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Original poster

I don't know if I should thank her or buy her a gift

117 replies

WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 22/12/2025 11:17

My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) has recently (in the last nine months) stopped all contact with his narcissistic mother (Mary).

She is deeply resentful of my sister for taking her only child and has tried to ruin their relationship with lies, passive-agressive behaviour and pathetic competitive game-playing. My brother-in-law has finally decided he's had enough of her and the way she treats my sister and wants no further contact with her.

Mary won't accept that her son has made this decision and is constantly trying to re-establish contact. She recently found out my sister is pregnant, despite my sister and brother-in-law deliberately not telling her and is reinforcing her efforts to make her son speak to her.

She is apparently going round their family and friends trying to get sympathy and blaming my sister for the estrangement.

The only time I have met Mary in person was at my sister's wedding two years ago. I found her quite an overwhelming person who tries to make everything about herself. However, I enjoyed her company on the day and we got on reasonably well without me feeling we would ever be good friends.

Until now, the only other contact I have had with Mary was an exchange of Christmas cards last year.

Two days ago I received a delivery of a large, expensive hamper from a local farmshop and a message to "My dear friend WaitingforthethingtoHappen, wishing you a wonderful and happy Christmas" and "looking forward to seeing you in the New Year. Love and best wishes from Mary".

I have spoken to my sister who would prefer that I have no contact with Mary at all. She and her husband believe (and I agree) that Mary's gift to me is an attempt to establish contact with me and through me, them. They think I shouldn't acknowledge the gift in any way, that I shouldn't thank Mary for it, nor should I return it.

They have suggested I send it to the food bank if I'm uncomfortable keeping it.

While I understand and respect their reasons, I would feel uncomfortable for not thanking Mary for the gift and a part of me feels I should send a small gift in return.

Am I being unreasonable?

You are being unreasonable - the gift is a form of toxic manipulation, not a kind gesture. You should support your sister and brother-in-law's decision and not acknowledge receipt of the gift in any way.

You are not being unreasonable - it would be rude not to acknowledge such a generous gift and should at least thank Mary for it and consider sending a gift in return.

OP posts:
canklesmctacotits · 22/12/2025 14:03

You’re doing the right thing.

Yes it’s a hamper, probably with nice wrapping and with unexpected things inside for you to enjoy, out of the blue at Christmas. But that doesn’t mean it’s a gift. It’s a weapon masquerading as a “present”. You wouldn’t send a thank you note to someone who’s sent you £1000 in new notes in an envelope would you? This is no more sophisticated or complicated. It’s a bribe, and inducement. She hasn’t for a second thought about pleasing you or bringing you joy. She’s only thought about herself and how she might advance her own cause through you.

Purplewarrior · 22/12/2025 14:00

WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 22/12/2025 13:49

I was never considering anything more than a "thank you" and even that would have stuck in the craw.

Now I have had permission from the good folk of Mumsnet to ignore the old bitch, that's exactly what I will do.

Obviously, returning the hamper would be a response, so I will just have to eat it. It will make no difference to her, because she will never find out.

Show quote history

Honestly, this is the best course of action.

Bodhifatva · 22/12/2025 13:52

I don’t think k you have any obligation to thank her because she hasn’t sent you the gift out of fine motivations or friendship; she’s sent it to manipulate you and your family. That’s not really something you thank a person for.

Original poster
WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 22/12/2025 13:49

OchonAgusOchonOh · 22/12/2025 13:40

And yet you are considering responding to her.

If I was your sister and you contacted her by sending a card or, even worse, a gift, I would be reducing or cutting contact with you. If I did decide to allow you contact with my child, you most definitely wouldn't be getting any photos of my child or having an opportunity to take any photos as I wouldn't trust you not to send photos to mil.

So basically you need to decide whether you care about your relationship with your sister. If you do, then you will comply with her request to ignore. The only circumstances in which contact would be acceptable would be to return the hamper to her with no card or other communication.

Edited to say: your response went up while I was typing. Glad you made the right decision.

Edited
Show quote history

I was never considering anything more than a "thank you" and even that would have stuck in the craw.

Now I have had permission from the good folk of Mumsnet to ignore the old bitch, that's exactly what I will do.

Obviously, returning the hamper would be a response, so I will just have to eat it. It will make no difference to her, because she will never find out.

OP posts:
BadgernTheGarden · 22/12/2025 13:46

You know it's manipulative so that's half the battle. And you've told your in-laws so Mary has nothing on you. It is a really weird thing for her to do. You could just call her out. 'Thank you for the gift, but I am very perplexed by it, since our only relationship is through my sister and her husband and I believe you and they are not on best of terms, obviously under the circumstances I will not be meeting up with you in the New Year as you implied.'

OchonAgusOchonOh · 22/12/2025 13:40

WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 22/12/2025 13:29

She is his Mum!

Indeed she is. His abusive, narcissistic Mum.

If she is hurt, she deserves to be. She is reaping the rewards of her toxic behaviour towards her son and daughter-in-law.

Show quote history

And yet you are considering responding to her.

If I was your sister and you contacted her by sending a card or, even worse, a gift, I would be reducing or cutting contact with you. If I did decide to allow you contact with my child, you most definitely wouldn't be getting any photos of my child or having an opportunity to take any photos as I wouldn't trust you not to send photos to mil.

So basically you need to decide whether you care about your relationship with your sister. If you do, then you will comply with her request to ignore. The only circumstances in which contact would be acceptable would be to return the hamper to her with no card or other communication.

Edited to say: your response went up while I was typing. Glad you made the right decision.

Mollywasasinger · 22/12/2025 13:40

I think that’s the right choice.

Original poster
WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 22/12/2025 13:38

Thank you everyone for your replies. I agree with most of you.

I have decided not to respond at all, not even to acknowledge receipt. I wasn't going to send a Christmas card anyway.

Any action (including sending it back) is a response so, apart from enjoying the hamper (she will never know), I will not respond at all.

OP posts:
Naala · 22/12/2025 13:38

Why are you being taken in by her when you know exactly what she's like, unless this is a reverse? I'd be thinking you were unreasonable because all the things you mentioned were likely if the son has gone NC with his mother, even if you or we weren't certain. Given that you've outlined it so clearly, I'm astounded you could think thanking or reciprocating to be appropriate.

HardworkSendHelp · 22/12/2025 13:37

The woman is a witch to do that. Do not get involved and do not respond to the gift.

YesIReallyDidOK · 22/12/2025 13:35

If it helps, she hasn't sent you a gift because she likes you. She has sent it because she thinks you are easy to manipulate. She is relying on the social convention that you will reciprocate or thank her, because this will open the door to communication. She won't care if that's uncomfortable or difficult for you.

Your sister and BIL know this, which is why they have asked you not to respond. It's not easy being no contact with family members who are willing to act like this, and you need to support them. If you open the lines of communication here all you are doing is enabling an abuser.

Mollywasasinger · 22/12/2025 13:33

We are no contact with FIL and if my sibling accepted a gift from him and responded to him in any way I probably wouldn’t immediately cut them off but I would consider it a betrayal and would be very very wary of them passing on information about our lives to him, so it would seriously impact the relationship.

Original poster
WaitingfortheThingtoHappen · 22/12/2025 13:29

PlumTiger · 22/12/2025 12:39

She is probably very hurt. There are always two sides. She is his Mum!

She is his Mum!

Indeed she is. His abusive, narcissistic Mum.

If she is hurt, she deserves to be. She is reaping the rewards of her toxic behaviour towards her son and daughter-in-law.

OP posts:
Poodlelove · 22/12/2025 13:27

Manipulation.

My father is like this and I have finally stopped all contact.

This is what he would do to a relative of mine.

Appalling behaviour and making out that they have been wronged.

They do it to gain information too.

BusyMum47 · 22/12/2025 13:02

PrincessDani90 · 22/12/2025 11:48

Whats most important to you? Your relationship with your sister, or what the MIL thinks of you?
if you were my sister I would never forgive even just sending a christmas card of thanks back. Its obvs why the MIL has sent it. Your sister has made her feelings clear. It shouldn’t even be a question. I’m shocked you are even considering responding in any way. Do not send a card. Do not respond at all.

100% this! ⬆️

ThoughtsOnLife · 22/12/2025 12:57

I would not acknowledge this.

It is not 'a gift' but it's 'a weapon' offered in order to try to gain access to / info on members of your family by someone who is not welcome in their lives.

Don't open this door and allow this person to get their foot in unless you wish for your relationship with your sister to suffer.

Whatever reasons your sister's given for the NC ...this will just be the tip, please support your sister & BIL.

Rosealea · 22/12/2025 12:52

Look up the term flying monkey. That'll be you if you get involved

Endofyear · 22/12/2025 12:52

PlumTiger · 22/12/2025 12:39

She is probably very hurt. There are always two sides. She is his Mum!

Did you not read the part about how this woman had treated OPs sister? If she wanted a good relationship with her son, she should have treated his wife better!

Sartre · 22/12/2025 12:49

Don’t get sucked in. It’s very clear what is happening, she is definitely using you in a bid to re establish contact with them.

Grinchybinchy · 22/12/2025 12:45

I think I would donate it or return it to her but either way I would let her know it’s inappropriate under the circumstances

InconvenientPeg · 22/12/2025 12:45

She's banking on you being uncomfortable enough that you respond and open the door. Ignore, don't thank her and enjoy the hamper on the knowledge you've done the right thing.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 22/12/2025 12:45

This is really hard. I think I'd send a text along the lines of ' Thank you for the hamper. Given the current situation with you and DS's family it feels wrong to accept it. Would you like me to return it to you or donate it to a local charity? '

FlorbelaEspanca · 22/12/2025 12:39

I think in your case I would send a brief, polite but in no way effusive note of thanks. I would not send a gift.

There is, however, a case for not thanking her so as to make it less likely she will ever send you anything else.

PlumTiger · 22/12/2025 12:39

She is probably very hurt. There are always two sides. She is his Mum!

Arlanymor · 22/12/2025 12:37

You need to see it for what it is - it's not a lovely, generous gift, it is emotional manipulation wrapped up in a bow. I wouldn't thank someone for the 'gift' of putting me in an awkward situation. It's insidious of her to send it and it would be insidious of you to thank her - she's well aware what it is and so are you. Please don't be complicit. Donate it and forget about it.