to think wedding vows are a load of tosh?

Then he is breaking them.

That's what I'd like to do actually, my partner is good about us committing to each other financially and that kind of thing. He has just never been the wedding ceremony type and between important loved ones passing away now and certain family members wanting us to get married to just host a big expensive family knees up, I'm just not interested in that either. I'm going to look into the civil partnership thing!

It's quite worrying how many people think vows are real and bestow magic powers! Paying for a commercialised event doesn't change your relationship or who you are as people and that's why so many marriages end in divorce because people either thought a marriage would fix a bad relationship or thought a partner would change some bad traits. Sometimes it's the pressuring someone into marriage that leads to it's eventual downfall. Vows are superficial and just a bit of writing, if they meant anything or were magical, how is it that there's so many celebrities that have been married as much as 6 times.etc! You as people make the relationship work or not, not the vows.

I have a friend that I've known for 21 years, he's a good bit older than me, he and his wife married very young and had kids young and the problem was when his young adult mates were out being jack the jads, he was raising kids and he never really came to terms with it and once the kids got older, he started partying and having affairs all over, he used to Benidorm for a holiday and when their were asleep at night he used to.go off and see a woman that lived out there. It finally all stopped when the woman in Benidorm got a bit needy and a woman back here told his wife he'd slept with her. But the fact is the vows are superficial, if someone ain't happy, they won't necessarily be changed by being pushed into marriage.

That's a bit of a stretch to link to a moment of certain death unless the hero husband takes charge. The reality is that there is a dark history as to the origins of marriage and the obey part was meant in the worst way possible because in those days it was a man taking a contract of ownership out on you!

They really aren't, I know and have known enough divorced people! It's whether you as a couple are compatible. Paying to say a few words isn't going to give your relationship special powers, it's a commercialised event that makes money for businesses. You as a couple have to love each other and be happy together to make it work.

Well, I’ve been happily with DH since 1992. For 20 years of that we were unmarried, after which for a purely practical reason we did a register office ten-minute quickie involving no vows at all. Me thinking the religious vows are tosh doesn’t seem to have affected the strength or longevity of our relationship.

If you're in a good relationship, it's a good regardless of the vows. Weddings are a commercialisation of a medieval ritual, it's not something that will magically make you stay together, that's why there are plenty of divorces and people who've been married several times - it's a paid, staged event that's all. People who want to cheat or can't settle in relationships don't change just because they paid to say some vows.

We have certainly been tested through the "for poorer, for richer" and "in sickness and in health" parts of our wedding vows over the last 25 years. And we have stood by our vows. So no, I don't think they're a load of tosh. If you consider them a load of tosh, you've married the wrong person.

No-one is forcing you to make them. How about you do what you want to do and let others get on with what suits them?

It’s not always that simple though. Life happens. I was in a relationship where he had a bad accident and was left paralysed and in a wheelchair for life and he hated me and took it all out on me. Granted it ended eventually but you just can’t always predict life.

Personally if any relationship, be it romantic or platonic or familial or professional, starts demanding more of me than I’m willing to give then yes, I’d rather walk away than continue something where the positives don’t outweigh the negatives.

I’ve been in one for several years. It’s easy, natural, and enhances my life. It doesn’t take effort or work, it just works. If it stops being like that, then I’d end it.

Why? Relationships or marriages aren’t always just going to be perfect and wonderful all the time. Needing work doesn’t mean someone has done something unforgivable it could just mean you’re taking each other for granted. And at that point you’d walk away?

@Stompingupthemountain You're.never going to be in a long-term relationship then?

When a relationship starts needing work, it’s no longer a relationship I’m interested in maintaining.

Agree OP and it’s one of the reasons I don’t want to get married. Nobody can guarantee the future or what their feelings might be in the future. I don’t want to promise to be with someone forever, I want to be free to leave a relationship when I stop wanting to be in it. I don’t think it’s aspirational, desirable or necessary to be with the same person forever. That, and I’d feel like a right tit saying them. I’m not shy, I actually love public speaking, but wedding vows are so cringeworthy. Every wedding I’ve been to my insides have been churning with cringe at the vows.

Sorry but you are totally wrong because I ment mine and been here for over 30 years good times and bad ..sometimes a small white lie keeps a marriage going. Clearly I don't mean lying over big thing .like financial and infidelity. That would have been a total no no .no second chances

We did our own. But then we didn't get married in a church as neither of us are Christians and would never make false vows to a God we don't believe in.

Yes so in that situation your husband broke the vows he made and you have every right to leave

No I wouldn’t want mine too either and with something like abuse or cheating you’re breaking the vows you made so the other party has every right to leave.

BUT - I do think marriage has become much more devalued and lots of marriages end that could potentially have survived and thrived with a bit of work

I think you’re wrong. They’re a load of tosh if you’re saying them and don’t mean them but if you mean them then you take them seriously. My parents have been married 36 years now, took every vow seriously still in love and support each other in whatever way is needed. I’m so lucky to have the parents I have but what they have together is something SO rare now. Marriage in my opinion has become really devalued as have relationships - it’s a real shame

They did change them
You used to have to obey your husband.

I'd rather promise to obey DP (which he would find immensely amusing, but if we were ever in a situation where he'd be ordering me to do something, it would be a life or death situation and I'd know it was time to shut up and just do whatever it was) than spout that nasty, puerile AI generated shite.

Marriage predates all the current major world religions, and exists independently of religion and/or spirituality. It is very much of the actual definable world.

We have never had a wedding we have been together nearly 20 years and got a civil partnership in 2023. We went with the pop in and sign a document option with 2 witnesses followed by a nice meal. It wasn't flashy with no public announcements of affection but it was true to us.

I care a lot more about a person's actions than the words they say in front of others. I find it so amusing when I see social media posts people gushing about how perfect their spouse is when I know a month earlier one party moved in with their parent for a few weeks as they had enough of being the family person.

My grandparents were married for 69 years and 10 months and right up until their 90s they were utterly loved up. My grandad moved his chair next to my grans every night so they could hold hands whilst they watched TV. They were always quiet in their love but their actions showed devotion every day.