Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

I wouldn’t ignore it completely, in case that prompts him to take some sort of action, like turn up on the door step demanding to see the children etc. If you tell him you’ll respond after seeking legal advice, you’ve given him a response that no Judge could criticise and you’re telling him that there will be a response in due course, rather than letting him think he needs to send the estate agents round on Boxing Day to value the house because you’re ignoring him.

While you're waiting to talk to a solicitor, have a look at these guides; they're very helpful:

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/get-help/family-and-children/child-arrangements/sorting-out-child-arrangements

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/get-help/family-and-children/divorce-and-separation/sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

Reply by email, acknowledging receipt and advising that you will respond once you have had an opportunity to seek legal advice. Nothing more than that. Don’t lower yourself to answering the pathetic comments about acting like adults; don’t let him goad you into saying something in writing that you might regret later. And definitely don’t say anything in response to any of his demands. He could demand full custody with you popping in each morning to cook them all breakfast, if he likes. It certainly doesn’t mean that’ll be happening. Scream into your pillow if you need to, but be coldly professional with him. This man is not the man you thought was your loving husband. He is a duplicitous stranger and must be treated as such.

My heart breaks for you, I’m so bloody sorry. You need support. Who is in your life you can rely on? Family? Friends? This is too much for you to cope with on your own.

Don't reply to any messages or emails from him. I personally would try and get some legal advice for yourself and await to see if he instructs a solicitor. His emails and messages are just to frighten you. Just remember you are the injured party not him! You are probably entitled to a lot more like a financial settlement, half of his inheritance and his pension as well as half the house value. Sit tight and keep strong.

He is an absolute wanker!!

Wow, he’s a CF!
Don't reply, get advice from a solicitor.
Get ready to fight. Your kids need that from you. xxx

It's not about his "rights", it is (or should be) about what's in the best interests of the children. If it ended up in court, that's what the judge would focus on.

How old are the children? You said they're very young. Who has been the primary carer until now? Do you both work full-time?

My advice is to send him a brief reply telling him that you'll seek legal advice after Christmas and reply properly after that. And perhaps offer mediation - that should be the first step and may help you avoid court.

Please don’t reply. Get a solicitor as others have said before you do anything and keep documented evidence as much as you can. He gets more vile with every post, how dare he use your children as a weapon and what nonsense about wanting the best for them, he clearly doesn’t give a fuck about any of you. Family court will not look favourably on his lifestyle though op.

I wonder what the ‘might he be planning to hurt himself’ brigade are thinking now 🙄

Why can’t he stay with his boyfriend?

What a tosser. Uses you to have DC then abandons you.

He has had advice from someone. He wants everything by mail so there is a paper trail.
50/50 is the standard “get out of any financial contribution card”
If he goes away for work frequently he will not be able to do 50/50
Realistically who does the parenting ? Including, school runs, clubs, doctors & dentists, birthday partys, homework?
He has already fucked off to an undefined destination & says he wont be calling his DC over Christmas.
He has already hung himself re the 50/50 adult amicable divorce

This screams someone who has lost control of everything in their life so now is turning nasty.
He was happy to keep playing the married man for the last year, happy to be intimate with you, happy to keep his dirty little secret then all of a sudden, boyfriend's wife has found out, he's lost the boyfriend and it seems he's going to remain with his wife, he's then lost his own family and he's suddenly realised that all of this actually wasn't worth it. He's gained nothing but lost everything therefore he's decided to try gain back some control and turn nasty.
Ignore his email, try enjoy your Christmas with your kids, seek legal advice but wait for the court papers. Let's face it, if he cared enough about those kids he wouldn't have torn their life apart so brutally and definitely wouldn't be happy to not speak to them on Christmas Day so he definitely doesn't want them 50/50..It's hard to make sense of it but he can't handle blaming himself for the distruction so he's coming for you now to try and hurt you. Keep your head held high, you haven't done anything wrong. If you're forced into a position to have to say something I would respond every single time and say 'contact me through your solicitor' and nothing more. If he wants to spend thousands to hurt you then let him but don't be bullied by a weasel of a 'man' that's got absolutely nothing to show for all of this at the end of it. X

Also keep all the evidence of the affair and make sure you speak to your own family and they know the truth.

Shut down all communication until you’ve spoken to a solicitor. You need legal advice. The fact he’s trying to set the rules and asking you to behave like an adult is laughable. He’s trying to control you and do damage control.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's told a good friend or even his parents a pack of lies about why you are splitting up and they've advised him to start the proceedings. No way has he been honest.

I just can't understand how someone can blow up their entire lives and then act so coldly immediately after. He's got an absolute nerve asking for radio silence over Christmas whilst also demanding 50/50! Just unreal

Just no. He doesn't get to decide how and when you communicate now, what a fucking cheek.. I would message him back on WhatsApp saying you would prefer no communication and all emails will be deleted unread.

I have to say, I think by this point I’d be letting his parents know he’d left the family home because he’d been having an affair with another man.

Man that email would hurt. I'm so sorry.

I'd be telling his parents through text. F him. If he wants to play hard and cold and factual ('like adults') then lay out the facts of what has happened and tell people.

Yes. Don’t respond until you have legal advice

He's played god with your health OP. I really hope you get the all clear. Unforgivable.
I'd also tell his parents.
I know the timing is awful but that woman has done you a massive favour. He would never have told you.
I hope you have good friends to lean on.

Yes, exactly this. He is starting to change the narrative as though he is of exemplary character and capable of being a mature adult. Fact is, you know the truth: he is weak. He has likely sought advice in order to be in control of what comes next but the important thing to remember OP is that he can’t actually control everything in this situation. You can get advice and support too and you will have choices about your future.

This man is a liar and a cheat. He is weak. Remember that!

It’s amazing how quickly they can change once the mask drops. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have anything new to add. Just as others have said - gather everyone around you that can offer support and get legal advice.

Don’t responded till you have legal advice his trying to go for main residential parent. He wants the family home but want it to remain the children’s main home.

Get your paperwork together and all
proof you can if you being the main care giver. See if the other poor wife’s husband can get you evidence of him Financing any of this men’s trips.

I would thank him for laying out his wishes, pointing out that despite dropping this bombshell on you a couple of days ago he appears to have given his needs some thought. I would then firmly say that you will be seeking legal advice on the best way forward for the dc, and have no desire to discuss anything while it is still raw. He
will need to wait before throwing you out of your home and moving his boyfriend in.

In the meantime the current arrangements would appear to be the best thing for the dc as they maintain the status quo. Remind him that they are used to him not being there due to his frequent work trips (that match the dates he saw his boyfriend). Tell him he is welcome to call the dc on Christmas day between x time (that suits you) but other than that, you do not want any contact until x date in the New Year that suits you.

If i was in your shoes he could fuck right off. He cheated, and destroyed your marriage. He doesn't get to call the shots.

I suspect you are probably in shock still, but find your anger, cold calculating fury with a slow boil for the long haul rather than short and explosive will help get you through.

@Lamsji8372

He can't write emails saying what he likes but none of it you have to agree to.