What do people see when they look at me??

There’s many, many factors that influence how we perceive age so it could really be any combination of issues.

If he looks younger and you look older + whatever your overall vibe is, that could be enough for people to make assumptions. When I met my coworker’s husband I thought he was her son (fortunately I didn’t say anything!) when he’s just about 5 years younger and also looks younger and to top it off she looks older. They’ve been happily married for 20+ years so who cares?

If it truly bothers you, maybe review your style and aesthetics? Comfortable clothing sometimes can be code for, well, clothes that will make you look older than you are.

My partner is 8 years younger than me and can’t even lie, I always wonder how we’ll deal with this in the future, especially seeing how naturally fit he is (unlike me).

My DH is 54 but regularly gets asked if he’s in his early 40s. I’m 8 years younger than him and there will come a point when I “pass him by” when it comes to aging.

Could this be the case with you OP?

Usually we read a relationship not only by how old people look but also by how they interact. Typically, the interaction between a mother & son would be very different from that between a husband & wife! But they have made a wrong assumption and I can see why that is hurtful. The best way round it in future with the neighbours, who clearly meant no harm but have reached an incorrect conclusion, is always to introduce yourselves in terms of your relationship "Hi I'm Jane and this is my husband John." Then everyone knows where they are and nobody gets hurt.

Having said that, my DH & I are still pondering an incident involving a delivery driver last week - we both had a short conversation with him in the driveway then I went back into the house, whereupon he said to my DH, "Is she really your wife?" We are still trying to decide what it was about us that made it seem so improbable to him that we were married!!

Oh, I'm so sorry for you, it's horrible. People's perceptions can just be way off sometimes. We used to get this too. My mum was a heavy smoker and had a thyroid problem, her face was a bit puffy. My dad was movie star handsome with dark hair. People used to mistake her for his mum all the time when they were in their 40s/50s, even though he was 5 years older. Occasionally we also had people think I was his wife. He just looked young.
Now I'm beginning to look noticeably older than my partner and I do worry how I'd deal with this happening to us. I know from my mum, that it is just crushing to your confidence.
I don't have any suggestions because it probably wouldn't be easy to have to tell your neighbours face to face.... But it is upsetting.

So rude of them. If you aren’t sure you write, Happy Christmas to All or something equally vague in your card. I’d never make an assumption like that.

OP perhaps drop them a card saying from X and his wife, Imnotlaughing. I can guarantee all the embarrassment will be on their side.

No advice OP, but I do think your DH may be missing a sensitivity chip.

I accompanied my 67 year old Mum to a hospital appointment recently, and was horrified when the Consultant asked her "So, is this your sister you've brought with you today?" I'm 45. Some of us just look older than we are, I'm another with various health conditions and am an alcoholic, with nearly 15 years sober. All these things will take a toll, but I try not to focus on how I look, my DH still loves me and that's what's important to me.

It could be he looks way younger.

Dh answered the door to a cold caller who asked if his parents were in.
He pointed out he was in his 30s with three DC. He was most put out. I laughed.

It was cruel of your DH to tell you about the ‘old lady’ comment. However, it did occur to me that that, and his handing the ‘DH and Mum’ card to you, is a clumsy and thoughtless attempt to communicate something to you. Has he ever mentioned your looks/hair/clothes to you before in a disparaging way, even if jokingly?

Of course, it’s not his or their business what you look like, but if you’re concerned, you could make some small changes. If you’re not on HRT, consider that as the menopause can cause people to look older than they are almost overnight. Also, if you’re don’t already, dye your hair. Use sunscreen on your face even in Winter, and up your skin care regime.

One thing I’ve noticed that ages women are their eyebrows. If yours are thick and straggle, get them done, and if they’re very thin now, get some brow products and put them on every day. Make up helps a lot too. When you’re young it’s to enhance, but as you get older, I always think of it as normalising - making you look more yourself. This is because our skin looks ‘greyer’ and more tired as we get older, so correcting that makes us look younger, as does a hint of blush. Eyes look smaller and less defined as we get older too. Define them with eyeshadow, a bit of liner and mascara. It doesn’t have to be heavy make up. Choose how much you want to do, but just these correcting/normalising things will make a big difference.

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt by assumptions people make, it sounds like you have come through a lot.

i think instead of thinking you look old, perhaps your husband could pass for 10 years younger and you maybe for 10 years older, thereby the 20 year gap? That would put you in early 60s and that’s not a huge leap ?

I hope that strangers haven’t dented your self esteem, you sound lovely. Next year write them all cards to NDN & Granny/Grandad or as others have suggested get into public displays of affection in front of them and have them clutching for their pearls (or whatever men clutch 🙄).

Happy Christmas x

Spend some time and money on your face, hair teeth and clothing. Update your look, improve your skincare, go to the gym, eat better and hydrate well. Alcohol is really poor for skin.

Aww bless you. That's bound to make anyone feel a bit crappy, so I'm not surprised your cheesed off over it.

How do you feel about yourself, that's what matters?
If you feel unhappy with your appearance it's never too late to get a new hair-do, start a new skincare routine, find a new wardrobe style etc.

I wonder if he refers to you as his old lady and the misunderstanding is coming entirely from him.

It sounds like maybe you should consider aesthetics such as Botox / filler ?

Do you have grey hair? Does your DH look young? I am 7 years younger than my DH (46/53) however most people guess I am in my early 30's and I have been asked many times whether he is my father. We both find it upsetting and embarrassing. If you're hair is grey, just dye it!

Just to add OP, who cares what others think!

and it seems fairly unlikely that OP and her husband do look that different in age
Not really. Strangers assumed much more often than not that my SD was my mum's father. He was 8 years older than her. He looked older, she looked much younger.

Strangers have also assumed on occasions that my OH was my dad. He is 2 years older. He is extremely fit but his face is ver lined. I have always looked much younger than my age.

I have a couple friends around the same age and if I didn't know, I would without a doubt think she was his mum. She looks like a nan. Her features,, her lined face, her body shape, the way she moves, her glasses. He looks young for his age. Always smiling, always a spring on his feet, a young looking face.

It wasn’t kind of your husband to tell you what his work colleagues said.

There are two options - accept it, let them think what they think or correct them when they say it. They will be more embarassed than you! And continue with your life, looking the way you do.

or.

Consider ways to make yourself look younger - Botox, fillers, hairstyle etc

But only do it if YOU want to; not because of what other people think.

People are terrible at judging ages. I went out with my newborn and my friend (we're the same school year, she's 8 months older than me). A lady in the cafe decided she was Grandma! It's them not you!

My parents were mistaken for mother and son once, I remember Mum being upset about it. I think because Mum had dark hair which showed up every grey hair, whereas Dad had fairish brown hair and didn't look grey until this grey hairs were in the majority, it did make Dad look younger. When he retired he got a lot of "you're too young to be retired" reactions, and people generally assumed that he was younger than he was.

If it's older people making these comments, then I think it's quite likely to be their perception/eyesight as much as anything!

My dh is four years older than me and to be fair he hasn't aged amazingly well. He also has a mainly grey/white beard, although his hair is still mostly dark. I probably look my age (nearly 50) but I dye my hair. I've had several old people over the years think he's my dad. However, on one occasion, an older visitor to church thought I was married to a man who is my dad's age and looks it - so I tend to take no notice of anything an older (70 plus!) person says about my age/my dh these days!

My mum looked always older than my dad and she is 4 years younger during their 30s, 40s and 50s, some people though he was her son.
Everyone that new my little brother before me though I was his little sister when in fact I'm 12 years older untill I reach my 40 and I changed accordingly with my age and he stayed stable in his 30s face.
Some people look older than others because of the shape of the face, we unconsciously associate some types of faces with youth. Don't worry much about it. Age will catch up at some point.
Now my mum and dad looks similar age and I definitely look older than my little brother.

Why is your husband letting you know this stuff, either by telling you or not taking easy steps to hide it? It's hurtful and there's no reason for it. Whether or not you really do look 20 years older is beside the point.

As you're a newcomer to the community, you may be the subject of casual conversation ie Who are the new people in X's house?
Perhaps someone has misheard something and thought you're mother and son, or got you mixed up with someone else. It's amazing how news travels.
So it may be nothing to do with your appearance.

I do feel for you.

Unfortunately ill health, drink and drugs do eventually make someone look much older.

Just put them right next time.

It might just be that your neighbours are not great at judging ages. So many people (me included) are not.

I was in hospital a few years ago, and all the older ladies on the ward kept asking me if I was in college, which puzzled me because I was in my mid-30s and looked every second of my age, so I asked them and they thought I was a later teen or early 20s! I think it was because I was about 4 decades younger than most of them (at least), they obviously read me as being super young. If your DH looks younger than you, they could be doing the same kind of thing.