Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at my parents

39 replies

DallazMajor · 22/12/2025 11:54

I’ll try and summarise this but happy to answer any questions.

I’ve suffered with emotional loneliness for as long as I can recall. Additionally I’ve always had anxiety, depression and panic disorder.

Every relationship I’ve had has either been abusive or with men who turn cold.

I’m very empathetic and labelled by exes as “needy”.

last year I started therapy. The therapist said the trauma I display usually stems from childhood. I was confused as I didn’t think that was the case. She asked me lots of things about my younger years and it started to become very obvious that my childhood was not ideal at all.

I had been emotionally neglected quite severely. Most of my childhood I can’t even remember. The things I do remember where mainly times when I had been on my own at inappropriate times - such as Christmas mornings opening my presents I was always alone and felt sad. I can’t remember ever feeling close to my parents. Getting a hug or any praise. Basically no emotional connection.

Ive since probed my older relatives who have told me that my dad was very controlling (he still is) and used to refer to mum as “donkey” (not in a joke way) He was insecure as she was very beautiful and he manipulated her and diminished her confidence.

My mums behaviour toward me as I got older was extremely spiteful. She constantly called me fat. Told me not to eat and basically made no bones about the fact that I wasn’t attractive which was unacceptable to her.

I obviously do remember my mum being like this with me but I always put it down to her going through the menopause and acting strangely. (think my dad planted that seed)

I didn’t realise that my mum had been mentally abused for years by my dad and she was taking the frustration out on me. Either way I know it’s wrong but it offers some perspective.

Both my parents are old and in bad health now. My dad is very unreasonable and difficult and my mum had a huge nervous breakdown 10 years ago which resulted in her being non verbal for 2 years and subsequently giving up on life to the point that she doesn’t move or do anything for herself.

Im an only child and a single parent. I’m now looking after everyone and I’m mentally and physically done in.

The more I think about my childhood and how it’s shaped me the more upset and angry I am.

AIBU to feel angry. Should I just try and let it go?

sorry that turned out longer than expected !

OP posts:
Original poster
DallazMajor · 22/12/2025 12:34

grinchmcgrinchface · 22/12/2025 12:30

I would leave them to it. They weren’t kind to you, so why should you be kind to them?

That would seem the simplest option but I’m not that kind of person.

OP posts:
grinchmcgrinchface · 22/12/2025 12:30

I would leave them to it. They weren’t kind to you, so why should you be kind to them?

Original poster
DallazMajor · 22/12/2025 12:27

Pearlstillsinging · 22/12/2025 12:23

That's a Safeguarding issue. I suggest that early in the NY you contact Adult Safeguarding at your local council and report your concerns about Dad's treatment of Mum.

Neither of them are your responsibility, just do as much as you feel comfortable with, which might be nothing, but, more realistically will probably be arms length supervision of outside care arrangements. You owe them nothing.

Show quote history

I’ve reported it to social services including the head of adult SS in my area. They say that there’s nothing they can do because they both have capacity. (Which is bollocks as far as I’m concerned).

OP posts:
patooties · 22/12/2025 12:24

I would honestly leave them to it. They hey we’re not kind and did not look after you. You forfeit the right to be cared for when you behave as your parents did.

Pearlstillsinging · 22/12/2025 12:23

DallazMajor · 22/12/2025 12:10

My dad refuses carers.

My mum needs 24/7 care. My dad is doing this but is very abusive. He calls her all the names under the sun. He doesn’t wash her or dress her. It’s all left to me I go over 2/3 days a week. (I moved away 5 years ago because I couldn’t stand the toxicity and I didn’t want my children to hear or witness the situation).

Show quote history

That's a Safeguarding issue. I suggest that early in the NY you contact Adult Safeguarding at your local council and report your concerns about Dad's treatment of Mum.

Neither of them are your responsibility, just do as much as you feel comfortable with, which might be nothing, but, more realistically will probably be arms length supervision of outside care arrangements. You owe them nothing.

Elsvieta · 22/12/2025 12:22

Your dad can refuse carers; you can refuse to be a carer. It is an option. If she's being neglected as a result you can also draw it to the attention of social services.

Original poster
DallazMajor · 22/12/2025 12:21

Imgoingtobefree · 22/12/2025 12:11

Keep on doing therapy if you can.

You will find you need to grieve first for the childhood you didn’t have, before you can let it go. This can be a very different amount of time for different people.

Eventually, when you reach that time, you then need to completely move on and take complete ownership of your own life and who you are.

Im at this last stage myself and finding it hard to stop blaming someone else - which I know I must do - simply to free me up so I can live, and appreciate, my best life.

It’s not so much I blame them. I understand that it’s stemmed from generational abuse. My dad’s dad was a complete horror and my mums family are all very cold.

I get why people end up this way. I’m angry and upset but it’s all quite raw atm.

They are both fragile now. They are both 85 so there’s no value in me abandoning them or demanding explanations or apologies.

I will accept it all for what it is when I’ve processed it properly. It at least gives me the clarity to understand why I’ve constantly had shit relationships with men. Accepting less than etc.

Im just feeling sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
DallazMajor · 22/12/2025 12:15

Createausername1970 · 22/12/2025 12:05

When you say you are looking after everyone else, do you mean you are actually going to your mum's house to clean her and feed her? Or is it less involvement?

If it's the first, then definitely this needs to change. Either she needs an LA care package or needs to pay for support (or a mix of both). This would apply even if you had a good relationship with your mum.

A totally separate issue is how you regard your parents now you have come to realise that your childhood was, from your description, neglectful and abusive. This is going to be personal to you. Some can forgive and forget, some can forgive but not forget and have an arm's length relationship, others can't forgive and will have no contact. There is no correct approach.

Deal with the practical issues first, the emotional ones are a work in progress.

My dad refuses to allow carers into the house.

Im going over 2/3 times a week to make sure my mum is washed etc.

Ive highlighted it so many times with social services but he refuses to speak to them.

I think his behaviours over the last 10 years in particular are all because he’s losing more and more control. He’s had to change his life to accommodate my mum.

I honestly think sometimes my mum knows what she’s doing. She’s said to me on a few occasions “ it’s payback”.

OP posts:
Imgoingtobefree · 22/12/2025 12:11

Keep on doing therapy if you can.

You will find you need to grieve first for the childhood you didn’t have, before you can let it go. This can be a very different amount of time for different people.

Eventually, when you reach that time, you then need to completely move on and take complete ownership of your own life and who you are.

Im at this last stage myself and finding it hard to stop blaming someone else - which I know I must do - simply to free me up so I can live, and appreciate, my best life.

Original poster
DallazMajor · 22/12/2025 12:10

sleepandcoffee · 22/12/2025 12:03

Back off the caring side of it to give yourself some space to think about how you feel , are they financially able to have carers in ?

My dad refuses carers.

My mum needs 24/7 care. My dad is doing this but is very abusive. He calls her all the names under the sun. He doesn’t wash her or dress her. It’s all left to me I go over 2/3 days a week. (I moved away 5 years ago because I couldn’t stand the toxicity and I didn’t want my children to hear or witness the situation).

OP posts:
Rippleok · 22/12/2025 12:06

Surely your therapist suggested you very much keep these abusive peoples at arm’s length?

Createausername1970 · 22/12/2025 12:05

When you say you are looking after everyone else, do you mean you are actually going to your mum's house to clean her and feed her? Or is it less involvement?

If it's the first, then definitely this needs to change. Either she needs an LA care package or needs to pay for support (or a mix of both). This would apply even if you had a good relationship with your mum.

A totally separate issue is how you regard your parents now you have come to realise that your childhood was, from your description, neglectful and abusive. This is going to be personal to you. Some can forgive and forget, some can forgive but not forget and have an arm's length relationship, others can't forgive and will have no contact. There is no correct approach.

Deal with the practical issues first, the emotional ones are a work in progress.

sleepandcoffee · 22/12/2025 12:03

Back off the caring side of it to give yourself some space to think about how you feel , are they financially able to have carers in ?

LuciaLydia · 22/12/2025 11:59

I feel exactly the same as you OP and can relate to so much of what you say.

im also an only child - my mum was so cold with me she couldn’t even give me eye contact when I was 15! But she improved by the time I was 25!

im placemarking OP but when I’ve got a bit more time I can contribute much more ti this thread