.

OP posts:
5128gap · 23/12/2025 08:40

PA is 'more acceptable' because it's subjective (you feel it's been used against you here, others would disagree) and the line between politely staying something a person doesn't like and what may be recieved as PA is difficult to draw.
Its also clearly preferable that people avoid actual aggression as its often intimidating. PA may be annoying but it's unlikely to make you fear the other person is going to hurt you.
PA is controlled behaviour. The person displaying it is angry, but is able to channel that away from more harmful aggressive behavior such as verbal intimidation, or violent behaviour. The aggressive person often appears to have lost control of thenselves, and is therefore percieved as a greater threat.
Its also often a learned behavior of people who have reason to fear that being assertive will lead to negative consequences or judgement.
Obviously it's better to be assertive than PA, but the difference between the two is in the eye of the reciever.
If I said to you "OP, you were PA yourself with your typical MN comment and the emoji that indicated you were laughing at us. The assertive behavior would have been to say some responses had irritated you", you would no doubt believe I was being PA towards you. Whereas I think I would be assertively stating my opinion.

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 08:28

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Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 08:28

@Speculating that you’re a shouter.

Speculating and making assumptions to generate an unpleasant response. Why?

OP posts:
Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 08:26

I’m sensing that you take offence at quite a lot in life
Well, this is the interesting thing. Its actually the exact opposite. I can laugh things off quite easily and do so all the time.

However, I do not like nastiness for the sake of it. If I were to put my foot in front of someone to see them fall and hurt themselves for no reason , most would be critical of that behaviour and attitude. Rightly so.

However, If I throw insults to someone that is meant to upset them, but it's not using poor language and not raising their voice, that seems to be perfectly acceptable.

The end result is the same though, someone is hurt by my choice of action.

OP posts:
Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 08:21

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Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 08:20

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Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 08:19

@Abittrumpy, each of your posts have been unkind. You don't have to be name calling to be rude and unpleasant. Can I ask why you felt it appropriate to be so when you don't know me?

OP posts:
Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 08:16

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rickyrickygrimes · 23/12/2025 08:16

Can you give an example? I’m never sure what passive aggressive looks like 🤷‍♀️

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 08:15

Oh don’t be daft
You’ve had a few posts, no name calling, no nastiness.

Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 08:13

I think you've had a mix of replies. Some you'll like others you'll dismiss.
I didn't start this thread to seek approval or disapproval about me as a person. It was about discussing why passive aggression seems to be seen by some as an acceptable mean to be unkind and hurt people, when other forms of aggression are rightly considered unacceptable.

I suppose it's also questioning why some people have to turn everything personal. I gave personal instances to illustrate my view, not to expect anyone to feel sorry for me, and certainly not to make it a platform for people to be unkind for not apparent reason.

This is why I said this thread was indeed illustrating my point. Why the need to write that I am obviously not a nice person if I dared to write that I am? Why the need for @yellowcar22 post? Why the character assassination when my post was to discuss what I feel is a rise in passive aggression?

OP posts:
Yellowcar22 · 23/12/2025 08:02

Reminds me of a quote I heard. If you know a arse you know arse. If you know lots of arses maybe you're the arse.

SoulSearchBeHonest · 23/12/2025 08:02

I think you've had a mix of replies. Some you'll like others you'll dismiss.

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 07:58

“add a smile to it”?

Passive aggression in emoji form!

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 07:56

Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 07:50

oh dear…. Are you now stomping around shouting!!
I never said I shouted. An octave higher than calm is not shouting. Regardless, your words are unnecessary, unkind and can only have been written with the intention to upset. Why? You could write them as calmly as possible, add a smile to it, and yeah, this is what my original post was about. Nasty use of words intended to hurt the recipient for no good reason.

A perfect example of passive aggressiveness used by people who think they are doing nothing wrong because what? It's just words?

Yeah, you’re a shouter 😆

Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 07:50

oh dear…. Are you now stomping around shouting!!
I never said I shouted. An octave higher than calm is not shouting. Regardless, your words are unnecessary, unkind and can only have been written with the intention to upset. Why? You could write them as calmly as possible, add a smile to it, and yeah, this is what my original post was about. Nasty use of words intended to hurt the recipient for no good reason.

A perfect example of passive aggressiveness used by people who think they are doing nothing wrong because what? It's just words?

OP posts:
Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 06:25

Passaggressfedup · 22/12/2025 21:17

Haha, very predictable responses from MN posters, very much confirming my point!

oh dear…. Are you now stomping around shouting!! 😂

Taupeness · 22/12/2025 21:20

Passaggressfedup · 22/12/2025 21:17

Haha, very predictable responses from MN posters, very much confirming my point!

Well, not really.

Original poster
Passaggressfedup · 22/12/2025 21:17

Haha, very predictable responses from MN posters, very much confirming my point!

OP posts:
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