Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

He could stay at the YMCA

Im sure Senator Linsey Graham would take him in

Personally, I would compartmentalise and let him stay for Christmas, for the kids.

I mean, he's a cheating, lying scumbag who wasn't even honest about the fact that he fancies men. There's really nothing to discuss now, she just needs to get her legal affairs in order, obviously get herself checked for diseases as all cheating lying scumbags are a health hazard, and try to minimise any contact she ever has to have with him in the future as much as possible.

@Alwaysalert I don't think OP needs to tease out the exact nature of her husband's sexuality or the frequency with which he engaged in gay sex with apparently near random strangers. She considers the marriage is over and who can blame her for this view. I do think it matters that it was another man in this case . It's one thing to give a person another chance - but if her husband was prepared to risk everything for a physical fling with a man, I'd be thinking a woman may not even be his preferred partner. That is a major problem if he is married to a woman.

Good advice.

:( God that's so sad. So sick of women being expected to be sympathetic to lying arseholes. Honestly, sick of the ones who do it too at this point. I do hope OP has the backbone to tell him to fuck off to the moon with his snivelling self pity.

So OP, they fell out a month ago and it turned nasty, do you know why it ended? My question would be if they hadn't fell out then how long did DH intend for the affair to last - it was an affair, not a drunken one night fling out of sexual curiosity. To say that it was just physical makes no sense as most relationships, affairs one night stands, casual flings, may start off as physical attraction, then go on to be regular physical interactions. Some lead to deeper feelings and end up in a committed relationship or marriage, some run their course and end, some who may be married or in a long term relationship get found out as in your and your husbands situation, If the bloke was that bad looking your DH would probably not have been interested, but he may have been interested in another gay/bi man who he found physically attractive or does he know the man from work or the pub and finds him intellectually stimulating. You will never know and unless you intend to try and repair your broken relationship, it may be better to stay ignorant. Some people have affairs because they find something missing in their relationship and some are just serial cheaters. Before you make any long term decisions you need to ask yourself whether you are so digusted by his betrayal that divorce is the only answer, you want your husband back as in a proper relationship, just to co-parent your dc until you have consulted a Solicitor, and maybe shared your situation with a friend or relative to get another view. I would imagine at the moment you feel shellshocked as it is hard dealing with infidelity let alone to discover that it is with another man and at this point you still don't know if this was the first homosexual encounter or whether your husband is bi or actually gay and his/your marriage is a front. Depending on what sort of outcome you truly want, will depend on what you need to know or what you want to know. Good luck for the future OP whatever you choose to do.

Agreed.

The line that a neighbour of ours used when he left his wife and three children for a man was "I never had a chance to dance..."

Poor wee soul.

This isn’t your problem. He has got somewhere else to stay. I would tell him he absolutely can’t stay with me.

Yep. Nonsense to the power of a million.

Don’t let him stay for Christmas. Your children will be ok with you, you can jolly them along and make it lovely for them - but YOU matter too, and you don’t need to subject yourself to the sheer mental cruelty of having to play happy families with him when your world has just imploded. Unless you’re the world’s best actor, your kids are more likely to notice something is up if you try and go through with the family Christmas than if you just tell them he’s away and keep it low key.

I’m so sorry. You must be shellshocked.

Nonsense.

He shouldn't have settled down then if he still had experimenting to do. The cheeky fuck thinking this is any sort of excuse.

You don't deserve this, a loyal wife who obviously has a good heart to let him stay that 1st night and be considering this now. You don't need to pity him or make yourself suffer for his benefit. He has done you harm, he deserves to feel the consequences of that. Tell him he lost the right to sleep under the same roof as you and your DC from his own actions. Direct him to a travel lodge, give him a time slot to give the kids presents. I wouldn't be serving him a Christmas dinner either. He don't deserve that much

All the better, he can house sit

Tell him they will be finding out anyway so he may as well tell them now and stay in their house. Very selfish of him to pull that move after all he's done. Pathetic really.

Tell him to stay with his new man in a hotel as I'm sure his wife won't be happy (unless she knew he liked men as well)

Also it's great that he's out of the house. Keep him there. Once he slithers in again he will refuse to budge. You and your kids can have a lovely peaceful Christmas, without the cheating liar who chose to destroy his family.

Your feelings matter far, far more than his do. Don't ever do a single thing that makes you feel shittier to accomodate him. Your kids will be perfectly happy with the new normal as they are young. Get them used to it now.

This.

Also, OP, please go to Chump Lady dot com. She's great at reframing the cheater's scripts and excuses properly.

That's his problem. He's ruined your marriage and destroyed your peace, safety and your family.

Do NOT let him ruin your Christmas too.

"Sorry to hear that, hope you find a solution soon." And "We are no longer married, you chose to end our marriage by cheating, hope you get something sorted" and so on and so forth.

OP you’re at the beginning of a very hard and very long road. When I was in a similar situation to you my therapist told me I could either go around it or I could go through it but either way I’d have to deal with it however hard. I tried to go around it (denial!). It didn’t work long term. By all means try to go around it for Christmas because well Christmas is tough. Post Christmas you have a shit show to manage but you will get by and get out and thrive. Get by for the next week or so and then don’t be a mug. Wishing you well x

After all the posts you've had mainly about his doings mines included.
I'd like to say ,sorry you've had this bomb dropped on yours and your children's lives and I hope you have real life support you can talk to.
Wishing you all the best.

Ah the old for the kids sake. Shame he didn't think about that when he was cheating on and betraying his family.

They will say anything to get what they want.

Flip OP this is so sad to read, so sorry its happening to you. What an awful man, all the lying and deceit, not to mention risking your health.
I hope you and your kids get through Xmas OK x

It is not your problem. He is making excuses not to stay in parents house
He is manipulating you.
Be generous and invite him for Xmas lunch making it clear it is for children.