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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I controlling for trying to reduce our spending

37 replies

Hampersforgoalposts · 21/12/2025 18:05

DP (married) is accusing me of being “controlling” for trying to reduce our day to day spending.

For context, I am the sole earner, DP has been SAHM for 10 years but our DC are now 12 and 10 so she is looking for some PT work.

We have been spending - in my view - way too much on general day to day living - food, coffees etc. DP doesn’t really seem to care about money, but I’m the one who has to fund everything. I totally don’t mind being the sole breadwinner, but it frustrates me when she doesn’t appreciate that money we fritter away is ‘stealing’ from our retirement.

I had set us a ‘budget’ for household spending. I am not enforcing it, but I keep a weekly Excel of what we have spent versus our budget so we can see how much we are overspending.

I mentioned this weekend how much we are “over budget” for this month, and she went off about me being “controlling” and made out that IABU. Am I?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2025 18:27

Having someone watch your coffees and tell you not to have them because they earn the money… does that sound controlling? It does a bit.

Sitting down with the budget and deciding discretionary funds each, that the other person doesn’t look at or worry about, is less so. Decide what spending is just pocket money, both decide, and stick with it.

And before I make assumptions, do you have expensive hobbies like 3K bikes or sailing? Because the high income men (and you may be a woman!) I know always seem to have something expensive going on!

HoskinsChoice · 21/12/2025 18:24

Hampersforgoalposts · 21/12/2025 18:21

I am a high earner (150k), so I’ve never felt she should “need” to work, but obviously happy for her to do so to bring more money in. I pay into my pension and her pension (and her LISA - I’m too old for one).

Mortgage is 2.5k per month, and we pay 1.5k per month for our SEN DC1’s private school. As well as pension/LISA contributions, I’m also putting money away each month into an ISA earmarked for the kids university.

We were/are spending around 2.5-3k per month on day to day spending - I’m trying to reduce it to 1.5k

It doesn't matter how much is being spent or saved, at the end of the day, if she's not happy with budgeting then she needs to step up and start contributing. You're a bloody saint for putting up with it. I'd hate to be in your situation. Her not working would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Original poster
Hampersforgoalposts · 21/12/2025 18:24

HoskinsChoice · 21/12/2025 18:22

Hopefully if the OP is full time and the partner is not working, she will be managing the insurance utilities and all other household admin, not just her own personal spending.

Show quote history

I do all the household financial admin, as she would just go with the easiest option rather than the best value.

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 21/12/2025 18:22

countingdowntotheholidays · 21/12/2025 18:16

While I agree entirely on savings on things like coffee I also wonder if you are being realistic on what things cost now, especially in the lead up to Christmas? Our food shops in general have leapt up so add in a few extras and it really does add up.

Have you found other ways to reduce your household spending e.g shopped about for insurance or energy bills or cut your spending when out or are you expecting all the savings to come from your partner changing what they do?

Hopefully if the OP is full time and the partner is not working, she will be managing the insurance utilities and all other household admin, not just her own personal spending.

Original poster
Hampersforgoalposts · 21/12/2025 18:21

I am a high earner (150k), so I’ve never felt she should “need” to work, but obviously happy for her to do so to bring more money in. I pay into my pension and her pension (and her LISA - I’m too old for one).

Mortgage is 2.5k per month, and we pay 1.5k per month for our SEN DC1’s private school. As well as pension/LISA contributions, I’m also putting money away each month into an ISA earmarked for the kids university.

We were/are spending around 2.5-3k per month on day to day spending - I’m trying to reduce it to 1.5k

OP posts:
Itsjusttoomuchtoday · 21/12/2025 18:18

Yabu to set the budget and say this is it. Yanbu to discuss financial plans including debt, need to saving and telling DW that you need to come up with a budget together.

countingdowntotheholidays · 21/12/2025 18:16

While I agree entirely on savings on things like coffee I also wonder if you are being realistic on what things cost now, especially in the lead up to Christmas? Our food shops in general have leapt up so add in a few extras and it really does add up.

Have you found other ways to reduce your household spending e.g shopped about for insurance or energy bills or cut your spending when out or are you expecting all the savings to come from your partner changing what they do?

GreyCloudsLooming · 21/12/2025 18:15

A weekly spreadsheet? Unless you’re down to your last penny, that seems overkill.

LighthouseLED · 21/12/2025 18:13

I think we need more detail to know if you’re being controlling or not.

Wanting to keep to a budget isn’t a bad thing (and necessary for most people), but if you’re imposing an extremely strict budget when you as a family aren’t struggling for money then that would be controlling. Assuming she does the majority of child and house stuff, her contribution to the family is equal to yours; it’s just not paid.

Could you agree that you each have ££ of personal spending per month (and hers shouldn’t include spending on kids - that should come out of joint money)?

Hankunamatata · 21/12/2025 18:10

Well it's a discussion. What does your income look like? If your saving like a grand a month, I could see your partners point.

Do you pay into a pension for partner?

Taweofterror · 21/12/2025 18:08

Are you saying she is completely unwilling to budget at all? You should both be coming to an agreement on how much to spend and how much to save. Is she just not engaging in any discussions at all?

ThankYouNigel · 21/12/2025 18:08

YANBU. I’ve been a SAHM for 7 years. I always make my cups of tea & lunch at home, I very rarely buy anything like that out. I switched our weekly shop to ALDI. I understood that when I decided not to return to my previous career that cutbacks would need to be made. Likewise I stopped getting my eyelashes and nails done. I would think I was taking the p* out of my DH if I continued spending like I could when I also worked FT.