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Original poster

What do people see when they look at me??

338 replies

Imnotlaughing · 22/12/2025 09:45

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

OP posts:
Evaka · 22/12/2025 10:01

I hope i can put this in a sensitive way! I've observed a brief window where couples of similar age can suddenly look like there's a gap such as you've described. Possibly meno related. It tends to even out again quite quickly but I wonder if you're in that moment.

EleanorReally · 22/12/2025 10:00

cross posts @Kagoule

EleanorReally · 22/12/2025 10:00

why dont you go out with your dh and hold hands and kiss in front of these ignorant people

Kagoule · 22/12/2025 09:59

Next time you bump into them with dh, lean in and give him a massive snog.

That would probably set them straight.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 22/12/2025 09:58

I guess the neighbours haven’t come up with it independently. Probably one of them decided you were his mum and told the others so. They may not have questioned it, may be admiring how young you look for a how old they think you are, etc etc.

I tend to get mistaken for a man :-( I guess it’s my scruffy androgynous clothing, big nose and unfeminine posture. I definitely don’t actually look like a man though, I have boobs and long hair.

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/12/2025 09:57

Is it possible that they think your DH is younger than he is/ he has aged very well?

My husband and I are similar age (he is 9 months older) but he is a total baby face - especially if he goes clean shaven. People genuinely think he is 8-10 years younger than he is.

If you look only slightly older, and he looks younger, that could be where the mistake is happening. Rather than you looking like you are in your 70s.

Badabingyabadabadoo · 22/12/2025 09:57

Your dh shouldn't have told you what his colleague said or shown you the card. Of he cared then he would've hidden both from you.
I do think that people who drink loads or have done will age faster though, my high school friend went through a phase of drinking very heavily to the point that shes had her stomach pumped 3 times and she also dabbled in drugs, shes since cleaned herself up and its been about 15 years since shes drank much at all but whenever she sees me she comments how she looks a lot older than I do.
Could you try some new skincare and maybe facial exercises, it would help if you are wanting to look fresher.
But first thing id do is tell your dh how badly it makes you feel when he tells you things like this even if hes just passing on what somebody else has said

ChuffingNoraah · 22/12/2025 09:57

That said, I agree with PPs that this is their issue, not theirs, and yes, fuck ‘em. But if you feel like you would like to make some positive changes for you and your own self-image and wellbeing (because I know I always feel better when I know I look put together - not necessarily dressed up, but a little more polished and cohesive)

ChuffingNoraah · 22/12/2025 09:54

Hi OP, sorry you’re going through this, sounds rough and must be really disconcerting. FWIW, while you’re right, there’s not a massive amount to be done about aging skin once it’s set in short of serious lasers and/or surgery, I think there’s an awful lot to be said for focusing on things like hair and especially teeth, which may be more in reach. How is your dental health? Could you go for a consultation to see if there’s anything to be done there? I think bad teeth (which I’m not saying yours necessarily are!) can be hugely aging.

Similarly, is it worth going to a really great salon for a chat? Then perhaps something like a personal shopping appt (John Lewis I believe is free, for example)

SimplyBudgie · 22/12/2025 09:51

You're focusing on you but what about dh? Is he slightly overweight with a bit of a baby face and sandy hair which hides greys? This kind of man I always think looks a good bit younger than their age.

Maybe it's him looking younger rather than you looking far older?

SmallTortoise · 22/12/2025 09:50

Does dh look young?

Feck em. I bet you look just lovely.

Nickyknackered · 22/12/2025 09:49

Does your DH also look young for his age? It might be a combination of things, dress sense, mobility, hobbies, jobs, relationships.... people use lots of pieces of information when making judgements like age, not just what our faces look like.

JacquesHarlow · 22/12/2025 09:48

I’m aware I have not aged well.

I'm sorry to hear this, I really am. I think this may be the root of what you're feeling - there are obviously things you're aware of in your health conditions, that you understandably haven't shared here, that perhaps are playing a big factor.