Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

Not your problem, Id tell them myself he had an affair and you have kicked him out for being a cheating twat.

You really haven't been able to process this and, if he stays in the spare room, he will likely be trying to whittle away at you, giving excuses and putting pressure on you "for the children" and doing all he can to talk you round into letting him stay (from what you've said, he's obviously already started this).

You're going to be so so vulnerable still to his manipulation. Of course you haven't had time to even take it.

I would absolutely tell him he needs to stay somewhere else. That of course is easier to say than do with the pressure that you're under.

I'm so sorry your married to this lying, cheating scumbag. I hope you find your anger and strength to get through this 💐

Tell him he needs to invent some sort of excuse about why he needs to stay at their house, or you will be telling them the real reason!

Don’t worry about him and his feelings OP. Ask yourself what you need right now? If it is space from him then you make sure you get it. Yes the house might be half his but if he has any decency at all then he needs to consider what you need right now and if that is for him to find a place to stay elsewhere then he needs to do that.

I cannot imagine having an affair and then expecting my partner to have me back in the house with them over Christmas. Absolute piss take. But further proof that his moral compass is skewed and he lacks integrity.

Get from this what you need OP.

>> If you do allow him into your home over Christmas you need to make it very clear that he won’t be coming back for good. <<

Er, as far as we know it's THEIR home. And he has every LEGAL right to come and go as he pleases - as does the OP. Of course, it might be easier all round if he doesn't, and so far he's been staying elsewhere, but those suggesting hotel stays and similar need to realise that's spending money that would otherwise be shared during the divorce.

But I fear the OP has vanished on this one.

I'm so.sorry to hear this OP. I don't believe for a moment he had any intention of telling you after Christmas or at any time. I'd call.his mother and tell her, she can make the decision whether to tell his father, and he can go to their empty house while you process it.

I would also add (maybe an obvious comment), that men who have been caught having affairs lie on a wholesale basis in my experience. So it is very likely he is lying when he says it was only one man, over the timescales, the level of feelings and everything else involved in it. He will also do it again. Even now with the I was very young when we got married stuff you can see the gaslighting starting and him shifting any blame from himself. Soon he will be subtly saying it was your fault. Stop listening. Limit contact, get legal advice and gain maximum support IRL from friends and family.

Sorry you are going through this OP. There are some pretty angry replies on here, I think people are worried that if he worms his way back into the home he will convince you to take him back and I strongly suspect that is his plan.

If you do allow him into your home over Christmas you need to make it very clear that he won’t be coming back for good. He has cheated on you with a man, so not only has he hid a relationship from you, he has hidden the fact he is gay/bi.

Of course he’s going to sell this to you as ‘doing what’s best for the kids’ as he wants to make you feel bad for saying ‘no’. It’s totally up to you what you decide but don’t let him make you feel guilty, it’s his actions that have got him into this situation.

I think I'd rather there were feelings, because this just means sex alone is more important than his marriage.

He started the "blame game" early!

His problem to sort, if he had any decency at all you wouldn't even know of his living problems.

He is selfishly putting this on you (along with caring for the kids/home etc) typical adulturer.

His parents HAVE A HOUSE and because he is worried about their feelings (shame he wasn't as worried about you and his children) he has decided not to stay there??
Crack on matey boy

If you jointly own your home or are joint tenants, he can, unfortunately live at the property. If push comes to shove, and he has no where else to go, then he is likely to move back in. You can't change the locks, because he has a right to live in the property. I absolutely understand why you don't want him there. How long are his parents away for? Can he actually access the property, in that he has a key? Does he have siblings he could stay with? Can he afford to stay at a Travelodge until his parents come home? I understand not wanting to upset his parents whilst they are away, especially as his Dad has health issues. However, his parents are going to have to find out the situation once they are home, and it's going to be a difficult one for them to hear. At the very least your husband is bisexual, and he is attracted to men - I don't know any straight men who would have sex with a man, so there's no point in him denying his sexuality. He could be gay, and has been lying to himself, only he knows the answer to that. If a person is attracted to the same sex, it can't be 'controlled' and he isn't going to 'stop' or 'move passed it'. He will want to have sex with men, end of. What is clear, you are unlikely to want to continue in the marriage, and therefore a divorce is on the horizon. Gather as much financial information as you can, and after Christmas see a good family solicitor. Make sure you get a STI tests as well, as you don't know if he's used contraception or if this person has been his only encounter. Sending you hugs. You will get through this, and come out the other side, it just doesn't feel lit it right now.

He doesn’t want to ring alarm bells for his parents? Oh, so you’re supposed to just sweep aside the fact that he’s cheated on you? With a man?
It’s not your problem where he stays and if he’s at yours and then leaves again, the children are going to get so confused.
He made his choices. He has to live by them.

That's actually his problem not yours

He can tell them your house is flooded for all you care - he was happy to lie to you so why not his parents?

He can book a hotel or stay at his parents house, or he could find some other friend to host him.

He got himself in this predicament and then its you looking for solutions, he needs to sort out his own shit

He didn't worry about upsetting his wife. What a horrible man.

Can he stay in their home since they are away?

I would just text his parents a heads up that he's been having an affair, you've separated and he's staying in their house over Christmas until he finds somewhere to live. Then he'll have to get over 'not wanting to upset them'.

I will go against the general tide of the replies and say "consider the long game". Assuming a divorce and a split of assets will follow, and contact arrangements for the kids etc., it might be more advantageous not to chuck him out or refuse him access to his home at this point.

However, that's easy for me to say and it certainly wasn't how I reacted when I found out about ex-DH's affair. But we had no children so no necessity for any further contact.

This is a rubbish reason and they are going to find out sooner or later! Tell him to stay there and explain it to his parents however he likes. Jesus, what a baby. So sorry this has happened to you op but you sound amazingly strong to me.

I’m so sorry, OP — this is an incredibly painful situation for you. It’s devastating when a partner’s choices upend not only your life but also the stability of your dc’s life. This wasn’t a one-off mistake or a moment of confusion; it was a series of choices that have had serious consequences.

Right now, it’s important to think strategically and to prioritise protecting your dc’s from adult issues they shouldn’t have to carry. Allowing him back in the house for Xmas risks extending the hurt, especially since his actions suggest this is an aspect of himself he will definitely continue exploring. There has been probably many more, despite his denials. Book an appointment for get your own sexual health checked.

For your own wellbeing, and for dc’s, it may be healthiest to let him take responsibility for the outcomes of his behaviour while you focus on creating a stable, safe environment not only for Christmas but also for ever.

I think people get mixed up on here. Yes you have the moral high ground but that's it. The house and the kids are half his and it's not up to you how much he lives there or sees them. I'd be thinking carefully about the future you want. Do you want to be without your kids every other Xmas? Or do you want to be able to still spend time as a famlly despite the hurt he's caused you? I'm so sorry what's happened to you and the hurt you're feeling, but chucking him out of your life is simply not a feasible option. Consider what's least worst, from your perspective.

How typical of a man having an affair 'he doesn't want to spoil Christmas' by telling you in a timely manner, doesn't want to tell his parents and upset them, blah, blah, blah. Did he never consider the upset he was going to cause sooner or later, wrecking his marriage and family? I would give him a bin bag of his clothes and tell him to FO. And TBH given the tendency for gay men to be promiscuous (rather than settle in long term relationship) I would write him out of DC's life as much as possible since if they are very young they will likely get over his absence quicker. A gay affair is the worst form of betrayal.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Where he goes, Where he stays and when he tells his parents aren't your problem to solve, and it's just tyical that he wants you to suck up the pain of his brief return to make his own life nicer.

Boundaries are your friend. Put them in place now, while you are still processing and it will make your life much easier in the short term.

I mean..... He's in denial if he thinks he's not going to have to tell everyone what's happened.

So it's ok to trouble you but not them

Did she write gay?