Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

Hold on a minute . Whilst this is undoubtedly upsetting . It’s not actually your call where he stays ! If he is your husband then he jointly owns your home so you cannot prevent him from living in his own home !

was in a similar situation OP and at the time, my exP claimed the same - it was a physical relationship and he had no desire for a romantic connection with the man he was seeing (or any man). It’s a weird thing to say because it makes zero difference - he cheated and lied and betrayed you and honestly, it doesn’t matter whether there were ‘feelings’ or not.

As others have said, for your own sanity, it’s probably best he books himself into a hotel. Having to ‘play happy families’ in front of your kids will be too much to handle and it’s not fair to even ask you.

Don’t let him come back in the house. He will never leave again.
His parents being upset is not your problem, tell them yourself and just be done with it. Their empty house is the perfect place for him to go.
He is gay and that won’t change. Has there been any signs?

He had sex with men because he is attracted to men. He is either bisexual or gay.

If you stay,you have to face that he has a sexual need you cannot meet.

His parents are going to find out sooner or later. Best he tells them now. What was he planning - a happy family Zoom call on Christmas Day?

The trouble is with people who have affairs / hide their sexuality is that they get used to lying. They create a whole web of lies which they justify to themselves by developing an alternate reality where the universe is giving them a hard time. This is all about not wanting to be accountable for their own poor choices and decision-making. This is not your circus OP. You’re not responsible for any of this and it’s not your issue to sort out.

Remember you are incredibly strong and you will get through this. Prioritise yourself and don’t let him zap your energy because he absolutely will. He will exhaust you. Keep him at arm’s length and protect yourself first and foremost.

His parents house seems best choice . Doesnt want to alarm them ! It was OK for your whole world to ve turned upside down ! Well they're going to be alarmed sooner or later arent they ? Hiding this from his parents might've been the issue all along ? Tell him to get a grip .

@Lisawr his explanation/response is Absolutely ludicrous.

It's his fear talking. And fear is powerful.

He is pretending because he afraid of blowing up his life...not comprehending or caring for one second of course that yours is already blown to smithereens.

And another thing the fact that he doesn't want to alarm his family what about you. You don't count at all. Listen this is a man who is very selfish and the situation is playing like a fog in your head, everything hasn't caught up yet, and the emotionality of Christmas is thrown in,
If this was any other time he would be gone. This is about prioritising your well being and mental health. If you want him for Christmas Lunch great if not its. on him. The realty is the family you thought you once had no longer exists - and that is so hard to hear and read- truth be told- you will create amazing and new memories - right now this is damage control for the immediate few weeks.

It is going to be hard so make the one area you can control - yours to control - he cannot stay - and for Christmas if you can't tolerate his face without wanting to shove a plateful for raw brusell sprouts down his throat - tell him he can come and take the kids for a walk on Christmas morning or after lunch- the reality of what co parenting might look like- shit for you but the reality of his actions has caused this.

Having been through the exact same thing I will tell you if he is worried about his family finding out, and the affair turned nasty and he's already lying about the lying ie he's not being honest this is someone you will need to have very clear boundaries from the start of this unravelling.

He cannot stay
He has to stay at his parents and tell them he's left you- or admit the affiair
or he can stay in a hotel and needs to sort his shit out. Not you. He's done this. If it's a physical thing - he wanted a shag and didn't care about the consequences.

This is not on you. Never mind he's gay which is a double whammy -if he's moved out ie now over Christmas then that means you are already in a position of strength when you decide to fomalise things - don't do what I did and try and work things out for a year when all it did was fuck around with my head.

He has shown you he's not thought this through- this is your first warning to get ahead of him and prioritse you and the children. Forget Christmas memories and don't want to spoil Christmas - Even if you're an emotional wreck at least you won't have the catalysts walking around on Christmas morning playing happy families.

I would also get yourself checked out for STD and book yourself in with a counsellor.
The double lies and the deceit will unravel more and it's gut wrenching.
I am so sorry you're going through this - If need be as raw as it is if there is a friend IRL you can turn to - even if you don't want to admit the gay part- and that is also ok so you can process it - then maybe reach out although this side of Christmas you might want to bunker down and just try and get through the next few days xxx

But he doesn’t mind alarming you?

We women are expected to be nice all the time. Try to find the inner bitch that resides deep inside you. Allow him to have Xmas lunch if you can tolerate it then tell him to head off. He must find a hotel. If he is not still with the OM he was never going to g to tell you. Fuck him.

Hoseasons are doing very cheap stays for this week as it’s now last minute. He can get a lodge/caravan somewhere. Don’t have him at your house I’ve been in your position and it was horrendous.

Don’t let this man disturb your peace OP. He’s currently out of the house, let him stay there. Every time he comes back in you have to go through it all again. Rip the plaster off. He has somewhere to go (his parents’ house), he just doesn’t want to go there because he doesn’t want to come clean. He knows he will be judged (quite rightly). He wants to keep up the pretence of being a family man. Stuff that. This is not your shit show; it’s entirely his.

He’s made his choices. Now he has to live with the consequences and stop living a lie once and for all.

So he gives a shit about what his parents will think of him but is happy to have an affair behind your back regardless of what you might think of him?

He needs to suck it up and tell his parents so he can stay in their house. It’s time for him to be honest with people.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. It’s awful. 💐

He was never going to tell you unless forced to. Has he been having unprotected sex? Where is the bf and have there been casual/random shags? Travelodge for him. It's a problem of his making that impacts everyone. Sad that he has to hide being gay but he is out now and accept the responsibilities to his family and his bf

It's his house too. Sucks, but not much you can do if he's adamant.

That's not young. I'd have lost any sympathy I had given this reply and him apparently blowing up many lives just for sex.
Don't protect him.

Everybody knows hes a closet homosexual. Nothing wrong with being gay, just the fact hes a hypocrite

I'm American, and unfortunately I'm familiar with the detestable Mr. Graham, but I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. Please explain; I'd be very grateful. 😉

I have walked the mile in your shoes. Your DH is gay or bi at best. It wasn’t an experiment or just physical and if it wasn’t with this man it would have been with another man. He will do it again with other men. He is not your problem anymore and this is not your issue to sort out. And that’s your line - if you don’t want him there don’t have him there, but it is not your job to sort out or provide his accommodation for him. If he can run a clandestine affair for a year he can find somewhere to stay.

Not read the full thread but get tested for STDs.

Op you’re a kind caring person. Those traits make you vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Not letting him stay doesn’t ruin the kids Christmas, it ruins his Christmas and that’s all he’s thinking about. He had plans to tell you after his nice Christmas. You finding out sooner has ruined that for him. Nevermind him breaking your heart and destroying your family, aslong as he has a nice time. When your kids are older will they look back at this Christmas and blame you for not inviting him to stay or will they understand and place the blame where it belongs, with him. You need to put yourself first because noone else will, you matter too

For the kids?! Those same kids deserve a nice day with their mum who is dealing with enough shit as it is. Why should she have to be around him? She will be better able to compartmentalize if he’s not there!

Not your fucking issue. They should be alarmed. He’s destroyed your marriage to fuck a man. He’s broken your family up. He needs no sympathy from you OP, he’s already broken your heart. None of this is your fault and your children will have a much happier Christmas with just you than the awful atmosphere if he comes and will probably make you cry. I wouldn’t be able to handle having him there. I am so sorry he’s done this.

They're going to have to find out soon anyway and I'm not sure why it's OK for your Christmas to be ruined and not his parents'.