Page 4 | Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

Lisawr · 2025-12-21T20:11:17+00:00

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work). The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake. I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

bigboykitty · 22/12/2025 21:37

Don't reply. This bastard has been planning and preparing. You need your own legal advice ASAP. No need to panic though (easy for me to say). His expectations are completely unreasonable, so don't think that's the starting point for negotiations. He wants to scare you. Let him wait. When you've sorted a solicitor, let him know it will be dealt with legally. Nothing more. What a cunt. I'm so sorry x

Gingercar · 22/12/2025 21:36

Well he’s back on his feet with a vengeance, isn’t he! I said he wouldn’t feel bad for long.
Of course youre blind sided. How could you not be. He’s as heartless as they come. What you do now is get a good team of friends and family around you. Tell them everything, lean on them. And get yourself some good legal advice. What he states he is expecting does not mean he is going to get it. You are the children’s stability. You are what’s best for them. He’s not even bothering to see them at Xmas - their first Xmas since your split and he’s dumping them for a better offer already. Don’t reply. Try to find out about his swinging etc from the other wife and gather up as much information re finances etc as you can. He’s already proven himself to be selfish as he can be. You owe him nothing! Heck I’d even consider ringing his parents on Xmas day with the kids and letting slip that he’s buggered off.

Whatnodule · 22/12/2025 21:33

I am so sorry this has all happened and especially just before Christmas.
definitely take legal advice before responding.
he is also trying to control the situation and is almost gaslighting you with telling you to “behave like adults…” completely trying to downplay this all

Original poster

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:32

I haven’t replied - wouldn’t know where to begin.

OP posts:

Itwasallyellow2 · 22/12/2025 21:29

Oh OP, you don’t have to reply to this email. In fact, if I were you I would say nothing at all. However I would be making an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible and let legal advice guide my actions.

Take control of the situation by only replying to him when you are ready and have sought advice. He cannot and must not dictate what you do next. The ball is in your court so take your time.

Original poster

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:29

IsThisLifeNow · 22/12/2025 21:27

Time to see a solicitor I think. I guess that'll be after Christmas at this point. It sounds like he has been to see one.

I would acknowledge his email but don't agree to anything or even comment on it. So he wants to be resident parent? How do you feel about 50/50 custody?

Edited

I’d hate not seeing them all the time but I don’t know if I’d have a choice? He has as much rights as me I assume. Yes he has definitely spoken to someone, that much is clear.

OP posts:

IsThisLifeNow · 22/12/2025 21:27

Time to see a solicitor I think. I guess that'll be after Christmas at this point. It sounds like he has been to see one.

I would acknowledge his email but don't agree to anything or even comment on it. So he wants to be resident parent? How do you feel about 50/50 custody?

Xmasxrackers · 22/12/2025 21:26

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:23

He has WhatsApp’d me to ask communication is via email and asked me to check my account.

He has sent a long, ‘officially’ worded email to me titled Divorce and set out a list of ‘demands’ which includes the fact he wants equally custody of the children and to buy me out of the house which will remain their ‘primary residence’. He does earn more money and expects a sizeable inheritance within the next 12-24 months given his fathers health situation. He makes no reference to what has happened and says he wants an amicable divorce for the kids’ sake and for us to behave like adults.

I am completely blindsided. I have no idea what to do.

Wow he’s put some thought into that! OP don’t do anything right now. You need time to process this. The fact that he’s not even going to contact his children on Christmas Day to me speaks volumes

Original poster

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:23

He has WhatsApp’d me to ask communication is via email and asked me to check my account.

He has sent a long, ‘officially’ worded email to me titled Divorce and set out a list of ‘demands’ which includes the fact he wants equally custody of the children and to buy me out of the house which will remain their ‘primary residence’. He does earn more money and expects a sizeable inheritance within the next 12-24 months given his fathers health situation. He makes no reference to what has happened and says he wants an amicable divorce for the kids’ sake and for us to behave like adults.

I am completely blindsided. I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:

Hollietree · 22/12/2025 21:18

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

Absolute bullshit. Not one single person would ever think that not being available to even speak to their children on FaceTime (for even 5 minutes) on Christmas Day is in a child’s best interest. That he claims this is in the children’s best interests is frankly insulting, abhorrent and selfish. And that fact he think you will fall for this lie is ludicrous.

He has plans now on Christmas Day that he doesn’t want interrupted by having to FaceTime his children. Plans that serve his own interests. And he is coming up with ridiculous lies that try to paint him as some guy who is just thinking of the children’s best interests. What a hero 🙄

Whatever happens going forwards, know that he is a selfish man who put his own desires above his children’s best interests.

cheeseandbranston · 22/12/2025 20:56

Don’t let him sleep in your house. You’ll spend the nice year trying to get him out again. You’ll spend most establish absolute boundaries as the norm while everyone is still in shock. He will need to stay in a travel lodge but can come for the day.

never let him sleep in your house again. Once he’s got over the shock he’ll start seeing himself as the victim and resent that you are breaking up with him, and will be much harder to deal with.
categorically never stays in the house again, without any debate.

Sometimeswinning · 22/12/2025 20:55

Su9 · 22/12/2025 20:15

In fact my mistake, it somehow agitated here. But mine was a response to the man dragging out the whole day re his family trip to his parents.
...
In both cases, gay dad and the road trip visit dad, I was responding to well meaning but unhelpful comments were about throwing the man's clothes on the street or going off on a vacation without the husband etc.
..
Either way..
I'm not saying any thing about onus on woman.
Simply realistic that when things calm down, it's important that dad, kids and grandparents maintain rel.

No, no. It was clear what you meant.

SwingTheMonkey · 22/12/2025 20:36

BadgernTheGarden · 22/12/2025 20:32

He can find his own lodgings or a hotel. If you are OK with it he can come over on Xmas day to see the kids, not sure I would have him for dinner.

OK he doesn't want to great!

Edited

Why don’t people read OP’s updates? The husband doesn’t want to have anything to do with his family on Xmas day now, he’s booked a few days away.

BadgernTheGarden · 22/12/2025 20:32

He can find his own lodgings or a hotel. If you are OK with it he can come over on Xmas day to see the kids, not sure I would have him for dinner.

OK he doesn't want to great!

cooksbrandedclock · 22/12/2025 20:26

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

Pound to a penny he will be on some Tinder chem sex, sex party hook up.

SwingTheMonkey · 22/12/2025 20:18

Su9 · 22/12/2025 20:15

In fact my mistake, it somehow agitated here. But mine was a response to the man dragging out the whole day re his family trip to his parents.
...
In both cases, gay dad and the road trip visit dad, I was responding to well meaning but unhelpful comments were about throwing the man's clothes on the street or going off on a vacation without the husband etc.
..
Either way..
I'm not saying any thing about onus on woman.
Simply realistic that when things calm down, it's important that dad, kids and grandparents maintain rel.

Come again?

Su9 · 22/12/2025 20:15

In fact my mistake, it somehow agitated here. But mine was a response to the man dragging out the whole day re his family trip to his parents.
...
In both cases, gay dad and the road trip visit dad, I was responding to well meaning but unhelpful comments were about throwing the man's clothes on the street or going off on a vacation without the husband etc.
..
Either way..
I'm not saying any thing about onus on woman.
Simply realistic that when things calm down, it's important that dad, kids and grandparents maintain rel.

CinnamonBuns67 · 22/12/2025 19:35

I'd tell him you really don't want him to stay under the same roof as you and he's to ask his parents, I'd tell him either he asks or you will and you won't be hiding the truth from them. However as shit as it is you can't stop him coming back as legally it's his house too.

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 19:25

fashionqueen0123 · 22/12/2025 19:00

Good grief how can she stand to have him in the house

Show quote history

She might not be able or ready to have her ducks in row. She might need time and if she plays along she can get the time.

MauveLibrary · 22/12/2025 19:19

He is a revolting piece of excrement and a hideous waste of oxygen. Focus on getting yourself and the children through Christmas and then file for divorce.
https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce
See if you can get an appointment with a solicitor booked and remember to get copies of payslips / pensions etc and file a CMS claim as well.

Get a divorce

Check you can get a divorce, agree or disagree with a divorce application, what to do if your husband or wife lacks mental capacity.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

fashionqueen0123 · 22/12/2025 19:00

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 15:28

I’ve had a reply from the other women who has confirmed her H is staying at hers on Christmas Day. So my H isn’t going to be with him.

However she did add that her H has ‘revealed all’ in an attempt to win her trust back. And he said that they’d regularly meet up with other men, including couples, to ‘hook up’. So there’s every chance my H has made friends within that and is with one (or more) of them when he goes away.

Good grief how can she stand to have him in the house

buymeflowers · 22/12/2025 18:44

I commented earlier and I wanted to come back to say please do lean on your family and friends for support. Please tell them exactly what’s happened. They will hold you up, I honestly don’t know how you are managing to get your head off the pillow each day. This is a monumental betrayal. It won’t feel like it now and it won’t feel like it for some time (I’ve been there) but there is a better life waiting for you. A life of peace and love. How he has behaved, you may never understand it but that’s a good thing, because it means you are not like him, you can’t relate to his vile behaviour. Get therapy as soon as possible. Listen to Lily Allen’s new album. So many of us have been there.

IsThisLifeNow · 22/12/2025 18:42

Su9 · 22/12/2025 18:03

In a homophobic world it may seem most our many gays are promiscuous, it's the worst form of betrayal etc.
Bottom line, he's the kids' dad and it's in their interest to have a good or even average dad in their lives.

Oh do fuck off. If the OP's husband had been doing the same with multiple women it'd still be abhorrent behaviour. It's not homophobic to be pissed off at what her husband has done just because he was shagging men

IsThisLifeNow · 22/12/2025 18:39

I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad he's not around for christmas, but what an absolute selfish arsehole for not wanting to speak to his kids on Christmas day. It'll confuse them?

Surely it's more confusing not to speak to them? But at least he's not being around I guess.

My STBExH Came out in April this year and its been an awful year. We are still living together for the sake of the kids, they are 4 and 7, while the house sells, but I'm getting desperate now to get my own space away from him.

MCF86 · 22/12/2025 18:32

Su9 · 22/12/2025 18:03

In a homophobic world it may seem most our many gays are promiscuous, it's the worst form of betrayal etc.
Bottom line, he's the kids' dad and it's in their interest to have a good or even average dad in their lives.

It doesn't matter about most, or what is or isn't homophobia - HE has been promiscuous and basically living a double life. That is indeed the worst sort of betrayal.
Giving OP space to process this is probably the best way to make sure there is a chance of co parenting well down the line.