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Original poster

What do people see when they look at me??

338 replies

Imnotlaughing · 22/12/2025 09:45

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

OP posts:
ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 22/12/2025 18:53

There are a few things people take into account when ageing people - hair, wrinkles (or not), teeth, how they move, and how they dress. I think you can get away with grey hair if your face is unlined, and your posture is good. I have quite smooth skin, but my posture is terrible and so are my teeth so I always dye my hair, as I think with grey hair, from a distance people would think I was maybe 10 years older due to the way I stand and move.

I agree with those saying that these people are maybe seeing your DH as being younger than he is, but if it bothers you that people are thinking you are older then have a consideration as to why this may be. A haircut and condition and some highlights plus a light reflecting BB cream could be an easy win, if this is something you want to do.

Leavesandthings · 22/12/2025 18:52

I wonder if with the neighbours there has been some crossed wires.
Like one person getting the wrong end of the stick for whatever reason, and in a neighborhood chat refers to 'so and so and his mum', leading other neighbours to think, "oh, didn't know they were mother and son. Righto"

Also, people can make snap judgements based on anything, and then change their mind when they have more chance to meet the person.

You could catch sight of someone's grey hair and read "old", then actually interact with them and realise they are younger than your quick first impression.

I'm sorry this has happened and made you feel so rubbish. I can't imagine for a second you look really 20 years older then you are.

dailyconniptions · 22/12/2025 18:40

Tamsin Grieg looks MUCH younger without the grey hair. So does Dawn French.

dailyconniptions · 22/12/2025 18:34

TorroFerney · 22/12/2025 16:11

Yes every time I look at Tamsin Grieg I think how old she looks.

What absolute tosh. How can you actually write such bollocks.

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In general, short grey hair IS ageing on most women, especially if they're not actresses, not in the public eye and have had a tough life like the OP.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2025 18:08

"I’m grey but that is something I always felt I carried well."

Maybe you do, but maybe the neighbours are only seeing you from far away so going more by the hair colour than your face.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2025 18:06

"Well yes but if you were only 53 you’d notice if you actually looked about 70, surely?"

Yes, but nobody said you looked 70. Maybe they think you're a bit older so around 60 and he's younger so around 40...

Chiaseedling · 22/12/2025 17:56

Sorry you haven’t aged well.
is it your complexion/wrinkles/hair?

I am a similar age and think I look my age (used to look younger but post-meno is a bitch), but some of my friends possibly look older as they’ve let their hair go grey (no issue with that but it’s def ageing), maybe dress older or are unfit in some way.

DH is 4 years older than me and he’s always looked older than his age. His brother is the older one by 2 years but people often think dh is older. DS (early 20s) also looks a bit older than he is - he could pass for 25-26 for sure.

Have you got a good friend you could ask who would be honest and you would be offended by her opinion?

NickyWiresSunnies · 22/12/2025 17:50

I feel for you, OP, but would caution that chronic illness/tiredness & pain borne of said suffering, can age our faces in nuanced ways that are difficult for us to pick up on as we live with ourself.
I was kindly referred to as my ex's Mum & my daughter's Grandma after I suffered a severe spine injury. The years of pain aged my face & posture in a way actual ageing hasn't. Your walking will not mitigate the subtle differences strangers pick up on, if the fatigue & pain remain. Grey hair adds to the split-second assessment people make.
So, you're shocked but unfortunately it is a reality. I hope you don't suffer too much. I was lucky to have an operation that seriously reduced my pain & it is no longer etched on my face & in the way I carry myself. (Menopause has wreaked other more conventional damage, however 😮‍💨🙃)

Charlenedickens · 22/12/2025 17:39

Imnotlaughing · 22/12/2025 17:28

Both our names were in it, he put his before mine I believe as he was writing the neighbours ones and at the time I was writing to our family and did the same thing myself putting my name first as I was writing them.

Just to catch up yes I’m grey but that is something I always felt I carried well. Maybe not. Obviously it ages you but you know if you look 20 years older. The original comment I rather took as more the colleague taking the piss out of DH in front of his mates rather than me. I actually forgot about that but then the recent incidents brought it back.

He could have responded differently but we all have moments where we could have done things differently and didn’t. Me included.

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thr point I’m making though is if they know both your names, say John and Jane for example. Wny would you write a card to John and his mum, it makes it look like they don’t know you or your name. If people know the name they use it.

Glowingup · 22/12/2025 17:29

TorroFerney · 22/12/2025 16:11

Yes every time I look at Tamsin Grieg I think how old she looks.

What absolute tosh. How can you actually write such bollocks.

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Yeah she’d look younger without grey hair. Sorry if you don’t like to hear that.

Original poster
Imnotlaughing · 22/12/2025 17:28

Charlenedickens · 22/12/2025 17:19

Could he be telling people you’re his mum? They seem to know his name, not yours. Could he be telling people you’re his mother and be seeing someone else?

Both our names were in it, he put his before mine I believe as he was writing the neighbours ones and at the time I was writing to our family and did the same thing myself putting my name first as I was writing them.

Just to catch up yes I’m grey but that is something I always felt I carried well. Maybe not. Obviously it ages you but you know if you look 20 years older. The original comment I rather took as more the colleague taking the piss out of DH in front of his mates rather than me. I actually forgot about that but then the recent incidents brought it back.

He could have responded differently but we all have moments where we could have done things differently and didn’t. Me included.

OP posts:
Charlenedickens · 22/12/2025 17:19

Could he be telling people you’re his mum? They seem to know his name, not yours. Could he be telling people you’re his mother and be seeing someone else?

Original poster
Imnotlaughing · 22/12/2025 17:17

CutePixieGirl · 22/12/2025 14:43

Strange that the neighbour didn't just thank you, in that case.

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Precisely. It doesn’t make sense to me either.

OP posts:
XWKD · 22/12/2025 17:15

Imnotlaughing · 22/12/2025 17:08

Well yes but if you were only 53 you’d notice if you actually looked about 70, surely?

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Yes, but you don't look 70. If you did you'd know. There's something that does't add up, that probably has nothing to do with your appearance.

Original poster
Imnotlaughing · 22/12/2025 17:08

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2025 14:06

"I think most of us can usually tell a parent and adult child together from a married couple together. "

Not really. If I just see people out shopping and there's a 20 year age gap, my first impression is parent and child.
Obviously, as you get to know people you see how they interact and you might get a better idea.

Well yes but if you were only 53 you’d notice if you actually looked about 70, surely?

OP posts:
XWKD · 22/12/2025 17:06

Basic skincare can make a huge difference, as dry skin can make you look older. Uneven skin tone can also make people think you're older. Wrinkles, past what basic skincare can help with, are a much less important signifier of age.

I have two friends who are your age. One has significant wrinkles while the other has none. They both look the same age. A very light foundation can work wonders.

Rosealine · 22/12/2025 16:38

OP can you describe your appearance a bit more, what’s your hair colour and style? Do you wear any make up? What’s your skincare routine? What’s your average outfit choices? I’m sure you don’t look like your DH mother!

CutePixieGirl · 22/12/2025 16:35

TorroFerney · 22/12/2025 16:13

What’s the ops agenda do we think? It’s a puzzler. But it’s got all the dont have grey hair don’t have long hair don’t have short hair idiots frothed up.

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Exactly.

All this advise on how to look younger when the OP’s husband did this:

’DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me.’

If true, a husband who doesn’t have his wife’s back and nothing to do with grey bloody hair!

OP has said tgat she doesn't look 70. I believe her.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/12/2025 16:33

I wonder if you dress older than your age? I sometimes see women out and about and think 'she must be about the same age as me but she dresses a generation older'. I'm NOBODY'S fashion plate: my clothes are Seasalt, M&S, and occasional bits from Next or Monsoon. Just a thought.

Grammarninja · 22/12/2025 16:33

Is it your teeth, Op? They can be very ageing. And if they weren't showing in pic on chatgpt, it wouldn't pick up on that...

PigeonsandSquirrels · 22/12/2025 16:31

TorroFerney · 22/12/2025 16:11

Yes every time I look at Tamsin Grieg I think how old she looks.

What absolute tosh. How can you actually write such bollocks.

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I mean… Tamsin did look younger without the grey hair. She looks good but she does look 60+ which is what OP is trying to avoid.

WinterTreacle · 22/12/2025 16:27

If it makes you feel better, a person turned to my 17 year old son at a Christmas Fair and said ‘are you looking for something for your grandma?’ - meaning me!
i’m 52. I mean technically I could be but still!
I never assume anything like this about people I don’t know! It’s like asking someone if they’re pregnant - a no no! And it’s a rude assumption.

TheSlantedOwl · 22/12/2025 16:14

Sorry if I’ve missed this - do you have grey hair @Imnotlaughing ? Sometimes people just see grey hair and make an assumption and it’s very superficial.

God bless AI (on this occasion!) for reassuring you! 😄

Also I think there’s more expectation for women to stay young looking these days. Which now quite often means Botox/treatments as well as make up and hair done etc.

Please ask DH to correct them when you’re not there! And he shouldn’t have told you his colleague’s comment in the first place.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 22/12/2025 16:14

Glowingup · 22/12/2025 14:53

If you say so 🤷‍♀️ I mean knee length hair is pretty extreme - I’m not sure I’ve seen that on anyone and I’m sure it doesn’t flatter anyone either. However I reckon if your sister had a soft shoulder length style that would look better than a close crop. And most people with salt and pepper hair would look younger if they lost the salt part.

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Soft shoulder length hair🤮

Who wants to look like everyone else?

TorroFerney · 22/12/2025 16:13

CutePixieGirl · 22/12/2025 16:08

Exactly. Something amiss with the whole thing.

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What’s the ops agenda do we think? It’s a puzzler. But it’s got all the dont have grey hair don’t have long hair don’t have short hair idiots frothed up.