Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

Sounds like a him problem.

That really isn't going to happen unless there is actual evidence he's a danger to OP / the children, which there isn't.

Therefore there is nothing OP can do to keep him out of the house - presuming he owns half of it / is on the tenancy.

If he is refusing to go, then the only options available to OP are to leave with the kids (not a good option I'd suggest) or to get through the next week.

That's just bollocks...
he knows it (and you know it).

it makes zero difference if he does it on the phone now or in 4 weeks.
news is news.
Fil's health condition isnt changing anytime soon and he is well enough to travel abroad....

"Dave you need to tell them your marriage is ending and you need somewhere to stay so can can you pop to theirs for Christmas. If you dont or wont... I will call them and they can contact you after. You cannot stay in this house."

Agree with others this man isnt your friend and dont expect him to be fair or decent in the divorce.

Hes betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible and is massively minimising already

Also please get an STI test. I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. 💐

OP can apply to the courts for an emergency occupation order to compel him to leave. While adultery isn’t a reason for issuing such an order, if he’s been having unprotected gay sex with another partner for a year without telling the OP he’s put her health at risk and the courts will consider whether he represents an ongoing risk to her or any children resident in the house.

Oh boohoo for him, he should have thought about that before he betrayed you!

Kick him out. Kick this scumbag piece of shit OUT! Please. For your own sake.

It’s not your problem where he goes. Please don’t let him guilt trip you into letting him stay in the house. He doesn’t deserve any type of kindness or help from you.

Health concerns of your FIL are not going to improve in the near future. But in the very near future you are going to be separating and eventually divorcing. It's no odds knowing now, or in a couple of weeks' time. Seasonal guilt is also not your business: Your PIL's loss of festive fun is not your circus, not your monkeys. That's your husband's fault.

Yes, he can legally stay at your shared house, but given what's happened - you won't, will you, soon-to-be-ex DH?

Absolutely not, protect yourself. He is selfish and will manipulate to get his way. Yes, this is sad for the kids that's a reality...that's his doing.

I agree with the PPs who say don't let him back in - he can stay in his parents house and be their problem when they get back. I know a couple who split after he had an affair, he didn't move out till divorce settled but used to bring other women back sometimes - so don't expect your ex to behave decently.

If his parents don't have a ring doorbell he can just go to stay without telling them, if he wants to wait till after Christmas. If they would know he was in the house- or he doesn't want to stay in theirs without telling them, he can tell them you've been arguing and having some space. He can keep the bombshell that he's been cheating for a year till after Xmas if he wants.

Don't expect him to be decent in the split. The fact that he's saying it was just physical makes it sound like he's already downplaying what he did, he'll start to blame you for being so unreasonable as to kick him out, so I think you get him out now, and let him come around on Christmas day.

This is an awful thing to happen, so sorry.

In the minority here but I’d be inclined, given the sparse choices you have, to let him stay on the sofa/spare room, despite the terrible burden this will be on you. I don’t underestimate how hard this will be, and continue to look at plan b options, especially how soon he can go elsewhere. If he said you’d a leak/broken boiler in your house, and needed to stay at his parents, would that be a way to not alarm them but get you out of the fix?

Don’t let him back.

How you behave now will set the tone for the rest of your new relationship.

The precise words you need are “This is not my problem, I am sure you’ll think of something.”

I think he’s trying to get back into the house to be on his best behaviour over christmas, in the hope that he will wear you down so you’ll give things another chance “for the kids” until his head is turned again.

He could go to his parents and tell
them you’re just having a bit of space surely. And personally if you’ve got young kids better to make the break now rather than have him back, then gone again.

Longer term of course you need a plan but for the time being you need space on your own with your kids. He will have to reap what he has sown.

Which is probably the most important of the many reasons you shouldn’t let him stay. You need time and space to process all of this at your own pace. He hasn’t been truthful about his sexuality, he’s put your health at risk from his infidelity and you’ve had to hear the truth from someone else. That’s an awful lot to deal with OP. I really feel for you.

Presumably he owns half the house / his name is on the tenancy. If this is the case then you can't keep him out of the house if he doesn't want to go.

For the sake of the children I'd let him stay in the spare room for Christmas and then in the new year take steps to legally separate / move etc.

Cheeky bastard, drops that bombshell on you, but tells you he doesnt want to worry his parents? I'd laugh if it wasn't so horrific. He goes to his parent's place. He can tell them what he bloody wants, clearly he's a good liar. Why should family money be used for a hotel? If you can stomach it, let him come early to do presents and Christmas day but ONLY for the sake of the kids, assuming they are old enough to notice he's not there? Then Xmas night, as soon as they are in bed, show him the door. Make sure you get support IRL ❤

This.

And I don’t want to add to your load…but one thing that sometimes gets overlooked after someone has been cheating is sexual health. Please get checked out.

I’d say very very firmly that if he didn’t want to alarm his parents or spoil Christmas for his kids maybe he shouldn’t have been fucking other people and he can tell his mum and stay at his parents or I can tell his mum and say I’m kicking him out and he won’t like at all what I have to say about him. He isn’t working very hard to show you he’s sorry is he?

It’s difficult for us strangers not to go completely knee jerk here OP. However, I think him being more concerned about upsetting his parents when he has turned your and your children’s lives upside down and inside out is the action of a complete bastard.

My only suggestion is to be as strong as you can be and tell him that he will not be staying to play happy families and he needs to man up and tell his parents (honestly) why he needs to stay at their house, and if he doesn’t you will.

If you cave in and let him back to play happy families he’ll use that wedge.

He’s an adult. He’s made his choices,

Now he needs to deal with them.

You have your children and yourself to worry about.

Do what’s best for you. Like he has done.

Just to say that him spending money for a hotel is basically spending YOUR and your children's money, when it comes to dividing assets. Fine if you think that's the best use of your joint money.

Parents' house or he can fork out for a hotel. Lunch on the day with you and the kids if you can bear it.

Pretty awkward if you are both named in the tenancy / mortgage / deeds. I also think he might refuse to leave once you let him in, they get less apologetic once they realise it’s over. Although (and this is awful but what he did is awful) you do have a smoking gun in that I doubt he’s ready for everyone to know he’s been shagging a man just yet. I would push back if you can.

If he planned to tell you after Christmas, that implies that he has an escape plan prepared. Tell him to bring it forward and use it. You’ll never get him out of the spare room and he’ll live out of it like a teenage lodger, coming and going as he pleases while you look after the house and the kids.

It's not your issue really he choose to cheat and do this

I’m afraid I would say he can tell his parents whatever he wants and stay there or alternatively I could tell PIL the whole sordid truth and he can still stay there.

Legally he can live in the house of course as in the eyes of the law, he owns half of it. Morally it’s a horrible for you to have to absorb this and live with him. He should just tell his parents you’re having marital problems and he will explain when they are home. Clearly he will want to avoid doing that but lets face it, people are going to find out. So sorry this is happening. So awful.