to think wedding vows are a load of tosh?

1. You can choose your feelings.
2. You can choose how you act.
3. If you can’t honestly make the promises, you shouldn’t make them.

You opted for religious vows which said the commitment was serious, lifelong etc. I did the shortest legal service in which all we said was that we were free to marry and were marrying one another. No mention of duration, health, wealth etc.

Well cant remember ours but 30 years on cant see what difference it makes what they were

We got married in a register office and I only wanted to say the bare minimum that was legally necessary.

No one really gives a fuck listening to people warble on at weddings about how much they love each other.

I’m going to write my own vows and they will be along the lines of I commit to work hard at our relationship, especially when things aren’t easy. That’s the bit that really matters I think.
Traditional vows are a different kettle of fish.

Absolutely agree - over 44 years married now). Maybe those who just live together consider it bad luck to make such vows.and are doomed to fail.

They would be better vows. 'We like being with each other (most of the time) and are happy to muddle through together as long as we can."

Traditional or modern, meaningful or not - I cringe at the idea of saying that kind of thing out loud in front of one's aunts and uncles.

How I feel about my commitment to my partner is very private and personal. It's the kind of conversation I want to have one on one, and I do. I've no interest in hearing a couple, no matter how close they are to me in my community or family, regurgitate a little tone poem while gazing into each others' eyes. My hearing it doesn't make it any more true or enforceable.

Funny how people who cling on to things out of "tradition" are fine with recent inventions such as male wedding rings and all-white dresses even though they don't date back past the 20th Century.

I see them as being willing to take the rough with the smooth

The specific traditional vows used in English speaking countries are actually an Anglican invention that spread to other parts of Europe and abroad. They derive from the Sarum (Salisbury) law iirc, which blended Celtic and Roman norms.

Pre-Christian Roman wedding ceremonies had a vow of sorts, with the wife saying ‘Where you are Gaius, I am there Gaia’, so I guess the concept came from that. It persisted and evolved in the west when the western part of the Roman Empire collapsed, but not in eastern (Byzantine) part of the empire.

Sure but you can only make your own choices and you have absolutely no control over the choices the other person will make. Vows involve a great deal of trust that you will both always remain on the same page as far as decisions and effort are concerned.

Haha, I can’t remember if I made vows either. It was a civil wedding so I must have made the legal declarations but aside from that I genuinely can’t remember what I said. Still married (16 years in Feb).

I agree with @Elsvieta . They’re not about feelings; they’re about choices. In the immortal words of Massive Attack, “Love is a verb; love is a doing word.” We CHOOSE to constantly work at our love, by not taking each other for granted, by helping each other, by making the decision every day to care for and about each other. Same with the rest - you choose to stay in sickness and health, etc. Unfortunately, yes, a lot of people treat vows as if they are just feelings, which explains the 21% of men who leave their sick wives (only 3% of women leave their sick husbands).

Well, the first time, it lasted 28 years, then it had ended, just past its use by date, and I left.

The second time, it lasted until he died.

I didn’t break any vows, but life happens. 🤷‍♀️

I meant my vows and take them seriously (married within last 5 years). We went to a very religious wedding recently though where the bride promised to obey! They also had a reading fron Ephesians about wives submitting. Each to their own but it made me uncomfortable and I certainly wouldn't have made that vow. DH also disliked it.

Well he will have broken his own vows, so no obligation on his wife to stay.

How interesting, I did not know that.

I feel that the vows don’t recognise the caveat everyone needs to think privately: “Till death is do part”….. but not if you are an alcoholic or drug addict who does not try very hard indeed to get cured. Not if you are abusive.

There aren’t any vows in Orthodox Christian weddings either. The couple have to state they’re free to marry and do so with consent, but that’s it. There is no exchange of promises. Vows are a feature of the western Christian churches.

We just ticked the shortest options on the forms the registrar gave us and repeated whatever it was she said at the correct times. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Been to LOADS of weddings and have friends married 3 times and only one couple still married and hes just like a brother she doesnt fancy him..42% of marriages end in divorce and no one is ever honest and says 'do you know what darling i rather think im a tad fed up being married to you so i think you should toodle pip off and i can jolly well get it on with Barbara from the tennis club' that would be honest but instead people destroy each other, i think people think marriage vows mean people have to be honest,.

Yes, exactly. I should say that my low-rent, legal minimum, ten-minute wedding was just a legal change of status to what had already been a happy, committed relationship for more than 20 years at that point.

I had a 'lowest common denominator' wedding at the registry office with two witnesses and a selfie stick. The only think I was made to promise was that I was legally able to get married, or something like that. I said "yep" and signed on the dotted line.

The fact that other people want to do the whole vows thing doesn't bother me. What did bother me was finding out how many of my intelligent friends and acquaintances incorrectly believed that a) wedding vows - the 'in sickness and in health' ones - were required by law, and b) they were legally enforceable after the fact.

They're a bit of theatre, nice but not my style. Actions mean more to me than words.

The belief that wedding vowels are symbolic doesn’t mean you ‘mean’ them any less. Nor does it mean they aren’t solemn or that you don’t commit to them.

They rely on metaphor, hyperbole, and ideals (forever/always/for better or worse). Literal statements are precise and falsifiable, vows are aspirational and expressive. Their purpose is to declare meaning, not to specify enforceable conditions or measurable outcomes.

Phrases like ‘always’, ‘never’ or ‘until death’ cannot account for unpredictable change – illness, personality shifts, moral growth or harm. If taken literally, most people would be in breach almost immediately.

The power of vows lies in being spoken publicly within a ritual context. Ritual language functions symbolically: it creates shared meaning and social recognition. The audience understands the intent is commitment, not a guarantee of future psychological states or actions.

For what I've seen and read about, most dont marry for love, they marry for money, gold digger vibs.

And them that say I married because I want security, get your own security, dont rely on a man for money or security.