Fed up with passive aggression!

Passive aggression can indeed be soul destroying: I have a highly passive aggressive boss who makes my life miserable.

But I think you are presenting a false duality here. Its not a choice between passive aggression and aggression, its a choice between passive aggression and calm, respectful and non-emotional pushback.

If your alternative to passive aggression is to raise your voice then I am not surprised people are getting exasperated with you. Raised voices are not automatically more direct and honest, a lot of people find them frightening and exhausting.

You must be able to find a way to counter someone being passive aggressive without having to raise your voice. It sounds like you are swinging between two unpleasant extremes when you could just learn to be politely assertive.

If everyone you're communicating with is behaving in a certain way, then it's unlikely to be the case that they're all arseholes and you're not contributing in any way to the dynamic of the conversation.

To be fair, I didn't say PA is about agreeing or disagreeing. I also didn't use PA (if you're implying I did?). I simply picked out the part of your post where you were trying to show that your OH is unreasonable because he believes you're shouting while you believe you aren't but your "voice is an octave higher than his" (your words). This is subjective. You're both seeing things differently.

However, my question was simply based on that specific part. If on mn a woman was saying her OH shouts during disagreement but her OH is disputing that with the same excuse, would you expect posters to agree with the woman's OH? Isn't it more likely that posters would believe the OH does shout even if he thinks he doesn't. Because at the end of the day, tone can land a certain way even if it's not intentional. That's all i was trying to get you to see there.

In fact, the reason I made my second post was to faily let you know that my first post doesn't ignore the fact that i think you're right in general.

On my second post, I agreed that some posters' sneery posts (like the one you strongly pointed out) were truly a case of PA and it's all over MN. Posters acting like they aren't PA or don't know what you're talking about is also part of the insidious nature of PA. People agreeing or disagreeing with you isn't the point I was making here.

I agree that it is a normal acceptable way of communicating though but by those who do so themselves.

@Passaggressfedup I also agree with you about the passive aggression both on this thread and MN in general. Some of those posts (including those acting like they can’t see them) do confirm what you're saying.

If it was your dp's voice that was "an octave higher" than yours, in other words, he seems to shout at you when you're disagreeing, would you want posters to agree with him? @Passaggressfedup

As said multiple times on mn over the years we only your version, if people have issues in their life this may make them see things differently, people, maybe they are what you say maybe they are not

What is one person's plain speaking is another person feeling they are being picked on, a person may be acting badly towards another or the person on the receiving end may not be able to handle being told a truth

So it would all depends, of a third, not related to the situation, person saw it all played back who knows what they would think?

I love my DH 100% but he can get passive aggressive during disagreements. It drives me mad. His whole family are, especially his mother. I can see he’s been created with this style of communication since he was born, and he sees it as normal. He even struggles to identify passive aggression around him, even though he agrees it exists. It’s just so normalised for him.

Whereas actual aggression was (sadly) the language of my childhood, and consequently I struggle with emotional regulation and temper during disagreements, which also drives my DH mad.

We continue to learn to try harder and do better.

Being correct and putting in your own views on anything work related isn’t something you do in a job you want to keep.
From experience I have learned to keep my mouth shut and work doing exactly as I am told.
PA in an email is there to cover your behind if there are any consequences

I don’t think the words are intended to hurt you. I think they’re intended to make you stop and think.

As PPs have said, coming up against such frequent (almost relentless) passive aggression is very unusual. The fact that it is happening to you calls into question your part in all of these scenarios.
Are you a bad listener? Do you take instruction badly? (from your boss)

In other words, are you adequately reflecting on these ‘episodes’ - why do people feel the need to be this way with you so frequently and persistently?

Thats an interesting example, as sometimes it HAS been agreed x,y and z needs to be done by the end of the day, just with the powers that be, not the person who will do them.
I wouldn't actually call that email PA. To me that's assertive (sticks to the facts, involves no emotional manipulation) but could read as bordering on aggressive dependent on tone, or if there was a threat attached "any failure to comply may result in..." etc.
A PA email would be "I'm sure you will agree that's its important that this is completed by the end of the day. Its disappointing to be having to remind you, when I understood it was agreed. If you aren't able to manage your work to complete this, please speak to me so we can consider your time management training needs"

“If this means voices going up a bit, speech speeding up, it's ok, as long as you leave matters without resentment.”

So shouting then? Yeah, I wouldn’t be “passive” aggressive in that situation, I’d tell you to fuck off with your shouting.

Interesting. I'm not sure you always can be assertive without hurting the other person. Because sometimes it's the message that hurts, regardless of the delivery.
I also think that realistically in many cases of disagreement the aim is to get the person to 'withdraw' because then you have 'won'. Compromise and 'agree to disagree' is not always possible or desirable.
For example, a manager who needs a piece of work corrected does not want the engagement to end with an agreement to disagree. They want it to end with their staff withdrawing and doing as they're told.
Certainly PA is not ideal. However going around treating each other with (the more honest) overt aggression we may feel is even less so, and true assertiveness is a skill that many don't have. Particularly in the heat of the moment.
I think its also worth noting that PA is often sex based behaviour, with women more likely to display it than aggression. This is not only a socialised behaviour, but also a protective one. We know that if we speak our minds we can be especially vulnerable to consequences, so we may use other methods to indicate our displeasure.

An octave higher than calm is not shouting

Eh?? Do you know what an octave is? Higher doesn’t mean less calm 😂 calm isn’t to do with how low someone speaks.

The thing is, the opposite/preferred alternative to passive aggression surely wouldn’t be overt aggression. It would be clear, direct, rational, fair, right? No aggression needed in any form? Why does every option have to include aggression? People seem totally unable to have a polite disagreement these days.

OP, you sound like hard work. Based on what you've written, it's not surprising you experience so much aggression from people.