When a person with Alzheimer's will not wash

We had the same with a family member. The only thing that worked was he loved swimming so we took him swimming as much as possible, good exercise and meant we could get him to shower as part of the routine. This went on for over a year until his dementia progressed to where he was more accepting. Not sure if anything like this could help in your case?

Thank you, yes, it has been incredibly difficult. We lost our first son in September last year followed by a dear friend in May, our dog in July, our second son was born seven weeks early in August and then we lost my dad five weeks later in September. A very high stress year.

MIL and FIL have been divorced for for nearly 30 years but live several doors away from each other in the same village and are on good terms. They attend all the family gatherings amicably and are still friends, but she’s not interested in taking responsibility for him and rightly so, she remarried and has her own husband to look after now. Part of why it’s so hard with FIL at the moment is he lives alone and obviously isn’t able to successfully anymore, but the family are generally reluctant to move him to a home as he really doesn’t want to go and still insists there’s nothing wrong with him.

Then perhaps you could speak to the care agency and see if they have any male carers. They should understand the sensibilities around the need for same-sex care. It may make no difference in this instance, but certainly seems worth a try to see if it helps.

These posts are horrendous.....

My mum was in a care home for 7 years with dementia. Dad died of cancer before her.

I hope I fall off my perch sooner rather than later.

I would hate for my son to have to deal with what I dealt with.

(Sisters both living abroad). We all pulled our weight though.

My mum was very resistant to washing but now she is in a care home they manage it much better, even though she complains they sort of jolly her through. I think it's the sensory disturbance of it that makes them anxious.

Because dying from a preventable infection can be a very painful, distressing and lingering way to die? I understand the point that’s being made, I really do. I think there is an ethical conversation to be had about prolonging life at all costs. But I think it’s going too far to say that we should stop treating infections and other conditions that can cause unnecessary suffering as well as death.

This is exactly what I’ve been thinking all the way through this thread. If a person is so ill, so far gone that they will no longer keep themselves clean enough to avoid infection, why are we fighting with them to avoid this? It’s part of their illness, and yes it may lead to their death. This is inevitable. That’s what illness and ageing means.

I’m a carer and this is all excellent advice.

How incredibly difficult for you to have the death of your DF avd now this eith your DFIL to contend with.

In my DMILs case her sense of taste and smell disappearing were one of the first symptoms of Vascular Dementia. Could it be that he couldn’t smell the smoke? How is your DMIL coping too? Has she had a Carers Assessment yet?

100% @ihavelostthegame

I used to work for a company that ran care facilities and we had a couple of residential places that specialised in care for those with dementia and alzheimers. One manager in particular was awesome and very imaginative and she introduced a few things other sites picked up on and either copied or did versions of. For those who were reluctant to wash she would get a local hairdresser or barber in regularly, maybe a manicurist, and tell a few residents they'd won a free beauty treatment - and if you're going to have someone doing your hair/giving you a proper shave/pedicure you're going to want to be clean, aren't you? So let's get you washed...

The Care home my relative is in work miracles with personal hygiene. It’s so important especially with continence issues. The use a wet room too and I think it is because it is so warm in there compared to being in a house where heating was never on 🙄

They key with getting someone with dementia to do things is not to argue with them nor to ask them if they have done something.
So instead of saying ‘have you had a wash?’ Or ‘do you want to go and have a wash?’, you go through and run the bath, warm water in the sink or shower on and tell them come on x the bath is ready for you now. Make it sound like it was their idea not yours. It invariably works.

But do not ever argue. Arguing and creating bad feeling always makes the situation worse. People with dementia hold onto feelings far longer than they remember what caused them. So if you argue and they feel cross they will feel cross the entire time, and far far longer than they actually remember what they are cross about.

instead accept what they say. Go off do something else. Have conversations about other things and go back a few minutes later and try the whole process again till you succeed. Once you get to know someone you with dementia well you will work out how long you need to leave it. Work out how frequently their specific conversations take to repeat and go from there.

We had the same issue with my dad, who we sadly lost in September this year just a few weeks after our little boy was born. He point blank refused care for so long that he was making himself ill and in the end the only way we could get him into a home - which was absolutely what he needed as he was a danger to himself at his own home and we couldn’t live with him - was for social services to get involved and tell him he couldn’t go home after his last hospital stay.

We are sadly now experiencing this with my husband’s dad as well. He’s not looking after his teeth and all he ever wants is sugar. He unplugged his fridge freezer and all the food had to be thrown. He also tried to light a fire in his fireplace a few weeks ago as it’s his main source of heating in the house, and he forgot to open the vents so the whole house flooded with smoke and he stank for weeks because he swore up and down that there was no smell and that he had washed his clothes and himself. We saw him the day after and his hands were absolutely filthy to the point that I took our son off of him (after MIL handed him over without checking first…) and kindly explained that he’d need to wash thoroughly to be around the baby as baby was born premature and is very, very vulnerable.

That did seem to work and he was keen to wash after that so that he could be near his grandson, but that visit was four weeks ago now so I imagine he has forgotten and we’re going to have the whole thing again. He’s staying with us for Christmas and as hard as it is, sometimes you have to be ‘cruel’
to be kind because it’s for his own safety. Is there anything like this you could offer as an encourager? Something or someone he likes but can’t do or see until he’s accepted help washing?

@Halloweeeeeeeeenwho had said he has capacity and how recently was it?

We found with my Grandad telling him things were happening would make him going along with it rather than asking. He could manage to wash himself but just didn't bother.

Shall I get your stuff ready so you can have a bath? No it's ok, I'll have one later. (which he wouldn't!)

I've ran you a bath and put clean clothes out in the bathroom for you. If you pop and have a wash, I'll do a bit tidying up in here for you then we'll have a nice cup of tea.

That would make him go in the bath as the prep had already happened so it was more awkward for him to say no he didn't want to get washed.

We tried everything for my DM to stay at home but after a few years of her refusing to let carers in, as in barricading the door, violence to the carers, dangerous situations and my sibling and I going daily she was sectioned. It was the only way it was going happen. The non washing was the catalyst I needed as there’s no way her laying on her bed filthy dirty on filthy sheets because I couldn’t get her out of the bed to change the bedding was in her best interests.

You need to ring the care company, they are being paid for the time to wash. And make it clear that the carers aren't sticking to the care plan. I used to be a carer and there are many ways round getting someone to agree to a wash - usually bringing in the bowls of warm water, towels etc and saying that it's wash day over and over. I used to get very frustrated when the carers who came into my Dad just did the absolute basics and were out the door within 10 minutes when the company were paid for a 45 minute visit.

Failing that, you could try some local day centres or care homes for bathing facilities.

I used to fill the sink up and have all the towels and clean clothes ready ready and when he used the loo I'd hover and remind him and he would sometimes go into auto mode and do it himself. Sometimes I'd stand behind him and just repeat come on dad the water is getting cold and he would spring into action.

@WitsEnd129Are the carers female? Just as most elderly women do not want personal care from men, some elderly men are embarrassed and upset to be seen undressed by women they don’t know. Might not be relevant in this case, but might be.

Not true. They will have much more opportunities to get him to wash. More people, more time. You cannot say a blanket 'care home will be no better'

Awful as it sounds, we were 'lucky' that FIL had a fall relating to a UTI that was serious enough to land him in hospital, at which point MIL was able to say 'I can't lift him, I can't keep him downstairs or upstairs, I can't get him in and out of the bath and I can't afford to get the bathroom remodelled so I can't safely have him home'. They sent out OH specialists to do an assessment and couldn't give her sensible answers as to how she could keep him safe at home.

She made sure all her 'arguments' were about his safety. The key things were that she couldn't keep him from falling downstairs, couldn't stop him getting into the kitchen and turning the gas on or eating the dog's food, couldn't be awake at all times to make sure that when he suddenly woke up at 3am and decided he needed to dismantle a light fitting someone was there to stop him, couldn't lock cupboards to keep medication safe (he jemmied them open because he didn't like things being hidden from him)...

And for the OP, he's no more willing to bath as such now that he's in residential care but at least they have the manpower, skills and equipment to persuade/pester him into a wet room regularly enough to keep him basically clean enough.

A care home can't make someone do something they don't want to do, however there's more scope to keep trying, catch them at the right time with 24/7 staff so it's more likely that he would wash/shower.
I used to work permanent nights and many a time have bathed or showered someone in the small hours - because they're awake and think it's time to get up, so you use that to get the showering/bathing done and check skin integrity etc - you wouldn't wake someone to do it but when they are resistant these things need to be done for health and wellbeing and it's better than sedation or someone getting very distressed and upset.
I used to be the only person one lady would bathe or shower for - I looked like her sister apparently (so her family said) who had a no nonsense attitude, and I would go in and tell her that I'd had my bath, now it was her turn because we didn't waste the water. With dementia you've got to work with what you've got and use situations as they arise, a clean, calm person with intact skin is the important thing.

Time for a care home, by the sounds of it. Please tell me someone has POA?