Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

Don’t even respond. Let him stew. Get professional advice.

If you must respond, only ask your solicitor to contact him to ask for his solicitors details.

Well, he can ask for all that, but the Family Court will decide. And you get to say what you want.

Sounds like he’s trying to have his cake and eat it with demanding 50/50 care of DC. Has he always been hands on? Does he do 50% of the household work, mental labour, and childcare/raising his DC?

Well most people I know share finances as a married couple, so any expense like this would affect them both equally.

I agree with others who say either give no response to his email or a very brief acknowledgement: “Noted. I will respond in the new year”. Give him absolutely nothing more than that. He’s trying to intimidate you because he is scared he’s going to lose everything. And so he should be. Be unemotional and factual with him. Don’t give him any indication that you are devastated, distressed, worried or anxious. Be cool, calm and collected with him. If your work has access to free counselling then arrange some sessions in the new year just as an opportunity to talk things through with someone and for your own support.

Now is the time to look after yourself and don’t give him another thought. Every time you think of him, redirect that energy to yourself.

He’s a bloody idiot but, worse than that, he is a bloody mess. You don’t need this idiot in your life. He is going to launch from disaster to disaster now. You don’t have to be part of his ongoing crises. Focus on you. Years from now you will be very glad you did 💐

Why would she be paying for his hotel?

I've been thinking about this through the night and I don't even know you, I'm just so sorry this has happened to you and your children.
I actually don't agree with some others though that he's had legal advice, he was crying to you a few hours ago and I don't believe for one second he planned to tell you at all. I think he would have just carried on in secret with various men so I don't actually believe he intended for divorce and to leave you. I think the loss of control and the fact you haven't sobbed and begged for him back has made him desperate and finally having to face what he's about to lose so he is trying to frighten you. The fact he's told you he will be two hours away on Christmas Day and uncontactable hasn't put the fear of god into you like he expected, and it's made him realise that maybe people don't worship the ground he walks on as much as he thinks so he's pissed off.
The checklist of things is there... the the title of the email 'divorce', then the threatening of taking the children 50/50, the threat of taking your house, all of these things are the most important things to you so he's using them to gain some power back.
Give him absolutely nothing, no emotion, no conversation, go silent. He will try with his next tactic, likely on Christmas Day when he's on his own in a hotel room feeling desperate, but you've got everyone you need on Christmas Day so turn your phone off. Don't give him a scrap of power!! X

This sounds awful, OP. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and do hope you have some RL support.

In the meantime, I would recommend getting your thread moved to the relationship board.

I would try and find out if any of the gatherings he has attended have been Chemsex parties. These can go on for days.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

OP - I have read your post about him going away - your H is just morally bankrupt. Rather than trying to spend the next few days apologising for turning your life upside down and requesting time with his children over Christmas, he has once again put his own needs first. All those messages on here advising you not to let him back or refusing him Christmas Dinner were in vain as he obviously has had a better offer from his Gay/Bi/Open relationship couples. I think that he is being a real CF to say he is not contactable. He is still the father of your children and should be contactable always, in the event of an emergency. I do not want to add any distress to your already ongoing nightmare, but I had a few male friends who were gay, but one pair were really outrageous as both went out, sometimes separately, sometimes together, trawling nightclubs and choosing the roughest looking bloke they could find (usually straight) and would offer money for the bloke to go back to their house for sex. I was really shocked when they told me and I must say it rather put me off them. Being Gay did not bother me at all, but the fact of what they did actually do with the men, which I don't wish to talk about except to say that they seemed to go further every time they picked up a bloke - they went into detail, which I won't, suffice to say I stopped seeing them as much as I used to. I'm glad you are getting a check up for HIV/Hepatitis/STI as the risk is really high and some of them inject drugs - sexual stimulants and may share needles . Those particular friends both died of Aids and quite a few other of my friends from 70s, 80s and 90s have died since. Another friend I had who was single living in London, kept me entertained with his antics and I was in stitches sometimes as his stories were so funny. He wrote twice a week and I always worried about him picking up a serial killer as he was so promiscuous. Unfortunately a lot of Gay men are promiscuous. I know loads of single men and some in relationships can sleep around. Straight men can be unfaithful I know, but I have had loads of male Gay friends and they just did not seem to think sleeping around was a big deal. A few I knew were faithful but they were in their 50s, 60s so may have got any fantasies out of their system and they tended to stick with the same partner. I'm only telling you this in the event he tried to wear you down with pleas of it was something he had to get out of his system and it is you he really loves. It is up to you what you decide to do but personally, and only my pov, he won't change as the risky sex is too big a deal for him to give up. I'm so sorry and just hope you can get through the next few days and then you can decide what legal route is the best for you. Take care.

This right here shows he is not the reliable, primary parent he is going to pretend to be. He is just swanning off and not contactable and not speaking to his children over Christmas. You are at home taking care of the children all this time without his help. That matters. I would make sure your solicitor notes that he has form for this. If there is an emergency he just isn't reachable and has effectively abandoned his children over the holidays. What a dick.

What a wanker thinking he can gaslight and manipulate you into conceding rights in the divorce, implying your behaviour will be childish and trivialising what he has done.

If he planned to tell you after xmas then he had an exit plan worked out in advance and an idea of living arrangements.

Reply to the email stating that as he has been sleeping with other men (and likely multiple with the information you have) you intend to get an STI check.

Then give him the name of your solicitor and state that you will not be conceding to any of his demands via email and that he should arrange for his solicitor to contact yours to get financial settlement underway. All future contact will be that way.

Take control and dont let him!!

Then ring his parents and tell them what has happened. It will maybe speed up that inheritance a bit! You dont have to keep his secrets.

This all sounds hideous but you need to see a solicitor. This man is just thinking about himself, and no, he won’t be committing suicide.

It would be awkward if you divorced him, but in your shoes I would start the process as it gives you some control.

Btw I don’t know what your husband is like day to day OP but no one ever gets better in a divorce so just expect him to get worse. This man doesn’t sound guilty, he sounds sneaky. You need to see a lawyer.

Makes you wonder why she decided to blow your marriage up if she likes her own lifestyle too much to leave her own husband for sleeping with other men. Nobody is that financially dependent on someone that they would stay in a marriage like that. It has to be the lifestyle she doesn’t want to give up.

Don’t worry too much about the 50/50 thing at this stage. Men always say they want equal custody but when they realise that means making sacrifices with work and money or not being able to date people they soon decide every other weekend will suit them better.

I'd not bother to answer at all until after Christmas. You owe him absolutely nothing, so no need to rush to make his life easier. I'd also not be covering up the reason we split if others asked either.
After that message, he could go to hell. I'd be making sure I got every single penny I deserved and he could get fucked if he thought I'd be amicable with someone who had been knowingly putting me at risk of STDs for months. I'd actually put money on him changing his mind about the 50/50 when it sinks in he actually has to have his kids for half the time. It's something frequently trotted out in divorce threats to make the mum feel scared and give in to other demands easily. He's been brewing in his hotel thinking up ways to brazen his way through his terrible behaviour and try to bully you into keeping your mouth shut about what he's been doing. Prick.

Poor woman! If he has confessed everything, it sounds like he is wanting to make his marriage work? If that is the case, a safe presumption is that your (soon to be ex) husband was the predator? If so, this won’t have been his first extra marital relationship and he has probably been having hook ups for years?

It may not seem like it now but you are well rid. At the back of his mind he has been planning all along to do the dirty on you.

PLEASE heed the advice here to totally blank his latest pompous self-entitled communication to you. Do not respond at all. You need urgent legal advice. The next thing he should receive from you should be a letter/email from your solicitor, setting out your terms.

BTW, If you find he has infected you with anything, this could potentially be classed as assault.

Do you have in writing his statement that he is going radio silent over Christmas and doesn't wish to see the children? Because it would be interesting to see how that goes down in mediation or family court should he continue to demand 50/50 with the children.

He doesn't get to just decide how things will be and then tell you what's going to happen. As others have suggested, politely acknowledge his email (Dear Dave, I acknowledge receipt of your email dated XX below and will respond fully once I have sought legal advice. Regards, Name).

Don't let him tell you that you can divorce without a lawyer because it will be easier/less expensive/it's not necessary/you're making it acrimonious. You need and deserve legal advice.

How old are your dc?

They’ll go super quiet!

They were never there for the op. She’s a woman. It’s easier to back a man.

if you're good at form-filling, you could start the divorce now:
Get a divorce: How to apply - GOV.UK

Sending you so much love and strength. You’re the one in control here even if it doesn’t feel like it in this moment 💛

I’ve recently separated from my partner of 20 years and let me assure you it does get easier. You’ll have many moments of being blindsided and wondering how you’ll deal with things but you can and you will.

At this stage it seems he’s trying to control the narrative because he’s lost control of his life. My partner got pretty nasty with me fairly quickly and doubled down on the emotional and financial abuse I left him for. He tried to flip the script and make it seem like my own actions led to his behaviour. It was tortuous but play him at his own shitty game.

1. Don’t reply (or just acknowledge receipt) and contact a few solicitors to get independent advice
2. Consider speaking with Citizens Advice or Women’s Aid
3. Tell family and friends because you’ll need people you can lean on

He can’t force you out of the marital home just because he earns more. Suggesting 50/50 and making his home their main residence is fucking laughable given he’s just abandoned his kids for Christmas.

Keep your cards close to your chest. The swinging and putting your health at risk will need to be documented at some point because it shows his cavalier and uncaring attitude. What a wanker.

An official sounding letter could just as easily be an AI (ChatGPT) as any kind of legal advice, hard to know (look for any USA-style terms).

How realistic is the 50/50 during a normal school week? If it's close to impossible you could say, OK, you look after them w/c 12 January, than I'll do w/c 19 January, and so on. ( If that's possible, then maybe not! )

Suggestion of 50/50 is doubtless a tactic to avoid paying child support and to argue for keeping the house. Best to delay and take advice, though by all means send some kind of note of acknowledgment. Also keep good copies of recent correspondence (e.g. no interest in kids at Xmas), and details of accounts/pensions if you have them.

Would suggest you need to keep every single piece of communication and put it into chronological order.
Put a timeline together of events.
Do this now as there is alot happening and you may forget.
Include the detail of conversations you have had with other woman.
Make sure you have evidence if how much he earns at this point, this will be useful for your financial settlement.
Don't agree to anything right now.
He wants everything in email as he is creating a file too so this is a reason to be careful what you put in emails because it will come back at a later date. Try to be civil as much as possible.

@Lisawr take time to reply. Never respond ‘reactively’. I mean, don’t panic. Take stock. Look into your joint finances, his pension provision, everything. Don’t feel rushed into a response. You can divorce him if you prefer.