Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

I am so sorry you have gone through all of this, particularly at this time of year and everything that comes with it.
I hope you’ve been able to get some legal advice, or you’re able to soon, and that the advice gives you some peace of mind with what you can expect for the year to come and how to start planning for yours and your children’s future. Rooting for you, you’ve been put in an incredibly heartbreaking situation but he absolutely doesn’t get to call all the shots now. Uncertainty and fear for the future is the worst thing of all but you will get through this. If he’s able to bugger off and leave you taking care of the children on your own for weeks over Christmas I’m sure that speaks to who was the ‘default parent’ before any of this came to light and although I don’t know any of the legalities, I hope you’d have more right than 50/50 custody and being bought out of the family home you share with your kids

How was Christmas @Lisawr ? Hope you're doing ok in the circumstances.

Wow he imploded your marriage and now wants you out of the house and for him to stay there with kids...what a prize prat

I know - was agreeing with you.

…but had changed my response slightly as it’s pretty depressing- was going to say that even convicted paedophiles don’t automatically get denied access to their kids.

I think there has been very good advice on here about not responding to him but just want to share my experience, I found out my husband was on Grindr while I was 9 months pregnant and I’m still here today though admittedly I’m still on the road to recovery. You will be okay OP and solidarity

Your 2nd paragraph was the point I was trying to make. Not his infidelity or gayness.

Don’t reply. Leave him guessing as to your thoughts but do see a solicitor and let them handle the way forward even for now.

So it hasn't been long for him to get his ducks in a row. I wanted to ask how you are but that is a silly question.

I know you don't or can't deal with it all so I shall be gentle. My head was in the sand for so long but having just spent near of £80k in legal fees I would urge you even next week or the new year to seek legal advice.

Make sure all your paper work is sorted and you have copies of anything that is relevant.Documents, passports, house deeds, or at least copies, marriage certificate. He will move fast and you are sadly having to play catch up. Your anger and emotions if all over the place need to be challenged into protecting yourself and your children as he clearly has set the tone in the email he has sent you. For those commenting on the fact that it is his house - you're right - but emotionally she has a right to have some space from what is happing and no one would be begrudge that.

Your world is unravelling please look after yourself and be warned he will be telling himself never mind his own family once he does a set of lies to make this whole process easier for him not what is best for your children. He is not your friend now and that is a very painful and lonely place to be, I am so sorry you are going through this, but there are genuine people on mums net who will be championing you honestly,

Sadly, the bar seems to be pretty low for blokes. And infidelity generally has no bearing on the divorce settlement.

though I wonder if the fact that he’s shagging a revolving carousel of strangers might point to a slightly unstable situation for young kids?

@Lisawr

I agree w/PPs that you should acknowledge his email with the thought that if you don't he may be prompted to 'go official'. I think I'd say "Noted. I will respond in due course". That doesn't give any specific time frame.

And get yourself to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible. I know this is a bad time for appointments, but I would try and keep trying until I found one who has openings next week or the week after.

You need to be in full 'protect my assets' mode. He certainly is and he's shown that he has no scruples. You cannot trust him to 'play fair'. He's guilty as hell and like most guilty people, they'll make themselves feel innocent by becoming angry and turning themselves in to 'the victim'. The focus of his anger will be you and is usually followed by the need to 'punish' the person they know they've wronged. Why? Because you are living proof of their 'sins' and a reproach to their actions.

In the meantime, you need to be copying any- and everything you can get your hands on regarding finances. Copy/print online financial statements & records and scour the house for paper documents. He's gone for now, so now's the time to do it. Locate all vital records (birth, marriage, passports). Then get all these documents OUT of the house if you can. Ask a trusted friend or relative to keep them for you. If you can't get them out of the house, hide them as best you can. If you have joint banking, consider moving half into your sole name. If you have any income of your own going to a joint account, open a sole account and have it go there.

And I'll pass this on from personal experience. I'm currently undergoing a legal separation. My attorney told me that if I was going to 'make any financial moves' to do it before any legal papers are filed as once things 'get official' you usually aren't allowed to make any changes. I was able to take half of our joint account and open my own before I filed legal papers. And it's a good thing because he cleaned that account out, not knowing I'd already moved half. I was also able to remove him and name my children as beneficiaries on non-community assets as well as close a joint credit card. There are other assets I couldn't do anything about, but I protected what I could.

I know you're devastated, I know you're hurting. But right now you can't afford that. Right now you need to channel every emotion into action. Protect yourself. Protect your children. There will be time later to grieve, I promise you.

I can see why this would be angering. Its almost as though he gets a subtle pass from lying cheating and endangering with diseases because he was gay. Instead of being allowed to be angry and pissed you are expected to conduct some self reflection. Fuck that!

Do not reply.
Get a solicitor in the new year. Ignore his demands for now let the solicitor fight for you.

It's ridiculous advice telling her to just completely ignore him. They are married with children, they still have to navigate a divorce and coparenting. Acknowledging his email is really a minor ask in the grand scheme of things!

Because if she doesn’t confirm she’s received it and that she’ll respond after she’s had an opportunity to obtain legal advice, that might prompt him to get in touch and ask her if she’s read it and what she thinks about it. She doesn’t need that pressure so it keeps him and his pathetic, whining demands at bay until after the Christmas period.

I’d give no response at this point. By all means let him email you but until Christmas is out the way and you have some sort of legal advice say absolutely nothing in response. Good job you didn’t let him back in the house - I suspect he’d had made that very difficult and wouldn’t have left! This has clearly been going on a while and sadly coming back from this isn’t an option. Don’t hide what he’s done - not your sh*t show, that’s all on him. Bargaining with the kids is the classic first tactic! Ignore it, submerge yourself in getting through the next couple of days then get a very good solicitor.

I'm wondering what Family Court might make of awarding even 50% custody to a man who's conducting a very dodgy, slightly dangerous private life.

But that's just monogamous old lesbian me wondering...

Sending you strength and love xx

Seriously? Have you never had a nasty shock in all your life? Or were you able to immediately put all of your emotions to one side to think about long term implications? If you were, then good for you, but you’re being really bloody unfair to this poor woman.

There are any number of reasons why someone might react in anger and then change their mind, none of which are financial. Have you even considered trauma bonding? Or the fact that she might be completely without support in any form? That’s a really cruel thing to say.

This exactly.

The kids won’t have a ‘primary residence’. I hate it when people start using quasi legal terminology in emails. If he wanted it to be amicable, making veiled threats about having the kids the majority of the time is not it. What a twat.

It’s useful, he has told you what he wants. and that he isn’t going to be friendly.

He could possibly buy you out of the house, but he’ll need to provide you with a home of equal value. The courts don’t like big disparities in living standards, so if most of the money is in the house, it will need to be split equally- you’ll both have to downside.

Is he an employee or self employed?

Just a note - the first thing so many people ask in this situation is some variation of "did you have any idea he was bi/gay?"

Completely understand why that comes to mind, but most of us who have been through it hate that question. I felt stupid enough as it was without everyone else asking me if I really had no idea. It implies it was my fault I was in that situation because I hadn't realised my H was gay rather than because he'd lied to my face for twenty years.

@Lisawr

Sorry, I haven't RTFT. Have quickly gone through your posts. I am so, so sorry this has happened to you, especially right before Christmas.

There are lots of people who have been through similar experiences and who can offer incredible support in this situation. Do contact the group below if/when you feel able. Christmas is a particularly difficult time for people at all stages of finding out the partner they believed to be straight isn't, and there will be plenty of people around to offer support over Christmas.

In my experience, it's a rare person who can stay with their partner after discovering what you have.

Look after yourself first. Just do whatever works for you to get you and your DC through the next few days.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/

Why even bother? Just follow the legal comms route.

Very good advice for OP.

He’s got some nerve! Agree with all other posters. Get some proper legal advice. The audacity of him!

I would respond 'I acknowledge receipt of your email, further communication will be in due course'. Keep it very business like and cordial. Put nothing in writing to him that paints you in any negative light. Your husband can demand what he likes, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen! Seek legal advice asap. Your husband is no longer on your team, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Keep your cards very close to your chest. Start telling family/friends, because you are going to need emotional support at the very least. Don't cover for him, as hard as it may be, be honest about the real reason why you're divorcing. Keep all communication between you and the other wife. It's proof of his cheating with a man and his swinging activities.