Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

He can stay in a hotel/air B n B. It’s not your problem. Definitely don’t let him back. Vile man.

Oh and he's put your health at risk by having sexual relations with another person. Get a full STI screening.

He doesn't want to go to his parents, because he doesn't want them to find out he's been shagging a man.

He wants you to provide free childcare, housework and play happy families and sleep with men behind your back.

This will continue OP. Don't waste your youth on this man. He will eventually accept his sexuality and up and leave you when the kids are grown.

You deserve more than this.

So rather than tell you he needed space to experiment and find himself he decided to have a full blown affair with a man behind your back and the only reason you know about it at all is because it went sour and the other guy’s wife told you?

With respect if this hadn’t went sour it could have went on for years. And for all you know there were other men before this one. You have no reason to trust him and he has shown you absolutely zero respect. He isn’t even taking accountability for how he has treat you - he is only trying to reason his choices.

No, he can find his own place to stay through Christmas. The kids will have a much better time if you’re not tense and upset in his presence. When they’re older he can explain that it was his fault he wasn’t there. Because it is. He made his bed when he shagged a man in it behind your back.

What an awful situation I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
It's easy to give opinions when you aren't in the situation and it's even worse when it's such a shock and naturally, you don't fall out of love with your husband in that split second of finding out, you're still thinking of how he feels over Christmas because it hasn't sunk in yet for you. I think once it hits you, you'll hate him for what he's done..
I think my thoughts are that your husband didn't give a single shit about your kids when he was having this affair. He hasn't made a drunken mistake, he's carried this on for a full year and conveniently was going to tell you after Christmas after you already found out? Coming home to you and your children but not feeling enough guilt to end it with either you or the other man? Honestly, you shouldn't give a f**k where he is at Christmas, your children are young, the excitement of Christmas will very quickly make them forget their dad is 'working'. Then by next Christmas, you'll have already done one without him and it won't feel so tough. Start their Christmas memories as they're going to be going forward. If they're young they won't remember a time of him being there at Christmas. Kids are so resilient, a lot more than adults. They don't have that 'Christmas is family time' feeling like we do, they probably won't think of him at all amongst all the excitement!
However, if it's more for you and not your kids then just do what you need to do to get through it and face it afterwards.
The one thing you absolutely DON'T do is have him there for 'him'. He doesn't deserve a scrap of compassion from you. You owe him nothing, just like he felt he owed nothing to you and your kids for the last year.
whatever you do I hope you find some happiness where you can this year and remember that however you feel now, next year at this time you will be so much further in your healing journey xx

This. Learn this phrase off by heart and be a broken record. You don't need to think about what to say (and your mind will be busy enough as it is), so just say this.

I am so sorry you're going through this. You and your children really need some space in order to process this.
He's an absolute wanker. He made the choice to cheat and deceive you, now he will have to deal with the fallout.

He’s playing you, pulling strings.
He was going to tell you (course he was!)
It was purely physical (yeah right)
He was just experimenting (erm, nope)
Hes got nowhere else to go (he has, this is just easier for him..)

Turn it round on him. Tell him you’re reeling, totally repulsed by his actions and disgusted at him. Tell him you’re only just managing to put one foot in front of the other and hold it together for the kids. Tell him that living in the same house as him will be unbearable. Tell him you need him to stay away until you’ve got your head around things. Tell him he owes you that after he’s blown the family apart. Keep phrasing everything with a “because of what you did” and keep turning the guilt key, because guilt won’t last long, and he’ll be going down the “it’s my house” route soon. Put pressure on while you can. Tell him he needs to tell his parents because the marriage is over (…because of what he did). Tell him you won’t be hiding it from people.

And his answer to that was an affair?
Not sitting down to have a discussion with you as two grown ups in a loving relationship. An affair...
And now he is trying to justify it by saying it didn't mean anything and he didn't have time to experiment. As is this makes the betrayal any better! That's a classic example of a man not taking any accountability.

In hope you gave him an earful.

That's bull, I got with my OH at 22 and haven't been having lesbian sex behind his back.

I feel as though I haven’t had much sexual experience before getting married…so you know what? BEFORE we got married we talked about it with a view to me being able to explore this within our marriage. Because I’m a mature adult! I’m not hiding any affairs anywhere. What a dick.

Suggesting Blackmail? This is criminal offence, bad advice to op

Ps advice up thread threatening to tell all if he doesn’t stay out of the house - that is black mail, potentially a hate crime and potentially considered emotional abusive so don’t do that (especially not in writing!)

Get a sti test

This is so awful for you
legally, despite the cheating, he has as much right to be in the marital home as you do though so be careful how you word things to him, as soon as he talks to a lawyer he’ll be advised to move back in to help him with finances and also to ensure you’re not the sole caregiver , which would give him a greater claim to 5050 childcare

I’m not well up on the modern terminology but isn’t this Gaslighting ? If you wait around a few minutes OP, it’ll all be your fault won’t it ?

He had a post-Christmas plan so he can implement that now.

Also, make an appointment for a sexual health check.

I'd tell him he needs to find somewhere, or you'll ask his parents if you can use their house while they're away - but you will be telling them why. (That doesn't have to be outing him, just "can me and DC stay at your house? H has been having an affair and I don't want DC around the current atmosphere, but he won't leave")

You can't stop him living in his own house. You can't change the locks

I'm assuming the house is jointly owned/rented

Prioritise yourself and your children. You don’t have to play happy families.

I doubt he was going to tell you about this affair 'after Christmas' if he had no plans to leave you. It sounds like he wanted to have both the secret life and the family life, and is now trying to manipulate you into thinking it's all your fault the game is up. He can stay in a hotel, it's not your problem anymore.

He’s full of shit. Tell him to find a Travel Lodge.

Not really. It’s as much his house

I was in a similar situation. Found out my husband was having an affair just before Christmas. Our son was newborn so luckily he didn't know what Christmas was and I took him to stay at my parents house for two weeks to make sure I was well enough (I was distraught and heartbroken) to care for him and breastfeed him. I let my ex stay in the family home while I was away which was a big mistake as when I got back he refused to leave, got violent and police were involved. Set your boundaries now and stick with them, it will benefit your children in the long term.

Exactly. Everyone spouting off here seem to be ignoring the fact that he has as much legal right to stay in the house as the OO does.

it’s tough but the law doesn’t care about the emotional stuff