Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

Omg what a horrible shock for you at such an awful time. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I echo other posters' suggestions, he needs to book a hotel. His accommodation isn't your problem to solve - he wasn't thinking about that when he was cheating on you with another married man.

If you're feeling generous and believe it'll benefit the kids without being too painful for you, you could allow him to come for Christmas dinner but you'd be being VERY selfless and big to do so. I'm not sure I'd have the strength! Especially if the kids think he's already working away. Try and centre your wants and needs in this too. Ofc you need to think of the children but it's your H who's done the damage, not you, so a lot of the fallout and "solutions" need to be on him. How is he going to mitigate the chaos he's caused? How is he going to support this change in the children's lives?

You will get through this. It's going to be horrible for a while but you will absolutely get through it. Let yourself mourn and process it on your terms - it's a terrible betrayal and a huge shock. I'm so sorry for you.

'Societal pressures' was an excuse 20-30 years ago. Not now.

ETA: so no, he does not deserve any compassion at all.

Either he is bisexual, and this is just an affair like any other, or he is gay and he has exploited the OP.

And what about upsetting you? This is all his problem to solve, and if his parents house is empty then the logical solution is for him to live there for a while. If alarming them factored into his thinking, then he should have thought about that before having an affair.

Tell him to grow a pair.

What nonsense excuses.

Tell him to tell them a lie if he doesn't want to tell the truth to them.

But they have a house they're not currently in?

So sorry OP, I really feel for you. Sounds like something from a bygone era when gay sex was illegal. I don't understand men who still get into marriages with women and children and do this when they can freely be themselves. Very sad.

I'm furious and disgusted that he's put your health at risk.

I'd say the affair ended badly because your H has probably gone behind his back with someone else (another man) and they've fallen out. Might be who he is staying with.

The fact that he has said he's uncontactable over Christmas when he's got children is another kick in the teeth. Horrible spineless idiot.

Absolutely not your problem - what did he expect when he did what he did. Invent a sick relative that Daddy has to care for or a cancelled flight if needs be, do what you need to do to create memories with your kids and get through it. He should have thought through the consequences before he acted. Not. Your. Problem.

I'm so angry on your behalf. The total disregard for your health is unfathomably selfish and disgusting. Everything crossed for you that all is ok.

I'd let him stay in the spare room for the children for a limited period of time to get through Christmas and then tell the children/families. You will need to coparent with him for what sounds like a long time.

I think in situations like this often men tried to be something they weren't due to societal pressures. He should not have cheated on you, that was wrong but I also think he has probably felt immense shame at who he is and that carries some extra compassion I think.

I'm really sorry this happened to you and your children. I wish you the very best.

Oh my goodness. So he's not only been having an affair with a married man, but he's been 'swinging' too. You absolutely need to get full STI tests asap. You can't guarantee that he's been using condoms.

Yes, I agree It's likely he's staying with someone who he's met during these 'hook-ups'. The not calling the children on Christmas Day comment, isn't so they don't get confused, but rather the fact he doesn't want to be interrupted. Have you asked him what he's planning on telling the children?! Or is telling them going to be your responsibility because he's too much of a coward?!

With regards to other people, don't cover for him. Tell your own family/friends and if he has siblings tell them too. I know it's hard, but you've done nothing wrong, and going forward you are going to need family support.

I'm sorry to say, but this affair and numerous 'swinging' that he's taken part in, I feel is the tip of the iceberg. I rather suspect he's been indulging in sex with men for a long time. Unfortunately, I don't think you will ever find out the whole truth.

Is this dark place a room at one of his swinging parties? Given how he’s treat OP I doubt whatever guilt or sadness he feels at being caught doesn’t outweigh his need for personal satisfaction.

Your DH is a pig and you need an STD check if hes been going to swinging parties.

Sounds like this isnt about him having feelings for someobe else this is about him clearly engaging with risky gay sex.

Im so sorry

OP, my heart is breaking for you, I'm so sorry x

I would suggest you get yourself STI tested OP (if you haven't arranged that already).
I'm so sorry.

Can people stop with the detailed instructions about what to do with the joint bank account 🙄

He might get his salary paid directly into the joint account, or he might have a standing order set up to pay into it, and their joint bills like mortgage and council tax might come out of the joint account via direct debit. If they jointly own the house and have a joint mortgage, they will continue to be jointly and severally liable for the mortgage until they finalise the divorce and financial settlement, whether he's living there or not.

Emptying and closing the joint bank account may or may not be a good idea at this point. It depends on a lot of information that none of us have. The OP might not even have full information about his finances.

You could consider letting him visit for a short period, say, just for part of the day if you think it’s safe and won’t cause you emotional harm. Otherwise, it’s completely reasonable to say he can’t stay under the same roof. You can create a plan for fun family time that still makes Christmas feel normal for the kids

I'd actually clear all of the money out of the joint account apply to close it and then bank transfer half of it back over to him. I'd type a text message to let him know as I was doing it, and ask to confirm the details of where it is to be sent. I'd say if I dont hear within 24hours I'll send it to xxxxxx and just set out whatever details you have for him as his main account. Take screenshots of each stage and then send them through once its done.

Pour all your energy into self care, and then creating a lovely day for your children.

And if you haven't already, pour half the contents of the joint account into your own account today. Refusing to tell you where he's going, planning two be several hours away from his children, and saying he won't be seeing the kids on Christmas day??? Let him pay for his mystery accommodation from his half.

Then get all the bills together and decide how much he is going to be paying to maintain your children's home.

Personally because I have a nasty streak I'd then message all family and friends with what he has done.

And make friends with the sidepiece's wife. She's probably the one person you (now) know who absolutely gets it. You may find talking it through with her will help you both form strategies for dealing with them.

Well thats not true at all. Bisexual people get married and stay faithful all the time.

It's a bit prejudiced to think bisexual people can't be faithful actually!

I'm loving your list of places he can stay. 😂

Can I please add one?

The bin

I think he should call his kids on Christmas Day. I cannot imagine him missing out on that, whatever he has done he shouldn’t make them suffer more than necessary

Agree with this- move at least half the money into an account in your name.

The other person's wife was brave to tell you and showed courage.
She must be suffering as well.
He is a coward to leave you with the children and explaining to them about why he is not present for them and getting their presents on Christmas Day.
But it is equally important to plan for the future and that means ensuring security for you and your children.
Right now getting Christmas out of the way first.
Create an alliance with the other woman she may be extremely helpful to you as you are both going through the same thing.
And look after you, self care is vital, your children need you.