Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When a person with Alzheimer's will not wash

60 replies

WitsEnd129 · 21/12/2025 20:27

Posting in AIBU for traffic as dealing with a very tricky situation. FIL has Alzheimer's and personal care is a major issue. He has carers in the morning. He isn't safe to get in and out of shower, so the carers are meant to be giving him a strip wash twice a week. Since the care package started 2 months ago, he has only had one strip wash. That was only because DH was there with the carer to try an persuade him into doing it. On all of the other occasions, FIL says he has already had a wash and probably believes this himself. DH has tried to attend on wash days on a number of occasions, but his Dad just says no to a wash, saying he had already done it.

We are worried that he is going to get infections if he carries on without ever washing.

I appreciate that the carers can't make him wash. Would FIL fare any better in a care home in terms of keeping him clean or would it be the same problem that the care home couldn't make him do anything he doesn't want to do?

OP posts:
Neolara · 21/12/2025 23:01

The trigger for my mum moving into a care home was her forgetting how to get out of a bath and needing 3 people to help her wash. It was a nightmare. The care home managed her beautifully - wet rooms instead of baths.

I'm sorry for what your fil in going through. It's a truly terrible disease.

justasmalltownmum · 21/12/2025 22:55

My grandmother is the same but in a care home. She still won’t let them take her to the shower. So the care home won’t be any better.

Original poster
WitsEnd129 · 21/12/2025 21:13

Thank you all for your posts. I very much appreciate each one of them.

OP posts:
CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 21/12/2025 20:46

When I worked in a care home years ago, we had a day patient who came in 2 days a week and had a bath on those days.
She didn’t like showers at home as she got too cold. We used to get the bathroom a nice warm temp, use a nice bubble bath and she would enjoy a soak in the tub with a cuppa and the radio on. The bathroom had a hoist to help her in and out.
Her husband said she liked the baths whereas at home it was hard to get her showered or washed without quite a challenge.

maybe there is somewhere similar that FIL could go for a regular, nice bath?

Thedownwardspiralpath · 21/12/2025 20:45

The difference with the care home is they have more opportunities to go back to him and try again. They’ll get to know him better and find ways to get round him. Carers that come in just don’t have the time, there’s also a lot of important places that breed infection that get missed with a strip wash. Once someone elderly gets infected sores it’s very difficult to get rid of them, it’s also an important chance to check the skin overall.
I know it’s a difficult choice but sometimes a care home is best to get full time care. 💐

Notashamed13 · 21/12/2025 20:44

Thingamebobwotsit · 21/12/2025 20:37

And as @Notashamed13 has said it is just part of the journey with dementia, sadly. It won't get better so it probably is time to start exploring options, even if you don't activate them just yet.

We had chewed food "hiding", soiled clothes "hiding", lots of things, although the aforementioned were before diagnosis...it is definitely a journey, and as much as I hate to say it, we eventually couldn't cope and had to resort to a care home, the initial settling in period was horrendous, but I will still say it was 100 the best thing we could have done as they had "familier" faces 24/7 and we didnt need to worry whilst at work etc.xx

Pieceofpurplesky · 21/12/2025 20:40

It's really hard and my dad ended up with sepsis from an infection from not washing. He is in respite in a care home and they work miracles getting him clean!

Thingamebobwotsit · 21/12/2025 20:37

And as @Notashamed13 has said it is just part of the journey with dementia, sadly. It won't get better so it probably is time to start exploring options, even if you don't activate them just yet.

Thingamebobwotsit · 21/12/2025 20:36

Yes probably. You can keep trying, or finding work arounds, but in my experience unless you are able to be super flexible about being around at the time FIL will either fancy a wash or agree to a wash, it is pretty impossible to get the person with dementia to wash at a set time.

If he is self funding, you could try a few respite weeks and see how well he responds then.

Notashamed13 · 21/12/2025 20:35

From someone with experience of this awful awful disease I have no advice but to say that in our situation this was one of many "phases" in the long journey (in our situation it didn't make a difference where XX was when it came to personal hygiene ) sending you love OP and hopefully someone can come along with something more meaningful. Just know that you are not alone x

Swipe left for the next trending thread