I don't know if I should thank her or buy her a gift

Team Sister all the way. £1m wouldn’t be enough for me to be in contact with someone who treated my dais and bil badly. Why are you even considering it?

I have been in similar position as your sister. From my perspective it is manipulation. I recognise that this is not right. There is no reason for the mil to make contact with you. If you make any contact back you will put yourself into a very difficult position.
Is it possible for someone not connected with the family situation to return the parcel to the house without making contact with the mil?
It is sad that some people carry on the way she is.
Part of the reason for attending the course was the mil and the abuse I received. Your sister and bil are both victims of her abuse and she is tryingto draw you in too.
I am so pleased bil has stood with his wife.
Too many mils are like this one.
Perhaps the wisest move would be to return the hamper to the shop rather than to the mil. Let them sort it out.

Say thank you to her.

Don't send a present back

I'm sure that her son has probably given her lots of chance before taking the drastic step of cutting her off.

She has tried to ruin the relationship that he has with OP's sister and is blaming OP's sister for the breakdown of her relationship with her son.

All her actions and motivations were spiteful so I'm not sure why you feel so sorry that she is suffering the consequences of her own horrible actions.

You are doing the right thing by not responding. She’s trying to drag you into something that will only cause you and your sister pain and grief.

This smacks of triangulation. I would do whatever your sister and BIL ask you to because this gift is 100% an attempt to manipulate you into becoming a Mary informant or sympathiser.

Thanking her or sending something back will only encourage her, so I would ignore it. I agree you should not respond or acknowledge it.

She is banking on it making you want to respond, so she can open a line of communication to try to get the tea on her son and DIL. This is nothing more than a bribe and you are being used.

Don't worry about being "polite" with abusers. They will try to use social convention to force you to make.contact so they can use you as a puppet.

She is making overtures to try to get you on her side, calling you a "dear friend" which is disingenuous because you're clearly not, and she does NOT consider you as such, and sending an inappropriately extravagant gift out of the blue. This tactic is called love bombing.Don't fall for it! She is not being nice or generous, she is trying to manipulate you.

Foe context I was raised by 2 toxic narcissists and I know what they can be like!

Keep reporting back to your sis and BIL and please support them and follow their wishes. It is SO HARD dealing with a manipulative narcissistic parent, they really need you on their side.

You don’t usually exchange gifts and have said you’ve had little contact and are not close. This is definitely an attempt to manipulate you and wheedle her way back in to her son’s life. I’d say absolutely nothing, do not engage with her at all - that’s what she’s after.

Why do you even need to ask this? Why would you keep in contact with someone your sister and BIL have cut off?

Yes I think generally if parents have behaved badly enough that their adult children want to cut them off it’s unlikely that they have the personality or emotional intelligence necessary to do this!

In the one family I know of where they managed to repair things, the parent had a lot of therapy and really untangled a lot of their issues - they remained a difficult personality but at least had enough insight to know they were difficult, and to follow their child’s wishes about how to try and change/repair any issues as they arose.

Doesn’t sound like Mary would be willing/able to do this. I think you’re doing the right thing by just ignoring her.

Id return the gift with a thank you note if you absolutely have to.

Just a card saying thank you for thinking of me but in the circs it would be inappropriate to accept the gift and you hope she can repurpose it.

This isnt a gift, its a bid to control and youre playing to it. If her own son sees it, you should. She even added to the gift she wants to see "you" next year

Absolutely do NOT respond with a gift of your own unless you want to gamble with your relationship with your sister.

Mary is simply using you as a means to get at her son and your sister. It has nothing to do with her liking you / wanting to be your friend it is being manipulative. Personally I would give it to the food bank and if you feel you need to acknowledge it send Mary a note telling her it has been donated to the food bank. Ideally you not should give Mary any way into your personal space / orbit as she will use this to keep chipping away to get to your BIL and sister. Obviously she isn’t getting too far with her own family as she is now working on your sister’s.

Be careful. If you entertain Mary’s attempts to get to her DS through you your sister may cut you off

Keep the gift but don’t say anything to her, she’s being manipulative

The solution is that she contacts her son once, in writing, to apologise for whatever hurt she has caused him, say that she is available and ready to listen whenever he feels ready to talk to her to try and repair their relationship, and reassure him that he is loved and missed and the door is always open but she will respect his wishes and not contact him again.

Then she demonstrates that she can respect his wishes and learn from his actions by doing what he wants and leaving him alone.

The only time I have ever seen family estrangement resolved the parent in question did that, the adult child eventually reached out and the parent listened, took on board criticisms and actually changed their behaviour.

Obviously sending expensive gifts to acquaintances to try and get them “on side” and manipulate them into giving you information/contact that your own kids do not want is not an effective strategy.

Wow. Here’s an idea for a less spiteful solution: she addresses the issues that have led to her son thinking that he’s better off without her in his life. And another one (it’s Christmas, I’m feeling generous) she stops trying to enlist third parties in resolving her problems in a bilateral relationship, putting them in an awkward situation which has nothing to do with them. And finally - the star at the top of the tree - she takes responsibility for her actions. Are those less spiteful?

Honestly, I would take the hamper to a local women’s refuge or foodbank.

Send her a card thanking her for the gift and asking her not to repeat it because it makes things tricky with your family.

This. A distantly worded thank you. No gift giving back! If she tries to follow up you can tell her that you feel uncomfortable receiving gifts and that you feel it's due to things being tense with her son. And make clear that you will not help her in any way.

So what is the answer? MIL accepts that she will never see her son again? She must be desperate to be sending such random gifts. Surely there is a less spiteful solution.

Be prepared for follow up from her if you don't respond, and it may not be pleasant. Narcissistic rage can be horrible.

I once said no to a woman I knew slightly - she was the mother of a girl at my daughter's school. She was divorced and the girl lived with her dad here during the week but went to hers at the weekend. She lived about 40 miles away. I knew the step mum too, who was forever telling me stories about her, but I had always found her ok.

But then she invited my daughter to a play date at hers and when I politely declined due to the distance , she unleashed such a torrent of abuse at me, it makes me shiver to recall it.

Just be careful.

I would send a note saying
Thanks so much for the hamper, the local foodbank were so appreciative of it.

Personally, I feel that a polite thankyou to acknowledge receipt but also saying that you would prefer that it wasn't repeated.

After that do not respond in any shape or form.